Due Date...

So, today or roughly around now would have been my Due Date for baby Greyson. I am trying to process exactly what this means to me...

Here are some of the things I know about the last nine months.

~Having a miscarriage is physically super painful, I had no idea I would go through stages of childbirth as if I were going to deliver a live child...and then to have nothing left to show for it....

~I found out that I can love a baby I never held..and that a baby is a baby no matter where along the line you lose them, they had life and meaning...

~I do not know how women go on to become multiple times miscarriage mommas...I have met women in the last year that have suffered 4-5-6 of them. Just this one child being lost to me has drastically changed me....

~It has given me a better, though very limited idea of what it would be like to never be able to carry a child full term or to conceive at all or to have more babies than you have now..this is truly a very lonely place to be when ALL around you people, your friends, family, crack addicts are pregnant and giving birth...my heart goes out to you lil mommas who have not had the ease of 'nice, simple conception and pregnancies' that so many of us take for granted.. 

~It makes me ten times more passionate about LIFE..who are we to decide when our children should be born, if we should have one two nineteen or none...I truly believe there should be only ONE giver and taker of life...but I am not Him ....and I know many who strongly disagree...He sees each of our hearts...

~It makes me a kazillion times more passionate about adoption....there are at least 147 million orphans worldwide...what is wrong with us that we will fight tooth and nail to have our 'own' kids and/or mourn them greatly if we lose them BUT do not give more than a passing thought or a token few bucks towards ALL these children of God who NEED forever families and/or care!

~Having a miscarriage makes me stop a lot more to realise what a jerk I am to my kids, if I really cared about children and am so sad about losing mine WHY can I still be so mean? GRRRR..who I am hates not only who I've been, but who I still am!!! I want to change this more than most anything in my life...

~Having a miscarriage in a 'Sick House' makes me really mad sometimes at the builder (it is one of the known 'side effects')...but then I let that go..and feel grateful I haven't had to try and have a healthy safe pregnancy in the midst of this nightmare..I mean really, imagine me having a home-birth tonight? Ha...

~I have figured out that our minds may know the miscarriage happened but our bodies may not have received the message as loudly..to date I have gained roughly what I do during a normal pregnancy since finding out I was preg. last year..how creepy is that?..and no, I don't sit around eating twinkies either.. 

~And I am realising I am much vainer than I knew..gaining twenty plus pounds with no baby to show for it makes me feel really YUCKED out about my appearance...this too has given me perspective on 'those people' with weight issues..it's not as easy as it seems to be 'in shape'

~It has taught me that I am not nearly the woman of faith I thought I'd be at this age..I have questioned so much....

~It has shown me that I am crazy to think I can handle more kids, I KNOW I can not..this is where God will have to 'show off' in my world if we are to adopt..

~It makes me wonder more than ever what it will be like in Heaven..is my Granny Ethel hanging out with my baby? Nothing would bring me more joy...but I will have to wait on this one, one day I will know in full what happens when we lose our wee ones...

Maybe I'll think of more things later....anyways, my husband let me get an early Mom's Day gift tonight..I've really wanted a double jogging stroller..I want to get out with my kiddos and walk and RUN..I want to honor God with my body and stop penalizing myself for being unable to 'hold on' to this baby..I want to say starting tomorrow I will begin a new journey and try and not be haunted by the pregnancy that wasn't..I hope my due date coming and going will bring more closure...I want to honor the life of this baby by being the best wife and mom I can..to fight for my kids...to love my husband well..and to be a moon that reflects the Son so that others with broken places can look at me and see HOPE....I have no doubt that my God is on the throne...He sees my heartache ... and He sees the mommas all over the world who will have no clean drinking water for their babes and maybe no daddy either...He sees....I trust Him...I hope I have learned all that He wants and never give up on His plan for this family..

I love you baby Greyson....Baby, "sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart" winnie the pooh:)