So, as a way to clear my head and try to navigate the world of 'saving' my family..here I am. This will be a place to empty my head and accumulate the info. I feel I need.
I am by no means a writer..I'm more a rambler so reader beware...
I am in a struggle. I am trying to figure out how to get my family back on a routine and back on the quest for Truth. For several years now we've been hit by one thing after another and before I really catch my breath..wham , the next thing is upon me. And yes, I know I'm not alone..we all live here on this broken planet, looking for hope, attempting to heal our hearts from one shattered dream only to 'wake up' and find we are facing another.
I believe strongly that we are not here for ourselves and everything we do or say can and will change someone else's life, perspective, ideas, hurt them or heal them....That's a lotta power. I aim to be a wife and mom that uses my 'power' to change things for the better. But many many times I fail, miserably. I do not share Truth lightly, too much is at stake. However, I find that lately we (my family) is so caught up in the current chaos of our life that I'm not sharing the Truth much at all....
We are trying to figure out where to live. Not as simple as it sounds. For the past year plus we have lived in a home that was making us sick. Very sick. Long story. Everything from bizarre rashes, to runny noses..that never stopped. Everyone of us coughing into the wee hours of the night. Hormones gone awry, my first miscarriage at 39, asthma in my son that we thought he'd outgrown and much more.... All these symptoms cleared up when we left the house or atleast went back to a calmer state. Some symptoms were gone in 2 days , some took a few months. We have since found out we had mold spores in parts of our home that were in the millions. We still don't know for sure WHAT was making us so sick..but we believe the mold played a big role. Google it, crazy stuff!
We moved out for three months while our home was worked on. We moved back in when several friends told us they believed this was God's best for us basically. We ourselves had no peace about walking away...We went home believing this house would now be fine and we could 'go back to our normal life'. Well, within a few weeks our roof has leaked...two times, the second time happened after they tore off the front half and replaced everything! (about 5th time overall it's been fixed, they still haven't found the source of the leak) And since moving home...my rash has returned with a vengeance! We were told by an Environmental Hygienist that I would be the proverbial 'canary in the coal mine', if my rash returned all was not well. UUUGGGGHHHHHH! Levi's cough has started to return and many of his other 'quirky' symptoms..more on that later. My daughter's joint pain has returned.
Are we just nuts? Could this just be our imagination?
We are staking everything on these symptoms! We are waiting right now for the builder's response as to whether they will just take the home back. If they don't what can we do? As believers we can't just try and sell it. And in this economy fat chance anyways....
We have begun to look for a new place to live..to rent..buying is out of the question. If you do the research you will see that we are probly' part of a very small group of the population that will now be 'hyper-sensitive' to mold and other poisons/toxins/chemicals. Just moving here or there, wherever we want is not a choice. And on one salary, we don't have the money to be choosy anyways. As long as we still have to pay for the townhouse we have enough money from our tax refund to rent for about 3 months somewhere 'sort of not entirely scary'.
We take a huge risk as a family now...some research even goes as far as to say Levi could go into anaphylactic shock! Choosing where to live, well, it's kinda a big deal.
Plus also (in my best Junie B. voice) I am finding I'm much more selfish than I ever knew. When I look around at my 'macked out' town home (It was the model home, it is chock full o' upgrades) I feel angry that I will never live anywhere this nice again. This is where my shattered dreams book by Larry Crab comes in. Theory: if we let our shattered dreams here do their work, they will help us to long for a place and time where our hearts won't be disappointed/broken/crushed anymore. I call this paradise Heaven, where I get to live forever with My God. I believe that the world to come is worth ALL THIS! Macked out townhomes are what the Bible calls 'wood, hay, and stubble'....things that will not last forever!
I have been to countries where people literally live in the dump. I have watched families eat trash. I have seen people collect rainwater in the nastiest containers and are grateful they have it! I KNOW that on my worst day in America I am still better off than, well, about 98% of the world. Humbling! Crushing...awakening...heartbreaking...what do I really NEED when it comes to housing???? NEED, not want.
Yes, I am irritated and afraid and sad. Some moments I want to give up. Many moments I feel completely unworthy of my husband and kids and my God. I am so over this particular season....I am sick of watching my kids bounce from place to place. We have moved 5 times in 4 months. (We have moved about 20 times in 5 years.) I'm kinda over moving. I want to hurl boxes not pack them! I want routine. I want to home school my kids, and do it well, not on the run. I want to show my kids that helping others is the best life possible and that we really don't have it so bad...
So, the biggest thing of all that upsets me right now is my son. He is eight and he is more than likely a gifted high functioning autistic kid. This is one of the revelations we've had since this all began. My heart breaks most for him. I won't go into it all right now..suffice it to say..this current nightmare has not done him any favors.
As we return home this coming Wednesday we will be faced with the decision of where to live. We will be bound by the amount of money available. And even more, we will NEED the Lord to show us a safe place to be....
I have a lot more to say but my family just walked in from their night out and I wouldn't be true to the title I gave my blog.."Saving Grace, and hopefully my other kids" (a play on words, Kaitlyn Grace, our firstborn and God's grace...what saves us all!)... if I stayed here typing while they needed me...so gnite...and thanks for reading!
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