The Reeves' moldy update...ugghhh!

In advance (if you are interested), thank you for taking the time to read this, it means the world to us to have your support and we know this is a hard subject to understand (especially if you are not directly affected!)  In all actuality, it is new even to the medical community.  As in most things though, we are becoming VERY educated.  We are by no means simpletons, nor are we naive.  We are readers, researchers and since we are directly affected, it really matters to us.

Leviticus 14:45 "A house desecrated by mildew, mold, or fungus would be a defiled place to live in, so drastic measures had to be taken."

 

A rather QUICK explanation/update on the latest greatest Reeves' family Adventure:

We moved back into our town-home about 2 months or 8 weeks ago. We used a special cleaner called Thieves on EVERYTHING in the house, we mopped, we HEPA vacuumed the whole house, we repainted the entire house with allergy-free/toxic-free paint, we wiped down walls, bathrooms, shelves, beds...you name it. We then did this crazy thing that an Author/Environmental Hygienist recommended as a last ditch effort (remember we had already spent THOUSANDS having the home professionally re-mediated of the MILLIONS of mold spores/fiberglass etc found in our town home), we taped off every A/C vent in the home but one, we used dryer duct work to vent that one duct out our Bedroom window and attempted to "flush" out the A/C system. We had previously left the A/C off for weeks prior to this, and yes, it was a wee bit hot in here (80-90 degrees.)  We tried to spend the night away or days away as often as we could, just hoping the less we were here the less sick we might get IF we were going to get sick again. We truly HOPED we had done enough and would be safe. 

However, in the last three weeks we have all stayed here 'full-time'.  Here are some of the things that have slowly happened: My nose has begun to run like a faucet every morning and then throughout the day. My fingers itch. My hormones have gone wacky (ask Ray:)).  My 'itchy/sore' ears have come back (a main sign many w/fungal issues have).  Bella's joint pain has come back.  Ava is now limping and favoring one leg.  Some of Levi's autistic quirky symptoms are coming back (much of autism is a result of toxic/fungal over growth, etc...).  Kaitlyn's eczema is trying to come back.  While none of these alone are that big of a deal, HOWEVER; together they were unfortunately showing me ever so slowly...we have a problem. The final straw was last week. We all caught a small head cold (no biggie), but instead of getting well (like the normal folk) my kids got worse, some way worse and within 4 days Levi's croupy-cough changed to the violent coughing fits (where he pukes after-wards) had come back with a vengeance. This past week he has been diagnosed with a major asthma flare-up, double ear infection AND double sinus (mold) infections. *If you check out Mayo's study you will see MOST sinus infections are FUNGAL!

Here is the bottom line for us: this town-home is not worth our children's lives!

We thought we could try to live here while the legal-battle goes on and while we remediated our home, alas, we cannot!  We have a peace that we have done all we can do here and even tho' we LOVE this town home it is just not worth the price we may be paying with our health and/or lives.

Wanted to send out a quick picture for those of you who have asked questions and/or do not understand the seriousness of this issue.

We all know kids who have peanut allergies (the life threatening kind.)  You know that the parents have to go to great lengths to ensure there is not so much as a trace of peanut in their life. They have been told, 'Hey now that your kid had this reaction, future ones can kill them'. They carry epi-pens, they read labels voraciously, they get letters sent out to their kid's schools that there can be no more PB & J sandwiches, crackers, etc... at school. They can't even eat things that have been made in a factory where peanuts were stored, processed, etc...  Being in the same room with someone who has had a Reeces PB cup is all it may take to kill them!  The same is true for people with Bee-stings, reactions to penicillin, etc...

Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made and they have the amazing ability to recognize the enemy. Well, in our case the enemy appears to be Molds, fiberglass and now potential Chemicals.  I'm sure you've heard of MCS - or Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, people are actually getting Disability for this!  So, for us, just replace the word 'Peanuts' with the above enemies.  Another thing our bodies can do is 'recognize' a place that has made us sick before. It's crazy! ....

So, for us as we have lived back here this time we have been slowly getting sick...until our immune systems were lowered by the cold and BAM it sent our bodies, especially Levi's, straight back to where it was at the height of our sickness last year.  This is the SCARY part to us: Levi didn't have to get sick 6 or 7 times to end up ER bound, he got sick once!!!  We may never know what exactly is in this house we are hyper-sensitive to, we believe it is the A/C system being contaminated and without basically stripping this house down to nothing and rebuilding...we are NOT going to get it clean. (OH, and they haven't even checked behind our back walls yet where the moisture readings are ABOVE the safe limit. And on and on, the craziness goes!)

PLEASE know this as you hear about our story: there is NOTHING fun about this, we aren't making this choice to just have a lil excitement, we do not like our life being in constant turmoil, we do not thrive on this! It hurts my heart as the mom to be faced with this AGAIN. I do not enjoy lying awake  at night wondering if 'that coughing fit' was Levi's last (as in he died).  I know Ray is considering/praying about moving us to Arizona, where the climate is dry. THIS is not an easy situation to be in. And it will now haunt us forever. We may have to rent 7 different homes before we find one we can safely live in. Oh and as far as moving out right now.  We don't actually have the funds to do that.  Ryland has sucked all of our savings and credit down the drain this past year. So, when I say we need to move, I mean...we need to move, but God will have to provide the way! 

Ray is excited about being in that place of total dependency on God! I am having break-downs every few hours, but still trust my God!

Please take a moment to read these excerpts:
"Once the patient has become hypersensitive to the mold in their environment, they have also become overly reactive to all molds in their life including those they breathe elsewhere, those they eat and those that may be colonizing their tissues. Relief of symptoms can only come with a significant reduction in exposure including a mold free diet , avoidance of mold-ridden environments and treatment of mold colonization.  Some mold colonizations are well known, such as athlete's foot, vaginal yeast infections, ringworm, excessive dandruff, toenail fungus, etc. But molds are opportunistic and can become established on any tissue that has been previously damaged. This would include the sinuses of a patient who has had a sinus infection, the lungs of a patient with asthma, the nose of a patient with nasal congestion and the gastrointestinal tract of patients who have had chronic indigestion or abdominal discomfort. The patients' healthy, reactive immune system can prevent the mold from invading surrounding tissues and causing infection. However, it is not able to remove the mold from the mucosal or skin surfaces. The colonization continues, the patient continues to form immune complexes with the mold antigens, the overload continues, and the patient grows sicker."

And...

"Therapy is based on avoidance. The contaminated environment must be remediated or abandoned, a mold-free diet is very helpful, and colonization must be eliminated by the appropriate use of antifungals. The most common colonization sites are the nose, nasopharynx and esophagus."


Thanks again, we are working through this with the Lord's help. Covet your prayers...

A small part of our Epic Adventure aka A love worth fighting for!!!

"A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries." - (anonymous)

A long time ago, in a land far away, ..two people met and fell madly in love & lived happily ever after..OR a boy met a girl and thought she was his sister's new 'bratty obnoxious' friend...and a girl met a boy dressed in black w/Robert Smith hair & eyeliner and thought he was 'such a dork' because she had already outgrown the new-wave/punk rocker phase'. He was 20 , she was 15 .... (and yes, he escaped arrest because my Dad and Mom really liked him...)

Upon my 2nd meeting where he was at home sitting at the dining room table studying..with his AMAZING long blonde surfer hair and sweet tan..and about 30-40 more pounds...was 'WOW, now who is this brother, he is surely the hottest thing I've ever seen'!! It was lust at first sight to be sure!

Fast forward a few months and I am smitten and not sure where I stand with Ray. ( He was not a typical guy who had had 7,8 or 32 girlfriends so 'girl friend' territory wasn't nearly as flippant for him as I would have liked )  However, I just knew we'd be married one day. I can remember Leigh telling me one day as we neared University/Merrill , where he lived..'He'll never fall for you' I don't think she was being mean just maybe trying to be realistic...I however said to myself  'We'll see', I was pretty sure I could eventually woo him with my Love Powers ! (Back then that meant dressing like a 'hoochie momma' as my girls say and throwing myself at him at every turn)...I think we all see who was right ;) Though I am not proud of my actions now..back then those were the only skills I thought I had for winning a guy's  heart....

Anyways...I had met Ray in February and by August..well, we were official. I spent my entire Senior year with him had a blast. We worked at Regency Mall. Went to the beach together. went to church together. Went to clubs together....We pretty much spent every day together and by the end of that year..well, the lust had changed to as much as we knew/understood about LOVE as possible at our age.... 

I proposed, yes, that is right. I again, had NO clue as to how a young lady should act/behave so I thought it was pretty neat that I just asked him to marry me. (WOW, how my thinking has changed!) He of course said Yes  (because again, who could resist my Love Powers?) and went on a few months later/with ring in hand, to officially propose to me!

So that is how the Fairy Tale Epic Adventure of the 'Reevesses' began..

Now, 1/2 of my life has been spent growing up with Raymond..and here we are...21 years plus into a life full of some of the most dramatic seasons I can imagine...we have 6 children -  4 here, 2 in heaven..and prayerfully 'more' :) (biologically would be welcomed but adoption is our next goal..)

The following is a random list of very important facts, memories, lessons learned, & funny moments  that everyone should know about us.....:)....

•  We spent our first ten years of marriage enjoying the Air Force life..lived in AZ for like 6 years..had an AMAZING church and Pastor (Pastor Adams) as we tried to navigate what it looked like to actually surrender your life to God and be on the narrow road with Him! This is when we first began to realize MINISTRY was wayyy more a part of our life than just living the 'American Dream'....we moved to Valdosta GA for the last few years of Air Force life. LOVE that town, we actually lived on a plantation in the former slave house! Neatest house I've ever lived in..my front yard was a Pecan Grove..BEAUTIFUL! Ray surrendered to Full time ministry there.
• We spent the next ten years 'doing' full time ministry including Student (teen) ministry, Preschool ministry, Ray preaching, Mission trips, Summer Camps (Go Student Life) and 'planting' our own church while simultaneously trying to start a coffee shop ministry :) *Don't try that one!
• We are now on career/calling number 3..covert missionaries..and now that I've told you, well, I have to kill you..We truly believe God has planted a seed in our heart to grow His kingdom here in our home town (tho' we'd rather be in Honduras or the Czech Republic etc). Ray is on a crazy mission field as a Police Officer. I'm sorry, does anyone else find it as ridiculously insane as I do that my husband is now a COP? It is quite the insane lil world out there and my husband is equipped with 3 guns at all times and another small arsenal of weapons...BUT I mostly see him as a soldier, armed with LOVE and mercy for a very dark world! We are also involved with 2nd Mile Ministries---choosing to break the chains of a very racial/prejudice family--and help heal our city with the Gospel and Redemption through action!

• Now for the randomness..Ray is clumsy as all get out, I LAUGH really hard every time he falls .. and he is also very over dramatic when he falls, so it is even funnier!
• Ray has had every hair style known to man..no joke..Britney Warner has a wedding album to prove it :)...boy did he ever work the highlights, so funny now to even think about! I am a FAN of the shaved head, 'facial hair abundant' Ray..yum!
• My first coping mechanism during fighting was to run away..I would literally get on my bike or walk away from base housing when I was mad/upset, sometimes I would hide on the back porch for hours...I was a very mature 19 year old!
• We've gotten fat together :) or skinny..right now workin on the 'Let's get in shape together' plan!
• Ray has always wanted to have good communication, has fought for it...except when he would punch things (not me) but that was forever ago, like last week...just kidding... 
• Oh, before we were married Ray was so scary, he would chase down car loads of men if they even looked at him wrong..I would hide in the floor board...one day a middle aged man tailgated him over the Matthew's Bridge. The 'old man' pointed for Ray to pull over at the bottom. Ray promptly pulled over,walked up to the man, punched him in the face, got back in the car and came to nonchalantly tell me about it. 
• Ray and I have been to more concerts than I can count together--music is a big part of our life--to show the progression of our marriage one can watch the time-line of music.  The Cure, The Cure, scary occult groups, cheesy Christian church concerts, Newsboys, Five Iron Frenzy, Switchfoot, Third day like 17 times, all the ska bands, pretty much every christian concert held for like 5 years, even working at Christian Festivals by the time it was all said and done, Duran Duran (yes a few years ago, not 20), Switchfoot again at the Free bird cafe....and lastly, worship concerts...we evolve w/music, as our hearts w/God evolve..(this doesn't mean that we don't listen to any secular music, Ray still listens to some bands whose names I can not even pronounce, but none of them evil :) ---------At one Third Day concert the lead singer looked at Ray in the crowd and pointed back at himself as if to say "Do we not freakishly the same or what?"..at this time Ray had the same-ish style hair/glasses/clothes and most importantly facial hair as Mac Powell..it was creepy and yet fun to have the man I loved look like the lead singer of my favorite band ( a little bit high school huh? ahhhh well) The band guitarist called Ray  forward and gave him his leather snake skin hat in exchange for Ray's straw cowboy hat ..good times!
• We went on a family cruise one time..EVERYONE thinks Levi was conceived on it..the truth is we were SICK as DOGS and we touched each other only to steady each other on board!
• We love odd humor, we laugh hard together, we like to mock people & each other, not really... and he mostly laughs at me when I laugh so hard I cry or lose my breath.
• He and Kaitlyn like to gang up on me..most recently when trying to pick out a movie, they tried letting me choose..Then when they saw me scanning titles.."She'll pick out some Documentary on the Holocaust and spend the whole movie crying about how she couldn't save all the people..." Ha ha, funny!  (and me & Kaitlyn don't ever gang up on him ;)
• Ray and I are dorks (duh). We like to coordinate colors in our clothes when we can! We were old creepy couple status before we even got old!
• Ray likes us to watch movies together late at night, the running joke is that it's a fail-proof way to make sure I fall asleep..usually before the opening scene..ha!
• Ray surprised me in a BIG way on a mission trip to the Czech republic--he rented out the garden of a beautiful castle and had everything in a suit case to decorate/celebrate our anniversary..renewing our vows at the foot of a castle with all the adult and youth we had brought on the trip watching, Trent Polk our BFF officiating! (He had even brought me a dress and shoes and everything!) One thing that Ray Reeves is is a true romantic!! Like hard core..sappiest sweetest man ever (well, except when he's beating people up & I'm hiding in floor boards..ha ha)
• Ray still buys me flowers, Ray still lets me have 'Mom's nights out', Ray still lets me go away to conferences...he may remind me twenty three times he let me do it and be so proud he took care of everything while I was gone BUT the big deal is..he looks out for my needs and desires..
•  Ray has stood by me/helped decide with me our ever so controversial stances..natural childbirth (wow, what a concept), even when I was 21 and we had NO clue what we were doing & I showed up at the hospital being told by a nurse 'oh honey you're not in labor, nobody just walks in like you are in real labor' and proceeded to check me to find I was not only in labor I was 8 cm!! ( In your face medical establishment, uhhhh he also puts up with me STILL being bratty and obnoxious!).....and then to 'at home water births', extended breastfeeding, no immunizations, homeschooling, vegetarians, not putting our kids in the church nursery/preschool/youth group etc, not doing dating for our kids but courting, allowing God to open/close our womb, wanting to adopt, not celebrating halloween, wanting to live debt free in as little space as needed and so on..all things I think are pretty normal but have gotten us coined as Freaks??? What? Interesting... 
• We have had loads o' fun with the different seasons like..starting out our marriage with my  mother in law hating me ( we love each other now..it's possible ladies), Ray getting diagnosed w/two Auto immune diseases & getting the boot from the Air force, our House Fire, losing jobs/being fired/being jobless, having Levi be seriously sick and hospitalized several times----once w/whooping cough which led to secret meetings from other parents who didn't want our 'immunization free' kid near theirs-now that is fun!, having to live with our friends---not once or twice but multiple times, Having a house that is killing us and everyone wondering 'Why can't you guys stay well?'--well because we enjoy watching our kids die before our very eyes and we enjoy missing everything outside these four walls/being stuck inside ALL the time and we especially like hearing those comments like that after we've sat up all night watching a kid like a hawk  who may go into anaphylactic shock, it 's NOT because we didn't know our TOXIC house was killing us!!! Not to mention moving in/out ten times this year alone , Having Ray literally lose his mind and leave ALL that mattered to him--like God and us and not to mention losing our church, our friends, our home, our city and more as a consequence.., Me having not only Postpartum depression but the wackiest hormones ever--why my husband has not murdered me--I do not know! :) , and the house full of Aspergers kids, or as Levi has dubbed it 'Jack-ass pergers'--Oh the moments this has brought!!!, most recently losing two babies in less than one year...nothing funny to say about that....

I could go on and on..I was really just being sarcastic and silly in the last bullet about the Seasons, we really have been through some very trying times..we've lived through several catastrophic things...we've moved a lot, changed church homes several times, made friends/lost friends/made up with friends...we've made our family mad, we've made each other mad :) We've pleased some people and made some people proud w/our 20 plus years, we've disappointed a lot of people, mostly our kids, and mostly each other...

Here is where I get serious for just a few....when I first got married Ray and I had a PLAN 'A' only deal...we had both come from broken homes and would not repeat that..who knew I'd be served with divorce papers over a decade later?....what I mostly want to say on my 21st Anniversary is that we serve a REDEEMING RESURRECTING God...I wouldn't want to go through what I have sometimes BUT I know that what we have lived out is what makes our journey 'ours' and our love story an Epic Tale of Adventure..just like my beginning quote says..it's great to marry the one you love BUT to CHOOSE to stay together and LOVE the one you married..no matter what..now that is valuable..Ray and I take no credit for the fact that we are still married, we have hated each other as deeply as we have loved one another, we have disappointed each other as much as we have fulfilled each others needs/desires, we have trampled on each others feelings/rights/hearts as much as we have regarded them as more important than our own, we have had seasons..we have had trials, we have had bliss, we have had fun, we have had pain-deep pain, we have had happiness-abundantly, we have laughed together and at each other, we have cried together and at the hands of each other....I have grown up with Ray, when all is said and done he is the man who has walked hand in hand with me for over half my life, navigating with me what it means to live a life of purpose and Hope, he has Shepherded me, cherished me, and taught me...he is one of the BEST people I have ever known, the world is better because he is here, my world is richer, deeper, more colorful because he is my husband--- he challenges me as no other. I LOVE the subtitle to the book 'Sacred Marriage', 'What if marriage isn't to make you happy but to make you holy?'.....MORE than anything else Ray and I have been each other's main tool of refinement as we bring out the best and worst in each other...to stick by someone when life gets hard, too hard, or when you no longer 'feel' like you first did, or you just wanna quit...CHOOSING to love the one you're with..........that is true love, that is real abiding love, God has given that love to us when we were incapable of giving it...He has restored our marriage many times over..he has renewed our passion many times...He has let us 'see' our spouse as HE sees them. Worthy of love, time, attention, affection, worthy of the laying down of one's life.... we give Him the glory for holding us together..we have done a lot of hard work and we work on our marriage all the time...but ultimately, HE has been the third chord in our 'chord of three' and it is His Spirit in us that causes us to LOVE as He desires....We believe strongly that marriage in the world is under attack, we long to live out God's Redemptive plan and to show/help other's along the way...there are many things in life  worthy of fighting for...LOVE is one of the greatest! 

Happy Anniversary Judson, You're still the one!! Forgive me for when I fail you and am not the Helpmate you need....Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be.....

 (Our Song)
 Fly farther/Jars of Clay

He picked her up some flowers
On a sunday afternoon
They sat out on the

porch swing
Underneath the cresent moon
A life time seemed to pass
Staring at the skies
And on the swing he gave her the ring
There were tears in her eyes

He said I pray I'm not alone
In my dreams about forever
That you and I could become one
And always be together

We'd grow old and wise
Through all the days
For worse or for better
And now be true inside of you
Even now more than ever

And my lifetime flies but we'll fly farther
Into the night where the eyes of loneliness can never bother
All our dreams of together uneclipsed by never never
And my time flies it's in your eyes, but we'll fly farther

Fifty years have ridden off into the sunset
And the tears that we have cried have overflown
Here we are counting scars, wounds of life's ending upset
You're with me and I with you and I will never forget

And my time flies but we'll fly farther
Into the night where the eyes of loneliness will never bother
All our dreams of together uneclipsed by never never
And my time flies it's in your eyes, but we'll fly farther

He picked her up some flowers
On a sunday acfternoon
He rode the Greyhound bus past the house they used to swoon
He knelt beside the grave, hung his head, a teardrop fell
And on the stone epitaph show the words he knew so well...

And my time flies but we'll fly farther
Into the night where the eyes of loneliness will never bother
All our dreams of together, uneclipsed by never never
And my time flies, I see it in your eyes, but we'll fly farther

We'll fly farther
We'll fly farther

Pardon me, your epidermis is showing ! Is it really so black & white?

So, I am having the time of my life down in Brentwood (one of the 'high stats' for not so good stuff kinda neighborhoods) serving at 2nd Mile Ministries Summer Day Camp. I am also getting my butt kicked, it is wearing me out, and challenging me..in a good way. I am hanging out each day with about 60-80 of my new BF's (that's Best Friends for those of you who have forgotten).

Last night I had the privilege of attending the Ascension Recollect Tour. ( A night of worshiping God and hearing some Truth)  And this is what has prompted me to write today.

 At this event Boyd (the teacher for the night) shared on this verse:

1 Peter 2

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY.   Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they see them, glorify God when He comes.

The following will be my usual jumble so read on at your own risk of sheer confusion :)

I am looking at this verse last night and thinking WOW, a chosen race. I do not pretend to have a clue what the people of this country must feel inside that have had their forefathers and even their own selves treated as sub-human because of their 'race'. I am thinking of Indians (the one's we took America from) & Darker skinned people (otherwise known to some as black or African American and so on) It is very hard for me to refer to anyone by their supposed skin color. When I hold a piece of paper up to my arm I am quite obviously NOT white. I am not a fan of classifying people by colors and especially colors we are not... ANYWAYS, when I see this verse and read 'a CHOSEN race'  I wonder what these people who have been so ill treated at times through out our history solely based on RACE think at times or all the time... I think 'do they ever feel like they are CHOSEN as a race? Do they feel the feeling that one feels when they KNOW they have been chosen?? I am picturing an afternoon recess where the kickball game is about to begin. You know certain people will automatically be chosen. And if you were like me you know you probly' aren't at the top of the list! Oh that feeling of 'please don't pick me last, please see some redeeming quality in me that would allow me to be chosen before the last round'. Do you remember that feeling, whichever end of the spectrum you were on??

To be chosen based on 'things' or not chosen because you lacked 'something'. Ugghhhhh....not fun!

So, as I pondered this verse last night and thought about ALL these kids I am with every day at camp (and yes, my kids and the other volunteers kids are the only 'white' kids there) my heart hurt to think we still live in a time where the color of our skin matters. I couldn't help but hurt for the fact that they will still have certain odds stacked against them JUST because their epidermis is a few shades darker than mine. (OH PLEASE do not comment to me about reverse prejudice or any of that mumbo jumbo--and NO, I am  not an expert on Race, it's really not the point---I have grown up in a very racial family and I still see it and hear it all around me all the time, I know ....) I thought about how we (as God followers) have a chance, a privilege, a duty to tell these kids THEY ARE CHOSEN when they make a decision to surrender to God! They can know the deep abiding feeling of joy and hope and peace and security that comes with KNOWING  'You are a chosen Race'!!!..I have talked to them all week about how no one can take away their choice to be a God follower (aka Christian) and no one can deny that our God says "we" --His followers--- are a chosen race!! I want these kids to know their value is not in their color but in their identity.. they are not good or bad based on color. They are not less or more than me just because our skin is a few shades a part. I want these kids to internalize that the TRUEST things about them are the things GOD says about them!

Then my mind shifted last night to us, the believers, the ones who make up this 'CHOSEN RACE'. Boyd was challenging us to live this verse out. The Big C Church, to be known by our LOVE in ACTION. He wants us to proclaim the Truth. We have been called out of darkness into His marvelous Light. We, who were not a people, are now HIS people. Should we not want this for EVERYONE regardless of race or socioeconomic status? There was time when we had not received His mercy, but now we have. Do we not remember the wicked depraved people we were --'BG', --before God?...Think about this..you had no choice in your race, or your family etc...what if you had been born the exact opposite (as if there really were one) of what race you are now? Would you not have wanted someone to love you with God's love and reach out and share His Truth with you? (by the way, sshhhhh, Jesus is NOT white, he was far from Honky status!)  What is the verse, there is neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female... The Bible is RICH in Truth that Jesus came for ALL, that God is not partial, that His mercy is for everyone who will receive... I know in America it is hard to not be somewhat prejudice one way or the other, we have had it ingrained in us for sooooo long, too long....it is a work of the  Holy Spirit of God to change us into lovers of ALL people! Just like some marriages that get broken and only God can change the heart of a spouse who wants to leave---we MUST beg Him for a changed heart, one that is fervently wanting ALL to know Him. When God truly gets a grip on your life, your desires match up with HIS! He very clearly states that one CAN NOT hate his fellow man and say he loves God. The two go hand in hand. It is God's Spirit that allows us to love Him and others.

So, you say, 'well, I don't hate the 'black' or the 'white' person I just think we are s'posed to keep our people with our people and theirs with theirs'. OR 'I'm not prejudice I just have seen how 'those ' people act and I'm just not gonna be puttin up with it'..Whatever your sentence is-----REALLY? REALLY? wow, what must we do to the heart of God when we say we accept His love and mercy and grace but we do not accept His people? (HE created everyone, He is the great artist :), He makes the colors, He blends the colors..we are the HUMAN RACE, not A RACE, and when we KNOW God because we've heard Him call us by name (not by color) we are part of a CHOSEN RACE. (and we should not be prideful about that either, if we understand anything about God that should humble us not puff us up!)  

Anyways, even bigger broader strokes now...as I think about the Human Race, I think of people with AIDS, elderly, single moms, orphans, widows, homeless people..our next door neighbors....our co- worker. Folks, we have a mission to fulfill. Our lives are not our own IF we've been bought with a price!! You exchanged the old you for a new you and the new you is part of the only Kingdom that can not be shaken. You have a calling...you have a purpose....you are 'on mission' by virtue of the fact that you chose God back when He chose you! So, when you read the rest of the verses they talk about the fact that YOU are now the 'foreigner'....hmmmmmm....

So, we, this chosen race by God are now the 'foreigner', we are the odd ones, the different ones, the strangers, the ALIENS!!!! The FREAKS!!! Our lives, our behavior, our actions..everything about us should STAND OUT!   OUR LIVES SHOULD SHOUT --- And they should shout GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS ABOUT GOD!!!! We should no longer be known by our hatred, our meanness, our prejudices, our stinginess, our SIN....we should be known by the OPPOSITE things. If the world loves something we should probably hate it, if the world accepts something , we should probably not..MOSTLY we should be seeing ourselves as HOLY vessels that the One True God wants to pour Himself into and out of to reveal Himself to the world!!!!   I have challenged the kids in camp this week to count the cost. To not just take it lightly that they have a choice to make. Choosing a life for Christ does not get you into an elite country club full of  all the 'good stuff'. Have you read about Jesus's life? If we are to walk as He did that does not equal the 'good life'.

Song time:

This is the good life
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in Your arms

Loneliness has left me searching
For someone to love
Poverty has changed my view
Of what true riches are
Sorrow's opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart's happiness 

Ahhh, old school Audio Adrenaline. For real brothers and sisters ... are you living like an ALIEN? Do you fit right in? Are you sooo consumed with mimicking the world for your family that you have allowed the world to be forgotten? ie, Are you  at the country club aka church building 5 times a week doing some great program for your kids there that you never actually give thought to the kid who would love an hour of your time? Your love, your hug, your smile?  What about the bazillion other people that NEED to know about our God and His lavish love???? There is a ministry available on every block that you could get plugged into..there is a need on every corner waiting to be filled...I will not even begin to name all the ways we can and should be being His hands n feet? What are we (Christians) known for right now? Our heroic acts of self sacrifice and love? I don't think so..(and if you think I'm not preaching to myself, while I have one finger pointed at you, there are several pointing back at me!!...I repulse myself for my lack of willingness to do WHATEVER He asks..ugghhh..I am praying for more and more of the Spirit's equipping to be bold enough, brave enough, crazy enough to live as HE would desire!)

So, I couldn't help but feel cynical as I looked around this room filled with hundreds of, yes, mostly white people, last night that were furiously fist pumping or hand raising in their worship of our God and wonder who here will actually go out and BE the CHURCH? Not just attend it??? We are a sleeping giant, it is true..imagine what we could do if we tapped into the Spirit' s power and surrendered everything to HIM???? What if we took God at His word and just lived every day in ways that we would stand out as the ALIENS He says we are?

As I think about camp & how tiring it is to be a part of, how hard it is to get my own kids motivated and there each day... I beg God to burn these kid's faces into my mind and heart. I want to be so burdened for their souls that I lose sleep over them. I want to be bone tired because I've given something away each day that was never meant to be kept! I can not hoard His love!! Not any comparison at all but I think of Kate/Amazima and her quote about getting tired and how she said something to the effect of..'face down in the dirt is where I meet Jesus'. I want to meet Jesus where He is! In each of our lives that will be a different place....where should you be meeting Him? Where is He waiting for you to join Him? What prejudices and barriers does He want to break down in your life?

I will leave you with this, this week we did a little activity at camp, the 'I AM' page:

I am..... I need... I want..... and so on...

What would you fill in the blanks with? For me it might be...I am Kim, I need a some sleep my kids kept me up all night, I want some Starbucks, I like thrift store shopping and so on...

This is a sampling of the answers I got---- 

I am_____ I need my Dad, or my dad to get out of prison, or my mom to stop being so mean, I want a child of my own or my mom to marry her boyfriend, I want to go to church or I want to be a cop , I like being here at camp, I'd like you to be my mom Mrs. Kim, I love you......

There are hurting, hopeless people all around us..in all shades, all income brackets, all different homes or no homes, all kinds of illnesses or in perfect health. They need to have their God shaped hole filled and then they need you to walk alongside them...Think about it this week..has God really intersected your life? Would you know it by your actions? Do you want to lay down your life or just have a 'good life'...do you truly believe there is a war for the souls of ALL mankind going on or is God just another part of your neat compartmentalized life???..(again, shouting loudest to myself!!) We are either bringing glory to or stealing it away from our great God....

"I want to see miracles, to see the world change"..Go read Radical or the Whole in our Gospel or something that illuminates how our Faith with out works is DEAD! I do not want a dead faith! 

Father--wake us up, let us SEE people as You see them, worthy God, not worthless, let us see how we have been crippled Lord or cripple ourselves with our prejudices, let us be broken over the things that break Your heart, let us run with reckless abandon to do the works You put us here for, let us beg You for more of Your Spirit so we can GO and do what needs to be done, Father forgive us for getting so caught up in the programs that we have forgotten the people, Father let us WAKE UP and put aside EVERYTHING that hinders....fill the empty places in us, let us be over-flowing with the fruit of Your Spirit so we can be world changers, and by our deeds and our LOVE let us be known!!!..Give us orphans and widows to rescue, slaves to set free, people in chains to unloose, YOU burden us God and do not allow us to be at peace until we are sharing YOUR story of Hope with a lost and dying world!~ Let us live as children of the Light, to come out and be separate, to stand in the truth that we are NOW CHOSEN people who were once walking in our depravity...Do not let us forget where we have come from and be so filled with HOPE at where we are going we want to take everyone we can!!!! Let us redeem the time we have wasted ...wake us up Father, wake us up....we need You more than we know and we need Your love and mercy....God help us! Praise Your name alone....

Thanks for reading if you made it this far :) One final song:

There are many prodigal sons
On our city streets they run
Searching for shelter
There are homes broken down
People's hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures

This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We're crying for them come back home
We're crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

There are

schools full of hatred Even churches have forsaken Love and mercy May we see this generation In it's state of desperation For Your glory This is an emergency! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! And all Your children will stretch out their hands And pick up the crippled man Father, we will lead them home Father, we will lead them home

S

Scared to death!!! Well, kinda...cuz the battle is not ours ;)

Ok, the quick version for those asking:

We are attempting to move 'Home' to the town-house today. We have officially moved in or out of our home ten times we think over the last ten months :) Fun stuff! What a perspective on being here (planet Earth) temporarily... Anyhoo - here is our plan while we wait on the Lord to 'rescue' us by either A. getting us out of the town-house or B. by making it 'safe'....

RYLAND HOMES, after seeing in black and white that THEY are at fault from the last tests, still refuses to do anything to clean our house up/make it safe.  For those wondering, the whole big fat problem seems to be that since we live in a model home the builder apparently thought it would be okay to leave parts of the house 'un-done'. They left a huge hole in the floor of our A/C closet right under the return. (Which has allowed debris, dust, outside warm humid air etc to be pulled straight up into our A/C thereby contaminating our ENTIRE HOME & Duct System. Providing an amazing source for MOLD to grow etc etc ) And they left a gaping hole at the top of the return duct in the same closet leading from the attic thereby allowing insulation/fiberglass into our  A/C  & duct system  and allowing that wonderfully 'sickening' (pun intended) poison into my ENTIRE HOME. So....

We were left as of last Thursday night, when RYLAND finally responded to our requests for help, with the choice of somehow moving home anyways vs not. We have prayed about it and brainstormed and believe that one way to 'see' if we can ever live in the house again is to move home with portable A/C's running and about oh, 17 fans, and give it a whirl. (Which btw yesterday brought the downstairs down to a comfortable 88 degrees) This appealed to us as we are sick of moving and we need to know if we can ever live in the town-house anyways....

Here are a few random things to know---

• I went home yesterday to try and 'clean out' the house the best I can with out a few grand to hire a remediation company. I followed the protocol I found online the best I could (with the amazing help of Julie, Natalie and my mom..hooorrrraaayyy for helpers!)
• As mentioned above, we have not only sunk our savings (sorry Kaitlyn, it was her car money for one thing) BUT maxed out our only CC during our last move. Here is where things get sticky for me Faith-wise. I do not want to bypass what the Lord may want to do in our life and we are strongly against being in debt....it hurts my heart so much that we are again in BONDAGE over this and I second guess myself all the time...should we have just moved to Valdosta or ????. Ugghhhh, this is one area I am just not okay with..Debt Free is where I wanna be :)
• Even tho' I have now cleaned my home the best I could, because we are now hyper-sensitive to Chemicals/Molds our body may RECOGNIZE this home even with only minimal traces of contaminants and we may never be able to live there. grrrrr...Crazy huh?
• To fix the house for us we need to have the A/C deep cleaned and or replaced & the duct work replaced completely to be truly 'clean' as far as the A/C system goes. Think about this, we are in a town-house, 1/2 of the duct work is between floors---the ONLY way to replace it is to remove the 2nd floor sub-floor---sounds simple...right?
• Again, even if everything is done we may not be able to live their IF our bodies have 'deemed this home unacceptable' :)..imagine if we do ALL the work and still can't live there....
• We have already put (between us and the Insurance) over 30 thousand dollars into this home...
• Talked to several lawyers already---most wanted at least 10-15000 dollars as a retainer JUST to take the case..I'm sorry we don't have 10-15 bucks to give you let alone, THOUSANDS...
• We are praying and seeking whether or not to try and fix the home ('Fully' for our sake) on our own if no-one will take the case on contingency OR just to fix what has to be fixed for 'normal' people and juts try to sell it....which again will put us back with nowhere to live....hmmmmmm
• The above will still require money...hmmmmm...decisions decisions....
• IF we have to move somewhere else we are kinda back to square one, as we are now MCS (multiple chemical sensitive) so we will have quite the battle finding somewhere that does NOT make us sick!! BUT is this what the Lord wnats, do we want to move somewhere closer to where we will be in ministry?? Near downtown???? Hmmmmmmm........
• BOTTOM LINE---we now find ourselves in just the place we want to be..a place where we can not figure out the answer OR rescue ourselves...this battle is no longer ours..it belongs to the Lord, only He can rescue us..and that rescue may not look the way we want it to....BUT our BIGGEST prayer is 'Be Glorified' Lord...Find all the ways YOU want to make Your name known! If we have to move 38 more times and proclaim HIM through each one, so be it....we are no more deserving of a nice clean home than millions of people worldwide who have no safe place to be....we want HIS will wayyyyy more than our way....

So, that is the quickest nut shell I know how to do....if you are a Christ follower we covet your prayers in this desperately..we feel like God is giving us a new /fresh start in ministry..we are ready to face the giants (by HIS  Spirit alone) and know that warfare comes w/the territory..so, scared to death, YES, but the battle is not ours...we are MORE than conquerors when we rest in HIM and the victory is already won from His viewpoint....we LOVE our God and want to be pleasing to Him alone....

the end.

What is Life worth???..

What is the value of a life? What is it worth? Is even an unborn several week old baby important?.....

As I lay here in bed at my in-love's home waiting for the rest of this 'life' to drain away..vivid , yes, too graphic, sorry... I know deep in my heart that this little life has already truly been gone from my body for some time. Now I am just left with the physical reminders of what was and what will never be.

Here is where my mind had already gone with this child...I was already looking for new cloth diapers, already had an amazing 'diet' planned that would ensure this pregnancy would go smoothly and this child would not be toxic, or full of chemicals, or prone to autism. I had already pictured the sling I would buy, the amazing IKEA shopping trip to get everything one truly needs to outfit a baby area cheaply & gorgeously. I had already planned my homes-kool year around having a baby right after our winter break. I had pictured myself just getting over morning sickness when 2nd Mile Ministries Summer Camp began. I had hoped for a boy to give Levi a little buddy. These are dreams that will never be realized..not for this baby.

Going backwards....since moving out of our 'Sick-House' my cycles had been greatly messed up. It began with my first miscarriage last summer. (You can read about baby Greyson in my previous blog) I had never even had so much as really painful periods ...and now I had periods for weeks on end and they were violent! So, every so often in the midst of not knowing when my next cycle was due I would wonder if I had gotten pregnant. I probly' bought at least 20 dollars worth of the Dollar Store PG tests. All negative. And truth be told I would breathe a sigh of relief. I feel strongly, very strongly about adoption and rescuing children who do not have a say so about being here on planet earth and they NEED us. I already had been blessed with 4 amazing pregnancies and children...I am almost 40...I was content to have that door closed and begin the process of adding through adoption to our little tribe.

When several weeks ago it hit me that I could clearly remember feeling like my cycle should have been here by now....hmmmmmmm. I assumed the test would be negative as it had been all this last year. I was at Publix when I couldn't wait to get home to 'see'. So, I tucked into a stall and quickly took the test. It immediately 'answered' me--with a negative. Phew, I thought. I guess my body really is that screwed up now and I won't ever be pregnant again. I stood up and grabbed the test stick to toss and glanced down. Really? Really? It had gone to a big fat PLUS sign..oh my word..I was pregnant. I started shaking and literally felt faint.

My first thoughts were happy and that this would be exciting news for Ray who had told me several times recently how I was glowing and looked so beautiful (and I would assure him, somewhat angrily at times..please do not say that..I am NOT pregnant and never will be again most likely). He was over joyed at the news. We decided to tell Kaitlyn & a few select people who could be praying for us. We also purposefully decided NOT to share with family or friends who thought we were nuts already for having FOUR, can you believe it? FOUR  food eating, clothes destroying, college funds needing kids...what would we be thinking in our 40's no less, to STILL be trying to have kids? (sarcasm intended..though I do understand their misguided thinking ;)  Though I too thought it would be best at this time if the Lord decided my body was not well enough to carry more children and those baby's crying out for 'forever families' need us wayyyy more.. After processing being with child again, I humbly relented that I am still NOT God and I do not need to be hesitant if He decides to bless us with more of His creations! I was sorrowful for my misgivings about not welcoming more biological children and told the Lord that I was happy He would allow us another chance at life this way. I can not see the Big Picture as He can---I do not know why He chooses what He does and when, I just know that children are a blessing and not a curse. I know that He is truly the giver of life. If He chooses for us to have more biological children..at this age, with all the madness of our life right now, with our heart for adoption..then He must see something we do not and we must believe His ways are better than ours.

So, fast forward...I felt very pregnant for a while..automatically outgrew my clothes. Had a very discernible 'bump.' Craved tuna fish sandwiches from Subway. (I'm a vegetarian..and yes, fish have faces, they are alive..so this is not normal for me:)  The pregnancy was very real for us.

During the weeks leading up to this pregnancy I had been reading a book called  'Hospital by the River'. It is the compelling heartbreaking story but hope filled story of  Catherine Hamlin and her husband and the work they did in Ethiopia. They focused their lives work on helping women with fistula's. Please read their story, it is very eye opening.  These women have very little hope of carrying all or most of their children to term and delivering successfully. Many women labor for days or weeks (and their babies die inside them) and eventually they deliver but not before their bodies are severely damaged.This is a small excerpt from the foundations website:

http://www.fistulafoundation.org/

A fistula is simply a hole between an internal organ and the outside world that should not exist.  There are two primary causes of fistula in women in developing countries:  childbirth, causing obstetric fistula and sexual violence, causing traumatic fistula

Obstetric fistula the most devastating of all childbirth injuries

An obstetric fistula develops when blood supply to the tissues of the vagina and the bladder (and/or rectum) is cut off during prolonged obstructed labor. The tissues die and a hole forms through which urine and/or feces pass uncontrollably. Women who develop fistulas are often abandoned by their husbands, rejected by their communities, and forced to live an isolated existence.

Can you imagine? Something that most of us in America would take for granted is a horrifying, scary, life altering experience for so many. Why and how am I connecting this to my current loss.

Well, I believe God's timing is right on. He is never late and never early. I do not believe in coincidences. I knew in my heart of hearts as I felt this little life leave that it was yet again a HUGE reminder to me that we MUST be Pro-LIFE not just Pro-Birth! It is easy to say we are pro-life when what we really mean is we are pro-birth. We say life is valuable. We say abortion is murder. But what is it when 'we' sit and allow another woman's baby to die in the birthing process because she is wayyyyy over there and her life does not really touch mine. And beyond that, what are we when we sit and allow millions, MILLIONS of orphans to go without a forever family..to be tied to beds to live out their days like a worthless mutt..to be crowded into a room with ten or more of their 'best friends' because there aren't enough funds for one bed a piece, or young men and women released from the hell of an orphanage straight into the hands of the  human trafficking/sex-slave trade....what are we for again? Birth or Life? Even here in Florida where adoption is FREE we have hundreds and hundreds of kids without homes because well.......I forget why is that? But we are sure that life has value.... right?

I believe people do want life, I see it in my FB posts and in my emails... by all the prayers and well wishes offered up for me in this miscarriage or for our dear brother and sister Mike & Brooke  in the loss of their baby to an adoption gone horribly wrong. People are sad for us. They grieve with us. They want to help. They truly care. They are angry at the injustice. 'Not another miscarriage.' ...'Surely you can't have paid all that money for the adoption and come home empty handed'..it is a good anger...it is needed...we should be sad and broken at the loss of life no matter how it comes. We should be angry at this.... LIFE is good and we should welcome it. We should be sorrowful when it is taken or withheld....my arms ache to hold this baby. My children were devastated that yet again a brother or sister was just 'gone'. Why would God do this they want to know.... It is normal and natural to long for life! It is in our makeup! Some of us squelch it or pretend that life is better when we are 'free' from all the entanglements that  more life brings. But deep deep down, we were created for one another. We need each other. We need to care for something outside ourselves.  No, I don't wish all my kids were Kaitlyn's age and about to leave home so I could be 'free'. Children ARE our future and I welcome them....My freedom is found  in giving my life to others...not easy, not pain free..but worth it!!!

BUT back to the point...IF we are pro-LIFE what are we doing about it? Don't just be sad for me as I have another baby now with my Abba Father. Be sad at ALL the baby's still here who need arms to hold them! Be sad for girls who are raped ten, fifteen, a hundred times a night in human trafficking, be sad for the unborn child who could not make it out of his mother's womb for lack of education and proper medical care. Get angry at the injustice of all LIFE that is needlessly lost or wasted. I trust my Father's heart and know that my baby is better off in Heaven, I know we live in a dying decaying world with broken bodies. I may never carry another child to term. I grieve that today BUT it spurs me on to MORE. This child and Greyson were not here and then gone in vain. They are very real, very painful, very serious reminders to me of all the lives that still await my love and care and compassion.....

Many people say  'people would help if they were just made aware of the problem'..ummmmmm , I'm not so sure about that. I'm a pretty selfish creature. I know there are many many days I pick me over anything else. What does it truly look like to lay down my own life for the sake of others. Where does that 'Mother Theresa' quality come from? What does it take to make us broken enough to actually do something for the 'poor and helpless, fatherless and widow'? Not a token something that doesn't really cost us..but a real tanginble something that is beyond us to follow through with in our own strength? What would it take to wake up the church, true followers of Christ, that would cause us to take up these causes in the ways our forefathers and mothers once did? We used to be the people who were known to stay behind during the plagues to care for others..or it would be known that you could abandon your baby on my doorstep and know that I would care for them....Don't we want to be that kind of people?      I do....but will I allow this death to push me towards this kind of life..giving up, sacrificing, trusting in only the Spirit and not ourselves to live this way????

Ray and I have been talking a lot these last few days. Our life, it is not the same as it was a few years ago, we have walked a crazy path and it is just now bringing us full circle to where we started. We KNOW we are called to serve our Abba and live in a way that is counter-cultural.... We KNOW that we must put our actions behind our words. We KNOW that on our own with out the Spirit of the living God enabling we will fail miserably! We have opened our hearts and lives to give free reign to whatever God wants to do....from where we will live, to how we will spend His money, to where we will gather with other believers, to how many kids He desires for us, to how many precious children we can rescue and give a forever home too....these choices are all now in His hands. (Btw these are not our ideas, they are just convictions we feel from His word, we are not seeking to illuminate our life and make it an open book for our sake BUT for His name and His reknowm. :) HE alone is worthy!

"I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. Don't get me wrong: God has already done so much in my life, and I am grateful for it. I'm just convinced there is more. There's more of the Spirit and there is more of God than any of us is experiencing. I want to go there---not just intellectually, but in life, with everything that I am."  (Farncis Chan-Forgotten God) BAM! Hit me right in the gut. THIS IS WHERE I AM LORD!!!! I want more of him and more of this life!!! I want my children here and the ones now in Heaven to be proud of me and their Dad, to know that we burned up our one shot SHOUTING with our lives-----we are PRO-LIFE not just Pro-birth! ALL life is valuable and has worth..every homeless person, every widow, every orphan, every poor, every hopeless, every prisoner..every person in bondage or captivity -whether it be in their mind or physically is valuable and worthy of my time, effort, resources, prayers--my very life!!!!! WE are to share the great news that our God saves, He reigns, He is, He always will be, He will set you free and He loves you and has a plan for you. And my life should convey that not just in words but in deeds. Spirit---enable us!!!!!

I am surrounded by love right now..I am so grateful. I have a daughter who is being extremely sacrificial, she is working out her own salvation for sure while caring for me and my children during this time. For my husband who has chosen to take time off of work to be with me while I journey down this unwanted path yet again. To have people drop their own plans in a heartbeat to do for us. (Both my father and father in love driving Ray back and forth from Jville to be here) For my in-loves for opening their home to us..I KNOW a housefull of children can be overwhelming..they are being so merciful. For everyone loving on us from afar....I feel it. Thank you.... Many times if given a choice we would surely not choose what has happened to us. But if we put our HOPE in a something and somewhere and somehow and SOMEONE bigger than us, even our shattered dreams are made beautiful in time.

My newest babe is named Sam. (Taken from this website after hours of searching...http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/137087/jewish/Samech-To-Support-and-Heal.htm) It's basic meaning is Support, but when you read this page holy moly at the deeper meaning. I wanted a name for this child I will never hold to be representative of the fact that God alone is our strength, our Healer, our support..He alone will hold us up through the death of another baby. And this baby, if you read about the name, will be a constant reminder that we (through God) have an infinite light and power that can change this dark world.

If you need or desire some ideas of how to change your world...here's a short list to check out:

http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/programs/adoption/

http://reecesrainbow.org/

http://www.gfa.org/

http://www.thea21campaign.org

http://www.compassion.com/

http://www.fistulafoundation.org/

Anyways, if you've stuck with my ramblings this long. God bless you ;) and thank you. Never knew how cathartic typing it all out was! I will end with words stolen from a dear lil momma's blog who is about to welcome LIFE..thanks Mrs. Warner!

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue,The shade of You 

Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between inside of me..

Oh let it be morning...

Here we go again..literally!

So..as of last night we have decided to take yet another 'break' from this lovely town-home. Here is the sorta kinda why in the world we are doing this AGAIN story....

For those who don't know, don't understand, and prayerfully haven't experienced it yet...your home can kill ya! And if it doesn't kill you, at the very least it can make you miserable. (See prior posts for more info on what has happened to us) We know that something in this home was/might still be/may always be making us sick. We moved out last fall with just the clothes on our backs. By the time we walked away Levi was coughing and puking nightly. We all coughed until we fell asleep exhausted. Joint pains. Miscarriages. Rashes..and so on.  THIS is WHAT your HOME can do to you...fun stuff! Do a quick google search on Sick House Syndrome, Sick Building Syndrome, Mold Toxicity, Formaldehyde Poisoning and so on...creepy, crazy, scary stuff!

At the beginning of this year we moved home..after LOTS of work/remediation/discarding items etc etc. We had high hopes that this was the right thing to do... again, more on that in my older post. And so...we began to get sick again. We were advised to shut down the A/C system. Not such a big deal a few weeks ago, now we are sitting here with the thermostat hovering around 84-87 and high humidity. Grrrrrrr, I am not fan of sweating all the time, even if I am not actually even doing anything other than breathing. (said in my best Junie B Jones voice) And not sure if there is a link or not but the hotter it gets the worse my kiddos sleep. I am also not a fan of sleep deprivation ;)

So now the Insurance company is back involved, we've had several more inspections in the last two weeks and just recently been advised to move out until the situation is resolved. Sounds simple, but in theory IF we are now hyper sensitive to Mold and many chemicals... 'just moving out' isn't so easy. We will have to stay somewhere that does not have water issues or chemical issues and so on.... Right now I get sick in the shampoo aisle or in stores with lots of fluorescent lights and so on. And financially it's not so easy. (Insurance and builder refuse to help until it is proven that they are at fault) We are a one income family, still digging our way out of a failed ministry (coffee shop) from almost 5 years ago, and trying to walk out our faith by allowing Him to control His money. (He being God) ...So, just up and leaving is a huge decision..we've wrestled with it for a while and only after the Lord connected us with our newest friends (Mold Warriors :) have we really felt good about yet again walking away. We have enough money (which was earmarked for other items, sorry about that) to last about two weeks out of the house (and that is even with help from my mom). We feel strongly about the things that money was supposed to pay for BUT we feel even stronger that if staying here is adding more of a toxic load to our kids' bodies...no amount of budgeting/money is worth that.

I feel like a lot of the drama with this home has been a true test of WHERE our hearts are. It's really made us question a lot. We are seeing how easily it is to be attached to your stuff and not the 'stuff maker' :) It is easy to get caught back up in the drama of the sick house and forget the lil wee ones who are sitting in front of you while you have YET another discussion on what to do, or have to make just one more phone call about 'it' while they wait...Grrrrrrr! How easily distracted we are from the "Real Thing". So...in a way this new advice to leave is a blessing in disguise. We will be forced for the next two weeks to just leave this house and it's drama behind!

I am going to finish packing in the morning. Shove as many beach toys and art supplies as I can into the van. Go load up on bulk fruits n veggies at Sam's. Come grab my sleepy husband (it's his first day off tomorrow and he is on the night shift). Swing by Middleburg to grab my mom. And head outa town...


As I sit here and type and my home is finally cooling off..thank you fans and night time and God..I am reminded again how fortunate I am. There are many today, maybe in Japan.. in other places...that can not escape the Toxic world they are in or find comfort from the heat. Even on my worst day as a Mold Victim I am truly not so bad off am I? Though I have had many meltdowns this week as my kid's health and behavior continues to decline and I am overwhelmed with their care, I am still blessed to have so many tools (books, family & friends, Internet, inspectors..) at my fingertips. And I have a God who loves and adores my family. He KNOWS the way we should take and as He refines us we will hopefully shine like gold for Him. And in the shattered dreams we live out we will hopefully long more and more for a HOME that does not hurt us. Wheww. Amen and Amen. One day I will look at this and see clearly why we had to walk it out..until then I trust that my Hope Giver has a plan. And nothing, no amount of mold or formaldehyde or sickness can stop us from spreading His hope to the least of these....

These lyrics spoke to my heart this week:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty

hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Thank you Jesus!!! Would covet your prayers for clarity...we need to know what we are to do when these two weeks are up....super grateful that you would remember us to the Father....because of mercy-----me.

Fast Food (and other ramblings on pure religion & stuff)

Picture the scene in Slum Dog Millionaire where the little orphaned children are being asked to sing, oh my word when the little boy starts to sing....this movie is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES now...not because the hokey plot is great but because it hits somewhere deep deep in the core of me...I weep each time I watch it...and now I have a two year old who bursts into song throughout the week that I would swear IS this kid's song..it is NOT English and she sounds eerily like him..she is singing in earnest..I seriously have to wonder if this IS God speaking to me, orphans haunting me, my actions (or lack there-of) convicting me.....


So, this has been keeping me awake for years....I hope that hearing my burden will cause it to also become your burden. How nice of me :) I also hope that seeing my burden in print will cause me to be more forceful in taking ACTION! Know ahead of time that it would take a full book to really capture how I feel about this. I am in a constant war with myself to give up my love affair with the world and give in to my yearning for a bigger, more real, more impactful love affair with my God and His creation....this blog is more my anger coming out and my call to action. It does not do justice to the tears that flow in the early morning hours when I am only slightly cold and can easily cover me and whatever babe has crawled into bed with me..and my mind flashes to millions who will have nothing to ease their chill or even keep them from freezing-to death-literally. It will not clearly convey how I feel when I throw away leftovers, or speak a harsher than needed word to my child, or buy yet another 'sundress' for my already spoiled girls....I feel a war waging---a fight between the me I am and the me I know I was created to be. What would mom's all over the world give to be in my place, where there is 'ALWAYS MORE THAN ENOUGH'.???? This blog will shed light on some stuff that most of us do not want to hear let alone be moved to do anything about............I hope through the anger and ramblings you will glimpse a Wife, Mom, Daughter and friend who is no longer comfortable in her own skin, in, in her own life ..who prays daily for God to break her heart.

FAST FOOD? "Why have we fasted and You have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and You have not noticed?" the people say. .....Fast forward to the end of God's reply.....

"Is not this the kind of fast I have chosen : to loose the chains of injustice & untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free, and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer shelter- when you see the naked to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"

(Isaiah 58)

I am wondering how many of us equate fasting with abstaining from food or maybe some other 'thing' for a set period of time? What about these verses from the Truth? This is straight from God's mouth...I know that most of the Church does NOT practice this kind of fasting! (BTW if you want to see what God promised to those who practiced this type of fasting, go check out the 'rest of the story')

I was blown away the first time I cam across those verses. Wow. God expects this kind of 'fasting'? I am no Bible scholar so please do not mistake this as some theology letter/review etc. This is just my heart being pricked by some words that say to me, "hey that whole don't eat for a few hours deal,  that's not getting to the heart of the matter...you Americans, well frankly you could afford to skip a few meals all the time...I'm looking a little deeper than that..I'm looking at your heart Kim Reeves and seeing if your actions will match up with your words. You really wanna fast..try this!".."this will get my attention" (Please don't hear what I'm NOT saying..I am not saying we earn God's merit by doing good works..I'm saying by my fruit you will know me, and know what I believe, and know what God has broken my heart with because I am so in tune with His heart! )

Now, I am reading a book called 'The Hole In Our Gospel" ( for some he aligns himself w/toooo much social gospel and it's too watered down) I am not here to make that call..I am just using all the truth and the Truth he has written about to write my blog :) If you read his story it's hard NOT to think he's got wayyyy more right than most of us and he is refreshingly honest about the struggle to maintain the right God kinda heart towards the 'oppressed, the wanderer, the fatherless, the widow etc'

So, since he has done most of my work for me I am literally about to 'copy/paste' a junk load of quotes from his book. Reader beware..this may make you feel like doing some hard sacrificial things!

"The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the Good News is preached to the poor" Jesus talking! (Is this what we do all day, I'm pretty sure He told us that we should follow Him...we should be about the Father's business...that by our fruit we'd be known. Read ALL of what Jesus did while here...if HE thought it was important to link His Good News with meeting physical needs and to care deeply for those who were hurting SHOULDN'T WE?????? Where have we gotten the idea that living out our  Faith is ALL ABOUT US!   

Soap box time- common things heard by 'us'. 'Lord, let me just get that close parking space.' 'Lord, please let lil Bobby get into the next little league level' 'Lord, if You will just let me get that job I'll give You a tithe from my new income or I'll go to church every time the doors are open.' (I am NOT belittling our prayers or desires..I am trying to illuminate where our focus IS vs where it maybe SHOULD BE.) And, how many programs/activities  do we have to fill up our church and social calendars? You can get most of your calendar filled if you just attend church a few days a week, go to a few extra classes (scrap-booking, ladies Bible study, have your kids in one/two/three activities, make it home after church every week for the Big Game and so on....) We have filled our calendars so full of 'US' time there is no time left for 'THEM'. The Great Commission tells us to do what?

“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have  commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the     very end of the age.”   (Matthew 28)                                                        

and Jesus Himself said He came to do what?

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
   because he has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
   and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
    to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor"

(Luke 4)

When will we be FULL enough of the Truth, Bible studies, Fellowships, Seminars etc  to ACTUALLY stop eating all the time and start Feeding others?????? Fulfilling the Great Commission??? Walking as Jesus walks?? Our 'religion' is not a crutch, a feel good philosophy...it is a way of life..a mission..something meaningful BUT oh so hard and impossible really with out His power..IT (being a God-follower) was never meant to be easy or fix all our problems (sorry Joel, the prosperity gospel is about as far from the Truth as you can get)....re-read the Luke verses above...IF He has truly changed our life it will be obvious by the fact that we have HOPE, that we are FREE, that we are aware that everything is different when looked at through the filter of TRUTH and then when our life is radically changed by it's intersection with Him we will WANT to GO and share what has happened and disciple others, proclaim the freedom that they too can have and so on.....

Back to the book, here is a picture that I know shocked me....

"Imagine that all 6.7 Billion people on earth are represented by 100 people. .....

Out of 100 people:

60 would be Asian

14 would be African

12 Would be European

8 would be Latin American

5 would be American or Canadian

1 would be from the South Pacific

51 would be male;49 female

82 would be non-white; 18 white

67 would be non-christian;33 would be christian

We might summarize this by saying we live in a world that is non-American, non-white, & non-Christian. (By some of our actions and beliefs you'd think WE were the chosen people!)

 Now, let's let's compare the  'HAVES and the HAVE NOTS'  (defining by income) Average American lives on  about $105. dollars a day btw.

Less than $2 a day = 40 % of world

Less than $1 a day = 15 % of world

$105. a day = 4.5% of world (us)"

MAGINE living on one or two bucks a day, go ahead......I'll wait. What does that make your grocery budget? Your housing budget? Your car payment budget? Your Starbucks, ice-cream, or Disney budget?..............Many believe this is the biggest problem in eradicating the problem's of the poorest. Since we, the rich,  just can't picture what 'they' live and since we don't have to face it each day we don't have to help or have our hearts broken picturing a mom foraging through a dump to find worm infested trash to feed her family or watching her children starve or die from easily treatable issues.  I have a good friend who recently said she just tries to pretend those things don't happen.....out of sight, out of mind.....uggghhhhhh, what must our God think of how we treat the 'least of these?' I am so guilty of NOT laying down my life for them, I personally do not consider it a sacrifice to sponsor a child or two or three WHEN I still can take a vacation to Disney, crank the A/C down when I feel like it, drink clean water, eat fresh food.....and so on. When will I consider the welfare of others as important as the welfare of my own family?????? 

"The Bible is clear from the Old Testament through the New that God's people always had a responsibility to see that everyone in their society was cared for at a basic needs level." Did you know the Bible is FULL of verses that speak the heart of our God for the poor/the helpless/the needy/the orphan and widow? As a matter of fact the name of this book came from an experiment. Several guys marked and cut out every verse in the Bible that has to do with this and what they were left with were LOTS OF HOLES IN OUR GOSPEL, a Bible that could barely stay together because so much was MISSING! Why do we cut and paste the Truth to make our God into what we can handle instead of allowing Him to have free reign??? To do things His way instead of our ultra-watered down wimpy version of Him? "We have shrunk Jesus to the size where He can save our soul, but now don't believe He can change the world" (anonymous)

"The true gospel is  a call to SELF-DENIAL not a call to SELF-FULFILLMENT"MacArthur 

We MUST wake-up Church. this is NOT the world's problem it is OURS!!!! When will we accept the whole of God's word as worthy and not just that which pacifies us? I think of the Switchfoot lyric "This is your life, are you who you wanna be?" Is this, ignoring the pain of the world, what we want to be remembered for????? 

"We can be the generation that no longer accepts that an accident of latitude determines whether a child lives or dies-but WILL WE BE THAT GENERATION? Will we in the West realize our potential or will we sleep in the comfort of our affluence with apathy & indifference murmuring softly in our ears?  15 THOUSAND PEOPLE dying needlessly EVERY DAY from Aids/TB & malaria. Mothers, fathers, teachers, farmers, nurses, mechanics, children. This is Africa's crisis. This is NOT on the nightly news, that WE do not treat this as an EMERGENCY-----that's OUR CRISIS.

Future generations flipping through these pages will know whether we answered the key question. The evidence will be the world around them. History will be our judge, but what's written is up to us. We can't say our generation didn't know how to do it. We can't say our generation can't afford it. (Even in 'these tough times') And we can't say our generation didn't have reason to do it. IT'S UP TO US!!!" -Bono

These are the things that haunt me. Do I love God with EVERYTHING if I can sit by and be okay with THOUSANDS of people dying EVERY DAY????? I leave no stone unturned when it comes to the health and well being of  'my kids' . I buy supplements for them that cost more than a month's wages for billions!!!! This is why I can't sleep well at night anymore---the question is---WHAT AM I DOING ABOUT IT????

Over 150 MILLION Orphans world-wide!!! 

In one stat that I  found there are supposedly over 150 million Christians in America....what if we, the Church eradicated the need for govt. programs like foster care...what if we became the Rescuers of ALL the orphans??? WHY do we allow people like Angelina to get the spotlight? (and God bless her for what she does!) But she puts us to shame folks!!!! Oh, it's because she has money and power right??? Again, back to putting God in the box!!! Do we really have so little faith that if we mobilized as the Rescuers that our God would not step in and provide the ways???? This IS His heart after all! How can we sit by and know they are stuck in horrible conditions/orphanages/institutions/kids who are listed as 'child head of the home' because they are 8 and taking care of their 3 younger siblings..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....this is NOT what I want to be remembered by! How about you??????

Think about this, we love it that God accepts us as His own..we are adopted into His family and treated as if we were His true children (Chosen people vs us). What if He left us as orphans???? We LOVE belonging, knowing we were rescued, that Someone saw us in our emptiness/alone-ness/need/sin and thought we were worth EVERYTHING.   Now, picture an orphan rocking themselves to sleep because there are not enough workers to hold each child or even most children. Don't we want to be the one to bring Hope to that child or children? To tell them they are worth it!!!!!

"But some will say "You have faith; I have deeds" Show me your faith with out deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do"

(James 2)  

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"(Eph.2) 

Some more interesting quotes..."The contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is a arch defender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent and often even vocal sanction of things as they are.".."All too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent behind the anesthetizing security of stained-glass windows."..'So, the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind will we be? Will we be extremists for hate or for love?"..."Often in history there are voices in the church speaking up for truth & righteousness, but they were often drowned out by the majority, who had become comfortable with or profited from, the status quo. (Think Slavery, think money for missions vs money for amenities at the country club (aka the church) and so on)  

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" (Gandhi)

OUCH! So true huh? We are known more now for what we hate or disagree and don't do than what we DO and LOVE and STAND FOR!!! I do not want that label. I do not want to be that kind of follower of my God. I want to hear 'Well done good and faithful servant"..not..."Well, you sure enjoyed that life, great use of your time, resources, and love" (Not that God has a sarcastic voice:), that's just how I hear it)

Anyways..last quote....

"Our Christian habit is to bewail the world's deteriorating standards with an air of rather self-righteous dismay. We criticize it's violence, dishonesty, immorality, disregard for human life, & materialistic greed. "The world is going down the drain" we say with a shrug. But whose fault is it Who is to blame? Let me put it like this.  If the house is dark when nightfall comes, there is no sense in blaming the house ; that is what happens when the sun goes down. The question to ask is 'Where is the light?' Similarly, if the meat goes bad & becomes inedible, there is no sense in blaming the meat; that is what happens when bacteria are left alone to breed. The question to ask is 'Where is the salt?'. Just so, if society deteriorates and it's standards decline until it becomes like a dark night or a stinking fish , there is no sense blaming society. That is what happens when fallen men and women are left to themselves and human selfishness is left unchecked. The question to ask is 'Where is the Church?' Why are the Salt & Light of Jesus not permeating and changing our society?" It is sheer hypocrisy on our parts to shrug our shoulders, or wring our hands, the Lord Jesus told us to be the world's salt and light. If therefore darkness and rottenness abound, it is largely our fault and we must 

accept the blame." (Stott)

I am not saying we will cure the world of all evil. We know the world is decaying and evil is rampant BUT right now do we do anything about it????? Or do we stay inside our homes and 'Country Clubs' aka churches and soak up the amenities while the world goes to Hell in a hand basket? Where are the hands and feet of our Jesus??? What do we do each day with our time? What do we do with our money? Our talents? Our resources? Our Love? Our prayers???????? Do we really need ALL that we have? Does each kid need a bedroom to himself? Do we need to be at church three times a week or could we be helping somewhere? WHERE would we find Jesus if He were here today?????

I'm NOT saying I have all the answers. I'm not saying I'm NOT a HUGE part of the problem..I am! I admit it..I have confessed it to my God that I want to 'cross the line from innocent bystander to hardcore participant'. I am just saying we have a choice, we have a responsibility....we have a God who loves us more than we could possibly ever grasp..and He wants us to love Him and share that love with the world.

Who can we 'go' to, who can we disciple??? What 'least of these' can we welcome into our safe comfortable world and recklessly share our 'Have's' with?????? What do we want to be known for and remembered for?????....How much Truth do we actually know & LIVE or is there a HUGE hole in our Gospel???

For the Reeves', well..He is up to stuff in our hearts...we are pursuing adoption in Florida first (where it's FREE, how crazy is that?)...and we are seeking ways to get outside of our tiny lil world and into His!....We are no model for great Christianity..we've KNOWN the Truth a LONG time....oh, the blood that is on our hands, the souls, the eternal things we have missed with our selfishness..I am ashamed.

I leave you with this song:

On our city streets they run Searching for shelter There are homes broken down People's hopes have fallen to the ground From failures This is an emergency! There are tears from the saints For the lost and unsaved We're crying for them come back home We're crying for them come back home And all your children will stretch out their hands And pick up the crippled man Father, we will lead them home Father, we will lead them home There are schools full of hatred Even churches have forsaken Love and mercy May we see this generation In it's state of desperation For Your glory This is an emergency! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! And all Your children will stretch out their hands And pick up the crippled man Father, we will lead them home Father, we will lead them home

Oh God, let our hearts be broken with the things that break Yours. Let us be desperate to share Your Hope with the oppressed, broken, homeless....(no matter what fashion or form that comes into our life as....)

Please excuse my ramblings and odd train of thought..there at least a hundred other things I want to say, more scripture to share..but hopefully you see my heart and get what I'm trying to say....thanks for reading!......

"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die, so that you can live as you wish" Mother Teresa