Sometimes Autism whispers, sometimes it speaks, and sometimes it screams! {A snapshot of our life with Autism}

{“Hope knows that if great trials are avoided great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted.”  Brennan Manning, Abba's Child
 Post dedicated to a man whose truth has helped me walk this road out, thank you Mr. Manning! }

  April is Autism Awareness Month so in light of my 'yesterday' I thought I'd share another quick snapshot of the behind the scenes life of a family walking it out...

First of all a few FACTS:

Did you know ...

• Autism now affects 1 in 88 children and 1 in 54 boys
• Autism prevalence figures are growing
• Autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the U.S.
• Autism costs a family $60,000 a year on average
• Autism receives less than 5% of the research funding of many less prevalent childhood diseases
• Boys are nearly five times more likely than girls to have autism
• There is no medical detection or cure for autism

I spent this morning crying .. over several things but mostly over what Autism does to a family. If you do not have children with Spectrum disorders/symptoms/signs it is probably similar to hearing about how an alien on another planet lives. It will be insane to you, you will maybe think things like "Well, my kid wouldn't be permitted to do that Autism or no Autism", or it can't be that bad...(and my children are High-Functioning, can't even imagine if they were full blown Autistic..my heart truly goes out to those families...)

Here is a random jumbling of things from my 'yesterday'...

I home school, and  all of my children have at least one symptom of Spectrum Disorder (some have way more than others), which makes an interesting time.  Levi, my only boy, whom I would 'catch a grenade for' (yeah, I just said that), is my full blown Aspie. 

Side note/more facts 1st...Asperger Syndrome =  22 Main Asperger's Symptoms, highlighted are some of the ones that really fit him to a 'T' :

Loneliness, manifested in at least two of the following 4 symptoms:
- Problems with the establishing close friendship;
- Avoids big noisy companies;
- Has no interest in acquiring friends;
- Often prefers to be alone
Impaired social interaction, manifested in at least one of the following 5 symptoms:
- Refers to others only with his own needs;
- Awkward social relationships;
- One-sided relationship with peers;
- Difficulty in recognizing the feelings of others;
- Detachment from the feelings of other people
Impaired non-verbal communication, manifested in at least one of the following 7 signs:
- Limited facial expressions;
- Not able to read emotions in facial expressions of others;
- Not able to transmit information through the eyes;
- Does not look at others;
- Does not use hands to express himself;
- Gestures are large and clumsy;
- Comes too close to others while speaking
Poor speech, appearing in at least two of the following 6 symptoms:
- Violations of intonation;
- Talks too much;
- Says too little;
- Inability to engage in conversation;
- Idiosyncratic use of words;
- Repetitive speech

Sometimes Aspies are super-intelligent/gifted and there are some crossover signs that apply to both. Levi fits this. Some of his quirkiness is from his being gifted some from his autism. Referred to as the 'grey area' because it's hard to define them...
Inordinate ANGER/Violent tempers are another sign autistic children may exhibit! Good times!

Anyways back to my day, being a home school Mom I have not only a day full of 'normal household' things to accomplish I also am 90% in charge of seeing that the munchkins get an education. So, these are the kind of things that happen on a regular basis in my home, these are from yesterday :

~Give Levi a list of items to accomplish for the day. Must be incredibly specific. Minute details or he won't 'get it' or he will do the very minimum required to get by so he can right back to 'interesting stuff' like designing ten thousand Lego's on Lego Digital Designer.  *Clean guest bathroom = insignificant vs *Lego Batman, Lego Lord of the Rings, Lego Duck Dynasty = INCREDIBLY important!!
~Three days this week Levi refused to sit down and do his math with me, refused you say..how can this be? Can't you just take away a privilege or spank him or _______ fill in the blank with what you think would work.  Nope, Levi is so stubborn that it has very little affect on him..any kind of consequence. He would rather go with out TV and Music and get his way than to do his math when he is not 'ready to do it'. I have other children and a husband, I can't just sit and 'force' him to do school. There aren't enough hours in the day.. And did I mention violence? Pure scary ot of proportion meltdowns and anger?...How do you tell the difference between blatant defiance and autism Kim? Isn't he just being a brat? MAYBE, but when someone gives me a chart that differentiates it all I'm all over it!! Otherwise it's a day by day, situation by situation, trying to seek wisdom kinda deal. And boy do I fail miserably at figuring it all out!
~Kaitlyn and Chas were going to make dinner yesterday.. Levi's 1st meltdown at the injustice of the world came when he was not allowed to go with them to the grocery store. (They were taking Bella this time). 2nd meltdown came when he realized that I got them to get him GF Pizza for dinner because what they were cooking was not GF & he probly would never eat it..In my mind I am being kind, to him he has just been grossly mistreated because HE HATES PIZZA and everyone else gets something good.  What? since when do you hate Pizza?...

*Another side note, Autistic children usually eat a very very limited diet. Here is the list of what Levi eats at this moment (subject to change on a dime as you see above) :
GF bread + apples + apple sauce + white rice (if it is from a Chinese restaurant ONLY) + GF pancakes + sometimes GF pasta +  NON GF bread-sticks when he is allowed + biscuits (from out, when he is allowed) + French fries + tater tots/hash-browns + pistachios + straw berries if that's all-we-have + soda if he can get his hands on it + smoothies with everything I can possibly hide in them about 5 times a week + potato chips + ANY sweets pretty much + CANDY (if he can get his hands on it)  As you can see, MOSTLY white stuff, carbs, junk.. IMAGINE planning your families meals around all these amazing choices :)

Back to last night..after realizing he wasn't getting white rice from out he flipped out. He picked up my re-bounder trampoline and threw it across my bedroom, he began to physically try and hurt me, all the while speaking rage and violence into my life.. "I hate you, I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna punch your belly (I'm pregnant), you're an idiot, you're not fair, you hate me, I'm gonna get a gun and shoot you, I hate Kaitlyn, I hate Chas (sorry Chas if  you're reading this, he doesn't really hate any of us..this is how Autism SCREAMS!)" (Sending my husband almost nightly texts begging for prayers is a normal part of my routine...Breaks my heart that I add that to Ray's already full plate...) So, I physically had to hold him for maybe fifteen minutes, while all 95 pounds of him wrestled to get away.. ( BTW I have had to hold down my kids about 50 times, sometimes for over 2 hours when they are in these fits of rage) I had to give him a quadruple dose of melatonin to get him to settle even a tiny bit..  Chas was very kindly offering to help me with him but I know that would have only enraged him further at the moment so I did what I do and bore the brunt of his rage until it passed...  (I am no martyr btw, nor trying to whine or complain..just trying to illuminate what a typical family with Autism may be walking out...)

He eventually settled and was content to eat some 'plain buttered pasta' and join us for our family movie.  When the movie froze I decided to go ahead and put the girls to bed so they wouldn't drive Kaitlyn and Chas nuts.  Levi however was in my room within 5 minutes letting me know his sister had abandoned him
 and he was broken hearted and scared to death. Another NEW thing for him is 'losing his big sissy'. They have always had a love/hate relationship in a way because they are so similar and him being autistic makes it very very hard to deal with many times. Sometimes she is the best thing for him, sometimes she just has to get away from him because they butt heads and he will-not-listen to her.  Again, an autistic child does NOT function like the average child.  Levi has MAJOR fear issues & he has major "I can only think about things from my needs perspective". His sister's new relationship is pretty much irrelevant to him. If it's not benefiting him he is unhappy. Now, let them take him out alone and spend quality time just doing what he enjoys--game on, super happy Chas is in your life kinda attitude. Kaitlyn's age makes her more like another parent at times and just as he gets very jealous of my time away from home, he gets very jealous of Kate's...
~We have JUST begun to try and implement bedtime routines that are quasi-normal again. After 15 moves in 2 years and 20 in 5or so he is a wee bit unsure of where he will wake up and  autistic children DO NOT require the same amount of sleep as the average kiddo.  I don't have the luxury of an 8-8 schedule where the kids are tucked neatly in bed and I am off to  a 'me time/free time wonderland' ESPECIALLY with my husband being gone over 1/2 the year at bedtimes. This means 5-7 nights in a row I am here trying to deal with frightened kids and autistic or spectrum ones at that. There is no quick bedtime routine... Sometimes I spend 4 hours, YES, 4 hours of my night attempting to get them all settled and asleep.. Many times I give up in sheer exhaustion...  So, bedtimes are a trial but I am determined to get them past the fears and into their own rooms sooner than later...
~So last night, at 11:30pm I finally had the girls to sleep and went to be with Levi on the couch (who had come into my room no less than 4 times to get me) and who had spoken evil words to his sister in the mean-time over her choice (which is a normal choice) to not stay downstairs with him. We attempted to have a serious talk about how it is NORMAL for his sister to be growing apart from us. That sooner than later she will probly' be gone for good.  DOES NOT COMPUTE, sorry he is NOT a fan, he is NOT getting it, he DOES NOT care, he will 'never leave' his family and just doesn't understand WHY his sister would kinda deal..  

AHHHHHHHHHHHH & ughhhhhh, breaks my heart that typical 'normal' family things are NOT the norm here. I wish sometimes for a 'normal' family'..where we all sat down together and ate one meal, where the smell of certain foods didn't send my son running to puke & hide out in my room with his food, where you assigned school and they just did it, where you tucked them in bed and read a story or two, prayed and walked out to spend several hours alone or with your husband or grown children, where HATE, anger, violence wasn't your 'NORMAL', where it wasn't a struggle to go to church each week, where it was easy to hang out with others 'just because' and know that your night wouldn't be interrupted because of a food choice, or someone saying the 'wrong thing', where you picked out an outfit and it didn't 'feel weird' or itch or squeeze 'my toes too much', where loud noises didn't send us into a full blown panic or meltdown.. (this is not just Levi, like I said he has full blown Autism but all my kiddos have sensory issues...) Where my week didn't consist of one or 15 meltdowns of my own, sometimes in front of kids, mostly when alone as I worry over them and regret my actions or lack there of, or hate that I can't get them 'well/healed'... They don't enjoy having these issues, Levi ALWAYS comes back after and is sad for what happened as is Bella.. They don't enjoy not being able to do 'all the normal things'...and it tears me apart inside sometimes..I struggle with being a good wife and mom because everyday is an unknown and I just want to live my life well and love God and my family and others well...  I could go on and on. But I will spare you that..   

(at this very moment as I am typing a fight erupts over the fact that Levi stopped a show before the theme song had finished playing. Isabella immediately went into one of her meltdowns. Picked up a guitar & wanted to slam it over his head. She is now in my bathroom screaming about how much I hate her and she hates me, she hates everyone, she is freaking out, now out and standing next to me balling up her fists and threatening me... All because 'the theme song didn't play through'---these are the quirky little things that literally send my kids into a fit of rage..can you imagine???..two minutes later, she is fine..wow, good times!)

ON the POSITIVE side:

Having a not so normal family has helped me to realize just how important it is to not take life for granted, to be incredibly grateful for the break troughs--"What, you WANT to sit with your sister and watch a show and NOT be alone?" HUGE!, to appreciate the powerful gifts God has put into these kiddos and how their relationship with God is tested and refined all the more because things 'don't just come easily' and EVERYTHING is a big deal.  Did you know when Kaitlyn was much younger she was hand picked by the Director at the Florida Ballet to be the "Up & coming dancer to watch out for."  Who would've known this painfully shy girl, who couldn't even stand socks to be on her toes because of the line, could now wear tights and kick butt at dance even tho she had just started taking dance lessons 2 years prior & would go on to get solos and dance in front of her city at the Florida Theater??? ... AND  then a few years later aiming for being a part of the company there one day she would choose to quit after agonizing over the fact that the morals (sin) of this Dance Studio did not match up with hers (Gods). She gave up a pretty huge thing because she wanted to live purely before God.  To me the victories like this are what make it all worth walking out such craziness with them when they are younger.  My prayer is for my Levi, who is a freakishly talented (from God) artist, that one day he will be able to move past his anger and uncertainties and fears and blow people's minds with his ability to capture things on paper...or computer... or whatever!  He is truly one of the sweetest most sensitive boys everrrrr and when those qualities shine I am in awe of him. I KNOW God can use him mightily... Same for each of my children.  The struggles are what have made me into who I am and I know if I had had the easy way out with 'compliant, super obedient, gentle most of the time kiddos' I would never have had to deal with a TON of junk that was stored up in my nasty angry heart.. They refine me as nothing else does and cause me to dig deeper and beg more of God than I ever would have if life was 'cake'. I do get truly depressed at times over this.. But as they reveal my own weaknesses to me and make me desperate for the HOPE of God and His strength when I would have long ago given up I know that I must go forward !! ... Unless you are the Momma of an autistic/spectrum family I do not expect you to even remotely grasp what our life is like behind closed doors and once in a while in the public eye...  I am jealous of you (with the sorta normal lives!!!) BUT I know that I am 'right here where I am supposed to be' because God saw fit to make me the wife and momma of this family. I am blessed beyond measure that my family puts up with me. I am blessed beyond measure that God has trusted me with a whole house of 'special power' children..they teach me and grow me in just-the-ways-I-need...  I may never really grasp or understand the 'why' of it all but I know that the struggles of today are nothing compared to what the reward will one day be....
  
(and as I end this post Levi is attempting to choke his sister (over an injustice) and she is now having to ignore him because he is going into another meltdown and she is attempting to control her own anger this time...all in a days work... and I grew up with 3 older brothers, I know about sibling rivalry but this is rivalry on acid!!! Scary junk goes down over here...oh and he had to have more GF bread and NO FRUIT because the fruit is not 'new enough' and he can NOT eat the apples I have because they have spots on them....oh, that's my boy!!! ) 

Thank You God for trusting me with these children...forgive me for all the times I fail them and my husband and You...let me help and encourage other Mommas to stay the course and know that they are JUST the right Momma for their blessings! Even when their blessing is trying to murder them ;)   YOLO!!!!

What is Life worth???..

What is the value of a life? What is it worth? Is even an unborn several week old baby important?.....

As I lay here in bed at my in-love's home waiting for the rest of this 'life' to drain away..vivid , yes, too graphic, sorry... I know deep in my heart that this little life has already truly been gone from my body for some time. Now I am just left with the physical reminders of what was and what will never be.

Here is where my mind had already gone with this child...I was already looking for new cloth diapers, already had an amazing 'diet' planned that would ensure this pregnancy would go smoothly and this child would not be toxic, or full of chemicals, or prone to autism. I had already pictured the sling I would buy, the amazing IKEA shopping trip to get everything one truly needs to outfit a baby area cheaply & gorgeously. I had already planned my homes-kool year around having a baby right after our winter break. I had pictured myself just getting over morning sickness when 2nd Mile Ministries Summer Camp began. I had hoped for a boy to give Levi a little buddy. These are dreams that will never be realized..not for this baby.

Going backwards....since moving out of our 'Sick-House' my cycles had been greatly messed up. It began with my first miscarriage last summer. (You can read about baby Greyson in my previous blog) I had never even had so much as really painful periods ...and now I had periods for weeks on end and they were violent! So, every so often in the midst of not knowing when my next cycle was due I would wonder if I had gotten pregnant. I probly' bought at least 20 dollars worth of the Dollar Store PG tests. All negative. And truth be told I would breathe a sigh of relief. I feel strongly, very strongly about adoption and rescuing children who do not have a say so about being here on planet earth and they NEED us. I already had been blessed with 4 amazing pregnancies and children...I am almost 40...I was content to have that door closed and begin the process of adding through adoption to our little tribe.

When several weeks ago it hit me that I could clearly remember feeling like my cycle should have been here by now....hmmmmmmm. I assumed the test would be negative as it had been all this last year. I was at Publix when I couldn't wait to get home to 'see'. So, I tucked into a stall and quickly took the test. It immediately 'answered' me--with a negative. Phew, I thought. I guess my body really is that screwed up now and I won't ever be pregnant again. I stood up and grabbed the test stick to toss and glanced down. Really? Really? It had gone to a big fat PLUS sign..oh my word..I was pregnant. I started shaking and literally felt faint.

My first thoughts were happy and that this would be exciting news for Ray who had told me several times recently how I was glowing and looked so beautiful (and I would assure him, somewhat angrily at times..please do not say that..I am NOT pregnant and never will be again most likely). He was over joyed at the news. We decided to tell Kaitlyn & a few select people who could be praying for us. We also purposefully decided NOT to share with family or friends who thought we were nuts already for having FOUR, can you believe it? FOUR  food eating, clothes destroying, college funds needing kids...what would we be thinking in our 40's no less, to STILL be trying to have kids? (sarcasm intended..though I do understand their misguided thinking ;)  Though I too thought it would be best at this time if the Lord decided my body was not well enough to carry more children and those baby's crying out for 'forever families' need us wayyyy more.. After processing being with child again, I humbly relented that I am still NOT God and I do not need to be hesitant if He decides to bless us with more of His creations! I was sorrowful for my misgivings about not welcoming more biological children and told the Lord that I was happy He would allow us another chance at life this way. I can not see the Big Picture as He can---I do not know why He chooses what He does and when, I just know that children are a blessing and not a curse. I know that He is truly the giver of life. If He chooses for us to have more biological children..at this age, with all the madness of our life right now, with our heart for adoption..then He must see something we do not and we must believe His ways are better than ours.

So, fast forward...I felt very pregnant for a while..automatically outgrew my clothes. Had a very discernible 'bump.' Craved tuna fish sandwiches from Subway. (I'm a vegetarian..and yes, fish have faces, they are alive..so this is not normal for me:)  The pregnancy was very real for us.

During the weeks leading up to this pregnancy I had been reading a book called  'Hospital by the River'. It is the compelling heartbreaking story but hope filled story of  Catherine Hamlin and her husband and the work they did in Ethiopia. They focused their lives work on helping women with fistula's. Please read their story, it is very eye opening.  These women have very little hope of carrying all or most of their children to term and delivering successfully. Many women labor for days or weeks (and their babies die inside them) and eventually they deliver but not before their bodies are severely damaged.This is a small excerpt from the foundations website:

http://www.fistulafoundation.org/

A fistula is simply a hole between an internal organ and the outside world that should not exist.  There are two primary causes of fistula in women in developing countries:  childbirth, causing obstetric fistula and sexual violence, causing traumatic fistula

Obstetric fistula the most devastating of all childbirth injuries

An obstetric fistula develops when blood supply to the tissues of the vagina and the bladder (and/or rectum) is cut off during prolonged obstructed labor. The tissues die and a hole forms through which urine and/or feces pass uncontrollably. Women who develop fistulas are often abandoned by their husbands, rejected by their communities, and forced to live an isolated existence.

Can you imagine? Something that most of us in America would take for granted is a horrifying, scary, life altering experience for so many. Why and how am I connecting this to my current loss.

Well, I believe God's timing is right on. He is never late and never early. I do not believe in coincidences. I knew in my heart of hearts as I felt this little life leave that it was yet again a HUGE reminder to me that we MUST be Pro-LIFE not just Pro-Birth! It is easy to say we are pro-life when what we really mean is we are pro-birth. We say life is valuable. We say abortion is murder. But what is it when 'we' sit and allow another woman's baby to die in the birthing process because she is wayyyyy over there and her life does not really touch mine. And beyond that, what are we when we sit and allow millions, MILLIONS of orphans to go without a forever family..to be tied to beds to live out their days like a worthless mutt..to be crowded into a room with ten or more of their 'best friends' because there aren't enough funds for one bed a piece, or young men and women released from the hell of an orphanage straight into the hands of the  human trafficking/sex-slave trade....what are we for again? Birth or Life? Even here in Florida where adoption is FREE we have hundreds and hundreds of kids without homes because well.......I forget why is that? But we are sure that life has value.... right?

I believe people do want life, I see it in my FB posts and in my emails... by all the prayers and well wishes offered up for me in this miscarriage or for our dear brother and sister Mike & Brooke  in the loss of their baby to an adoption gone horribly wrong. People are sad for us. They grieve with us. They want to help. They truly care. They are angry at the injustice. 'Not another miscarriage.' ...'Surely you can't have paid all that money for the adoption and come home empty handed'..it is a good anger...it is needed...we should be sad and broken at the loss of life no matter how it comes. We should be angry at this.... LIFE is good and we should welcome it. We should be sorrowful when it is taken or withheld....my arms ache to hold this baby. My children were devastated that yet again a brother or sister was just 'gone'. Why would God do this they want to know.... It is normal and natural to long for life! It is in our makeup! Some of us squelch it or pretend that life is better when we are 'free' from all the entanglements that  more life brings. But deep deep down, we were created for one another. We need each other. We need to care for something outside ourselves.  No, I don't wish all my kids were Kaitlyn's age and about to leave home so I could be 'free'. Children ARE our future and I welcome them....My freedom is found  in giving my life to others...not easy, not pain free..but worth it!!!

BUT back to the point...IF we are pro-LIFE what are we doing about it? Don't just be sad for me as I have another baby now with my Abba Father. Be sad at ALL the baby's still here who need arms to hold them! Be sad for girls who are raped ten, fifteen, a hundred times a night in human trafficking, be sad for the unborn child who could not make it out of his mother's womb for lack of education and proper medical care. Get angry at the injustice of all LIFE that is needlessly lost or wasted. I trust my Father's heart and know that my baby is better off in Heaven, I know we live in a dying decaying world with broken bodies. I may never carry another child to term. I grieve that today BUT it spurs me on to MORE. This child and Greyson were not here and then gone in vain. They are very real, very painful, very serious reminders to me of all the lives that still await my love and care and compassion.....

Many people say  'people would help if they were just made aware of the problem'..ummmmmm , I'm not so sure about that. I'm a pretty selfish creature. I know there are many many days I pick me over anything else. What does it truly look like to lay down my own life for the sake of others. Where does that 'Mother Theresa' quality come from? What does it take to make us broken enough to actually do something for the 'poor and helpless, fatherless and widow'? Not a token something that doesn't really cost us..but a real tanginble something that is beyond us to follow through with in our own strength? What would it take to wake up the church, true followers of Christ, that would cause us to take up these causes in the ways our forefathers and mothers once did? We used to be the people who were known to stay behind during the plagues to care for others..or it would be known that you could abandon your baby on my doorstep and know that I would care for them....Don't we want to be that kind of people?      I do....but will I allow this death to push me towards this kind of life..giving up, sacrificing, trusting in only the Spirit and not ourselves to live this way????

Ray and I have been talking a lot these last few days. Our life, it is not the same as it was a few years ago, we have walked a crazy path and it is just now bringing us full circle to where we started. We KNOW we are called to serve our Abba and live in a way that is counter-cultural.... We KNOW that we must put our actions behind our words. We KNOW that on our own with out the Spirit of the living God enabling we will fail miserably! We have opened our hearts and lives to give free reign to whatever God wants to do....from where we will live, to how we will spend His money, to where we will gather with other believers, to how many kids He desires for us, to how many precious children we can rescue and give a forever home too....these choices are all now in His hands. (Btw these are not our ideas, they are just convictions we feel from His word, we are not seeking to illuminate our life and make it an open book for our sake BUT for His name and His reknowm. :) HE alone is worthy!

"I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. Don't get me wrong: God has already done so much in my life, and I am grateful for it. I'm just convinced there is more. There's more of the Spirit and there is more of God than any of us is experiencing. I want to go there---not just intellectually, but in life, with everything that I am."  (Farncis Chan-Forgotten God) BAM! Hit me right in the gut. THIS IS WHERE I AM LORD!!!! I want more of him and more of this life!!! I want my children here and the ones now in Heaven to be proud of me and their Dad, to know that we burned up our one shot SHOUTING with our lives-----we are PRO-LIFE not just Pro-birth! ALL life is valuable and has worth..every homeless person, every widow, every orphan, every poor, every hopeless, every prisoner..every person in bondage or captivity -whether it be in their mind or physically is valuable and worthy of my time, effort, resources, prayers--my very life!!!!! WE are to share the great news that our God saves, He reigns, He is, He always will be, He will set you free and He loves you and has a plan for you. And my life should convey that not just in words but in deeds. Spirit---enable us!!!!!

I am surrounded by love right now..I am so grateful. I have a daughter who is being extremely sacrificial, she is working out her own salvation for sure while caring for me and my children during this time. For my husband who has chosen to take time off of work to be with me while I journey down this unwanted path yet again. To have people drop their own plans in a heartbeat to do for us. (Both my father and father in love driving Ray back and forth from Jville to be here) For my in-loves for opening their home to us..I KNOW a housefull of children can be overwhelming..they are being so merciful. For everyone loving on us from afar....I feel it. Thank you.... Many times if given a choice we would surely not choose what has happened to us. But if we put our HOPE in a something and somewhere and somehow and SOMEONE bigger than us, even our shattered dreams are made beautiful in time.

My newest babe is named Sam. (Taken from this website after hours of searching...http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/137087/jewish/Samech-To-Support-and-Heal.htm) It's basic meaning is Support, but when you read this page holy moly at the deeper meaning. I wanted a name for this child I will never hold to be representative of the fact that God alone is our strength, our Healer, our support..He alone will hold us up through the death of another baby. And this baby, if you read about the name, will be a constant reminder that we (through God) have an infinite light and power that can change this dark world.

If you need or desire some ideas of how to change your world...here's a short list to check out:

http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/programs/adoption/

http://reecesrainbow.org/

http://www.gfa.org/

http://www.thea21campaign.org

http://www.compassion.com/

http://www.fistulafoundation.org/

Anyways, if you've stuck with my ramblings this long. God bless you ;) and thank you. Never knew how cathartic typing it all out was! I will end with words stolen from a dear lil momma's blog who is about to welcome LIFE..thanks Mrs. Warner!

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue,The shade of You 

Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between inside of me..

Oh let it be morning...

Here we go again..literally!

So..as of last night we have decided to take yet another 'break' from this lovely town-home. Here is the sorta kinda why in the world we are doing this AGAIN story....

For those who don't know, don't understand, and prayerfully haven't experienced it yet...your home can kill ya! And if it doesn't kill you, at the very least it can make you miserable. (See prior posts for more info on what has happened to us) We know that something in this home was/might still be/may always be making us sick. We moved out last fall with just the clothes on our backs. By the time we walked away Levi was coughing and puking nightly. We all coughed until we fell asleep exhausted. Joint pains. Miscarriages. Rashes..and so on.  THIS is WHAT your HOME can do to you...fun stuff! Do a quick google search on Sick House Syndrome, Sick Building Syndrome, Mold Toxicity, Formaldehyde Poisoning and so on...creepy, crazy, scary stuff!

At the beginning of this year we moved home..after LOTS of work/remediation/discarding items etc etc. We had high hopes that this was the right thing to do... again, more on that in my older post. And so...we began to get sick again. We were advised to shut down the A/C system. Not such a big deal a few weeks ago, now we are sitting here with the thermostat hovering around 84-87 and high humidity. Grrrrrrr, I am not fan of sweating all the time, even if I am not actually even doing anything other than breathing. (said in my best Junie B Jones voice) And not sure if there is a link or not but the hotter it gets the worse my kiddos sleep. I am also not a fan of sleep deprivation ;)

So now the Insurance company is back involved, we've had several more inspections in the last two weeks and just recently been advised to move out until the situation is resolved. Sounds simple, but in theory IF we are now hyper sensitive to Mold and many chemicals... 'just moving out' isn't so easy. We will have to stay somewhere that does not have water issues or chemical issues and so on.... Right now I get sick in the shampoo aisle or in stores with lots of fluorescent lights and so on. And financially it's not so easy. (Insurance and builder refuse to help until it is proven that they are at fault) We are a one income family, still digging our way out of a failed ministry (coffee shop) from almost 5 years ago, and trying to walk out our faith by allowing Him to control His money. (He being God) ...So, just up and leaving is a huge decision..we've wrestled with it for a while and only after the Lord connected us with our newest friends (Mold Warriors :) have we really felt good about yet again walking away. We have enough money (which was earmarked for other items, sorry about that) to last about two weeks out of the house (and that is even with help from my mom). We feel strongly about the things that money was supposed to pay for BUT we feel even stronger that if staying here is adding more of a toxic load to our kids' bodies...no amount of budgeting/money is worth that.

I feel like a lot of the drama with this home has been a true test of WHERE our hearts are. It's really made us question a lot. We are seeing how easily it is to be attached to your stuff and not the 'stuff maker' :) It is easy to get caught back up in the drama of the sick house and forget the lil wee ones who are sitting in front of you while you have YET another discussion on what to do, or have to make just one more phone call about 'it' while they wait...Grrrrrrr! How easily distracted we are from the "Real Thing". So...in a way this new advice to leave is a blessing in disguise. We will be forced for the next two weeks to just leave this house and it's drama behind!

I am going to finish packing in the morning. Shove as many beach toys and art supplies as I can into the van. Go load up on bulk fruits n veggies at Sam's. Come grab my sleepy husband (it's his first day off tomorrow and he is on the night shift). Swing by Middleburg to grab my mom. And head outa town...


As I sit here and type and my home is finally cooling off..thank you fans and night time and God..I am reminded again how fortunate I am. There are many today, maybe in Japan.. in other places...that can not escape the Toxic world they are in or find comfort from the heat. Even on my worst day as a Mold Victim I am truly not so bad off am I? Though I have had many meltdowns this week as my kid's health and behavior continues to decline and I am overwhelmed with their care, I am still blessed to have so many tools (books, family & friends, Internet, inspectors..) at my fingertips. And I have a God who loves and adores my family. He KNOWS the way we should take and as He refines us we will hopefully shine like gold for Him. And in the shattered dreams we live out we will hopefully long more and more for a HOME that does not hurt us. Wheww. Amen and Amen. One day I will look at this and see clearly why we had to walk it out..until then I trust that my Hope Giver has a plan. And nothing, no amount of mold or formaldehyde or sickness can stop us from spreading His hope to the least of these....

These lyrics spoke to my heart this week:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty

hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Thank you Jesus!!! Would covet your prayers for clarity...we need to know what we are to do when these two weeks are up....super grateful that you would remember us to the Father....because of mercy-----me.