~Special Delivery~ aka Where are we now??????

“Sometimes we need to know we’ve been delivered TO someone not just FROM something” So, I am sitting trying to think best how to give an update. (Thanks for asking by the way, don’t we all want to know someone is out there thinking of us, caring how our life is going..) So, my quote up top here is what is really resonating with me right now. We as a family have not yet been delivered from the Toxic nightmare (read earlier posts for the full story of what that means) BUT I know that one way or another ultimately we will be…whether here or Heaven..so I’m not here to give some wonderful update about our great health, a huge lawsuit win, or a great new safe home to move into.  But to know, as the quote says, that my focus can be on the Someone who delivers, rescues, redeems, has helped me to regain my perspective. I am a follower of Christ, I believe in the One True God and I have Hope because He is my Hope-giver!  HE, God, is what gives my life it’s purpose and He is what I have been delivered TO from oh so many things in the past. Often He tells us to ‘remember’, to rehearse in our mind, to recall the things He has done, to purposefully tell the ‘lies’ the Truth.

Many many many times, way more than I care to admit, I am forgetful. I don’t remember and I focus on what is in that moment stealing all my attention. Right now it is STILL the Toxic nightmare. This ‘season’ that is apparently not going to go away is constantly in the forefront of my mind. It sucks away wayyy to much of my day and it threatens to do me in…. I forget what all He has delivered me from and how much better my life is when my focus is on Him and things of eternal value.

So, before I give a quick update let me say this...mostly we are, as a family, trying to really navigate WHY we are here (on planet earth). What our purpose is, how we can best live that out & how we can move forward in a way that keeps our focus NOT on our circumstances or what we’ve been delivered from or need to be delivered from BUT on the Maker and what He considers important, valuable, needed…. Focusing on the Lover of my Soul & how I can grow in my relationship with Him & lead (with Ray) ,my family in loving Him with EVERYTHING!

 We have reached a decision that is incredibly terrifying to me as a mom but it is really the only choice we appear to have at this time. We are choosing to move home. We have been in the midst of more tests, more moves, more issues these last months and now the time has come to just call it quits….there is no more money to pour into a lawsuit that is ‘promised to take up to two more years just to really get started. It is promised to cost us more than the house is even worth to fight Ryland, it has now been promised that it will take thousands upon thousands to make the home ‘safe’ according to industry standards, for our particular family...and all that money could be spent in vain because there can be no guarantee that our ‘hypersensitive’ family won’t still get sick there.

We feel that at this time our best choice is just trust a family friend to come in and help us do a few ‘healthy’ upgrades to our A/C system and yet again just put the fate of our family back in this Ryland home (which is ultimately JUST trusting God no matter what....) Here is partly why…we are getting sick everywhere we move now. We are obviously not going to have an easy time of it anywhere at this point. As I sit here typing, I literally have a nose that is leaking like a faucet, a migraine headache, I am tired & I have the itching/scaling rash on my eyes. Many of my family’s symptoms have returned since living out of the town-home. Getting much worse since this last move from upstairs to downstairs. (I scraped an inch or more of sludge out of my A/C closet when we first moved in here...gross…an average family could probably live here and be fine..not the ‘freak show’ Reeves though!) And we are just tanked financially, Ray is working off duty jobs just to pay the bills & sometimes that is just a juggling act of who may not get paid ..yet..we are still committed to paying every bill that has resulted from this nightmare. We just can’t go into any more debt or sink another dime into trying to solve the overall problem from 'out here'..we need to be home and slowly making changes to the home as money allows.

I wake up many days and compare my crazy life to those who are in true poverty not just physical sickness/financial  bondage. I think of the statistic that every six seconds a child will die of preventable/treatable things. Those mommas would LOVE a way out, right this minute…many will not see an answer though. There is nothing that makes my family a special case. We do not deserve being rescued any more than millions of others today. Many more families than you know live in Toxic homes or have run from them and there is no ‘safe’ house waiting for them. Many have paid thousands upon thousands with no lawsuit win waiting on them to recoup all the debt. Many people today are homeless and/or jobless..there will be no rescue for them by days end either.

 I do not like the state of our dying, decaying, sick world...I do not like having a body that is becoming ever sensitive to everyday things that will always be around me. I don’t like, in fact I hate to think that my son will get sicker than he already is when we move back home… I also don’t like to think of kids with cancer, people starving, children with worms in their bellies and worms in their feet, millions being sold into slavery, kids being tied to beds and left to die because  they have ‘aged out’ of the adoption system usually because they have Downs or some other medical need that makes them 'unwanted' & even though my people (Christ-followers) profess pro-life,we are mostly pro-our life and sorta pro-birth (after the baby is here we don't really do anything to help or rescue them, right? Big finger pointing at myself first) …….there are many many MANY MANYthings I do not like…but I can’t blink and make it all ‘ok’ or GO AWAY.  There is not always a magic answer or maybe there is and we just aren't willing to see it or make it happen....I don't know.....

For us, like I said in the beginning it is more now about finding our family’s heartbeat…what spurs us on each day…we can’t keep focusing on this toxic nightmare, we can’t keep living in the ‘tempoary’..we need some kind of strong footing again, we need a purpose, a plan…we need to pour our lives into things that matter, forever things….we need to put our focus back on the Someone who we were many many times before delivered TO, He is what gives us our meaning…. I am thinking right now of the verse ‘What does the Lord require?’.. And He tells me in His word that He wants us to Walk HUMBLY, to Love MERCY & Seek JUSTICE…& I am thinking of what I learned this past week in my Mercy Triumphs Bible Study..'A person can live with pain a whole lot easier than they can live with purposelessness'....

When I think of that verse & saying.. I immediately think that if we can’t escape the decay, the dying, the people in need of rescue ALL around us..I think that we have more than enough to do to be the hands n feet of our God and that part of the ‘why’ in us going through so many battles is to SEE what it is like to wish desperately for a deliverance and wonder when one may come..

In our twenty plus years together Ray and I have walked out some pretty crazy times, we have ourselves been desperate many times. I want to be on the end of providing now. I am NOT saying we are going to be well all of a sudden and not have house issues. I am not saying my Aspie kids won’t have wayyyy more needs than I feel qualified to handle, I am not saying eating our way out of ALL this debt won’t be overwhelming. I am just saying we are in between a rock and hard place. We feel there is no other choice but to ‘go home’ AND at the same time I am saying the home will NO LONGER be our everyday all-consuming subject…

There are needs all around us, true needs, marriages falling apart, orphans needing care, kids needing to learn to read or paint or dance, hungry mouths needing to be fed….and on goes the list….WE (the Body of Christ) are supposed to be the one’s living out His redemptive story and helping Him BE the rescue plan for the world. IF that is our focus and we are pouring our lives into others then I believe we will find healing, maybe not the physical kind, maybe we will face way more sorrows as we move home, BUT I want my kids to know that we are living for Something and Someone that is much more important and worthy than what this temporary life is calling us to believe….

Sick houses, toxic houses, they are real…and many are suffering…we will more than likely now live out our lives with insane reactions and illnesses to ‘stuff’( I alone have MCS and just going to the grocery store or my friend's homes with candles burning makes me incredibly sick sometimes). Some of those reactions could be deadly. I can’t pretend to know what will happen as we move back home in a few weeks . I can’t pretend it does not freak me out..big time. I can just walk it out one day at a time…begging God for His kinda peace....one that can’t be explained….

So, that’s kinda it…no real answers..or true smoking gun to say exactly how all the mold spores got where they got (lotsa theories, lotsa possibilities but no 100% guarantee that would get us an easy win)…no BIG great ending to this story...no ‘happily ever after’ has come our way..no million dollar lawsuit and “boy did we showed Ryland” to report…

More questions than we have answers at this point, more fears for my kids as we move home ‘again’, more money spent on a home that may still make us very sick….

Sorry if this is kinda all over the place..I just wanted to get something out there in writing to everyone that’s been asking…

I know what we can use though..PRAYERS and loads of it…we are truly seeking HIS will above ALL, we are open to HIS plans and His purposes…we do not wanna make any mistakes and go even half a degree off His path….we covet your prayers..we want our lives to count & be an offering to Him for all He has done, to point others to the Hope that can only be found in Him…all of this will one day be gone, we want to store up our treasure in Heaven…we want to be found faithful as spouses to one another, as parents to these kids and hopefully more and  to be faithful to ‘whatever’ He asks us to do…..loving HIS redemption story in our life and ready for the next chapter..to Him alone be the glory!!!!

What is Life worth???..

What is the value of a life? What is it worth? Is even an unborn several week old baby important?.....

As I lay here in bed at my in-love's home waiting for the rest of this 'life' to drain away..vivid , yes, too graphic, sorry... I know deep in my heart that this little life has already truly been gone from my body for some time. Now I am just left with the physical reminders of what was and what will never be.

Here is where my mind had already gone with this child...I was already looking for new cloth diapers, already had an amazing 'diet' planned that would ensure this pregnancy would go smoothly and this child would not be toxic, or full of chemicals, or prone to autism. I had already pictured the sling I would buy, the amazing IKEA shopping trip to get everything one truly needs to outfit a baby area cheaply & gorgeously. I had already planned my homes-kool year around having a baby right after our winter break. I had pictured myself just getting over morning sickness when 2nd Mile Ministries Summer Camp began. I had hoped for a boy to give Levi a little buddy. These are dreams that will never be realized..not for this baby.

Going backwards....since moving out of our 'Sick-House' my cycles had been greatly messed up. It began with my first miscarriage last summer. (You can read about baby Greyson in my previous blog) I had never even had so much as really painful periods ...and now I had periods for weeks on end and they were violent! So, every so often in the midst of not knowing when my next cycle was due I would wonder if I had gotten pregnant. I probly' bought at least 20 dollars worth of the Dollar Store PG tests. All negative. And truth be told I would breathe a sigh of relief. I feel strongly, very strongly about adoption and rescuing children who do not have a say so about being here on planet earth and they NEED us. I already had been blessed with 4 amazing pregnancies and children...I am almost 40...I was content to have that door closed and begin the process of adding through adoption to our little tribe.

When several weeks ago it hit me that I could clearly remember feeling like my cycle should have been here by now....hmmmmmmm. I assumed the test would be negative as it had been all this last year. I was at Publix when I couldn't wait to get home to 'see'. So, I tucked into a stall and quickly took the test. It immediately 'answered' me--with a negative. Phew, I thought. I guess my body really is that screwed up now and I won't ever be pregnant again. I stood up and grabbed the test stick to toss and glanced down. Really? Really? It had gone to a big fat PLUS sign..oh my word..I was pregnant. I started shaking and literally felt faint.

My first thoughts were happy and that this would be exciting news for Ray who had told me several times recently how I was glowing and looked so beautiful (and I would assure him, somewhat angrily at times..please do not say that..I am NOT pregnant and never will be again most likely). He was over joyed at the news. We decided to tell Kaitlyn & a few select people who could be praying for us. We also purposefully decided NOT to share with family or friends who thought we were nuts already for having FOUR, can you believe it? FOUR  food eating, clothes destroying, college funds needing kids...what would we be thinking in our 40's no less, to STILL be trying to have kids? (sarcasm intended..though I do understand their misguided thinking ;)  Though I too thought it would be best at this time if the Lord decided my body was not well enough to carry more children and those baby's crying out for 'forever families' need us wayyyy more.. After processing being with child again, I humbly relented that I am still NOT God and I do not need to be hesitant if He decides to bless us with more of His creations! I was sorrowful for my misgivings about not welcoming more biological children and told the Lord that I was happy He would allow us another chance at life this way. I can not see the Big Picture as He can---I do not know why He chooses what He does and when, I just know that children are a blessing and not a curse. I know that He is truly the giver of life. If He chooses for us to have more biological children..at this age, with all the madness of our life right now, with our heart for adoption..then He must see something we do not and we must believe His ways are better than ours.

So, fast forward...I felt very pregnant for a while..automatically outgrew my clothes. Had a very discernible 'bump.' Craved tuna fish sandwiches from Subway. (I'm a vegetarian..and yes, fish have faces, they are alive..so this is not normal for me:)  The pregnancy was very real for us.

During the weeks leading up to this pregnancy I had been reading a book called  'Hospital by the River'. It is the compelling heartbreaking story but hope filled story of  Catherine Hamlin and her husband and the work they did in Ethiopia. They focused their lives work on helping women with fistula's. Please read their story, it is very eye opening.  These women have very little hope of carrying all or most of their children to term and delivering successfully. Many women labor for days or weeks (and their babies die inside them) and eventually they deliver but not before their bodies are severely damaged.This is a small excerpt from the foundations website:

http://www.fistulafoundation.org/

A fistula is simply a hole between an internal organ and the outside world that should not exist.  There are two primary causes of fistula in women in developing countries:  childbirth, causing obstetric fistula and sexual violence, causing traumatic fistula

Obstetric fistula the most devastating of all childbirth injuries

An obstetric fistula develops when blood supply to the tissues of the vagina and the bladder (and/or rectum) is cut off during prolonged obstructed labor. The tissues die and a hole forms through which urine and/or feces pass uncontrollably. Women who develop fistulas are often abandoned by their husbands, rejected by their communities, and forced to live an isolated existence.

Can you imagine? Something that most of us in America would take for granted is a horrifying, scary, life altering experience for so many. Why and how am I connecting this to my current loss.

Well, I believe God's timing is right on. He is never late and never early. I do not believe in coincidences. I knew in my heart of hearts as I felt this little life leave that it was yet again a HUGE reminder to me that we MUST be Pro-LIFE not just Pro-Birth! It is easy to say we are pro-life when what we really mean is we are pro-birth. We say life is valuable. We say abortion is murder. But what is it when 'we' sit and allow another woman's baby to die in the birthing process because she is wayyyyy over there and her life does not really touch mine. And beyond that, what are we when we sit and allow millions, MILLIONS of orphans to go without a forever family..to be tied to beds to live out their days like a worthless mutt..to be crowded into a room with ten or more of their 'best friends' because there aren't enough funds for one bed a piece, or young men and women released from the hell of an orphanage straight into the hands of the  human trafficking/sex-slave trade....what are we for again? Birth or Life? Even here in Florida where adoption is FREE we have hundreds and hundreds of kids without homes because well.......I forget why is that? But we are sure that life has value.... right?

I believe people do want life, I see it in my FB posts and in my emails... by all the prayers and well wishes offered up for me in this miscarriage or for our dear brother and sister Mike & Brooke  in the loss of their baby to an adoption gone horribly wrong. People are sad for us. They grieve with us. They want to help. They truly care. They are angry at the injustice. 'Not another miscarriage.' ...'Surely you can't have paid all that money for the adoption and come home empty handed'..it is a good anger...it is needed...we should be sad and broken at the loss of life no matter how it comes. We should be angry at this.... LIFE is good and we should welcome it. We should be sorrowful when it is taken or withheld....my arms ache to hold this baby. My children were devastated that yet again a brother or sister was just 'gone'. Why would God do this they want to know.... It is normal and natural to long for life! It is in our makeup! Some of us squelch it or pretend that life is better when we are 'free' from all the entanglements that  more life brings. But deep deep down, we were created for one another. We need each other. We need to care for something outside ourselves.  No, I don't wish all my kids were Kaitlyn's age and about to leave home so I could be 'free'. Children ARE our future and I welcome them....My freedom is found  in giving my life to others...not easy, not pain free..but worth it!!!

BUT back to the point...IF we are pro-LIFE what are we doing about it? Don't just be sad for me as I have another baby now with my Abba Father. Be sad at ALL the baby's still here who need arms to hold them! Be sad for girls who are raped ten, fifteen, a hundred times a night in human trafficking, be sad for the unborn child who could not make it out of his mother's womb for lack of education and proper medical care. Get angry at the injustice of all LIFE that is needlessly lost or wasted. I trust my Father's heart and know that my baby is better off in Heaven, I know we live in a dying decaying world with broken bodies. I may never carry another child to term. I grieve that today BUT it spurs me on to MORE. This child and Greyson were not here and then gone in vain. They are very real, very painful, very serious reminders to me of all the lives that still await my love and care and compassion.....

Many people say  'people would help if they were just made aware of the problem'..ummmmmm , I'm not so sure about that. I'm a pretty selfish creature. I know there are many many days I pick me over anything else. What does it truly look like to lay down my own life for the sake of others. Where does that 'Mother Theresa' quality come from? What does it take to make us broken enough to actually do something for the 'poor and helpless, fatherless and widow'? Not a token something that doesn't really cost us..but a real tanginble something that is beyond us to follow through with in our own strength? What would it take to wake up the church, true followers of Christ, that would cause us to take up these causes in the ways our forefathers and mothers once did? We used to be the people who were known to stay behind during the plagues to care for others..or it would be known that you could abandon your baby on my doorstep and know that I would care for them....Don't we want to be that kind of people?      I do....but will I allow this death to push me towards this kind of life..giving up, sacrificing, trusting in only the Spirit and not ourselves to live this way????

Ray and I have been talking a lot these last few days. Our life, it is not the same as it was a few years ago, we have walked a crazy path and it is just now bringing us full circle to where we started. We KNOW we are called to serve our Abba and live in a way that is counter-cultural.... We KNOW that we must put our actions behind our words. We KNOW that on our own with out the Spirit of the living God enabling we will fail miserably! We have opened our hearts and lives to give free reign to whatever God wants to do....from where we will live, to how we will spend His money, to where we will gather with other believers, to how many kids He desires for us, to how many precious children we can rescue and give a forever home too....these choices are all now in His hands. (Btw these are not our ideas, they are just convictions we feel from His word, we are not seeking to illuminate our life and make it an open book for our sake BUT for His name and His reknowm. :) HE alone is worthy!

"I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. Don't get me wrong: God has already done so much in my life, and I am grateful for it. I'm just convinced there is more. There's more of the Spirit and there is more of God than any of us is experiencing. I want to go there---not just intellectually, but in life, with everything that I am."  (Farncis Chan-Forgotten God) BAM! Hit me right in the gut. THIS IS WHERE I AM LORD!!!! I want more of him and more of this life!!! I want my children here and the ones now in Heaven to be proud of me and their Dad, to know that we burned up our one shot SHOUTING with our lives-----we are PRO-LIFE not just Pro-birth! ALL life is valuable and has worth..every homeless person, every widow, every orphan, every poor, every hopeless, every prisoner..every person in bondage or captivity -whether it be in their mind or physically is valuable and worthy of my time, effort, resources, prayers--my very life!!!!! WE are to share the great news that our God saves, He reigns, He is, He always will be, He will set you free and He loves you and has a plan for you. And my life should convey that not just in words but in deeds. Spirit---enable us!!!!!

I am surrounded by love right now..I am so grateful. I have a daughter who is being extremely sacrificial, she is working out her own salvation for sure while caring for me and my children during this time. For my husband who has chosen to take time off of work to be with me while I journey down this unwanted path yet again. To have people drop their own plans in a heartbeat to do for us. (Both my father and father in love driving Ray back and forth from Jville to be here) For my in-loves for opening their home to us..I KNOW a housefull of children can be overwhelming..they are being so merciful. For everyone loving on us from afar....I feel it. Thank you.... Many times if given a choice we would surely not choose what has happened to us. But if we put our HOPE in a something and somewhere and somehow and SOMEONE bigger than us, even our shattered dreams are made beautiful in time.

My newest babe is named Sam. (Taken from this website after hours of searching...http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/137087/jewish/Samech-To-Support-and-Heal.htm) It's basic meaning is Support, but when you read this page holy moly at the deeper meaning. I wanted a name for this child I will never hold to be representative of the fact that God alone is our strength, our Healer, our support..He alone will hold us up through the death of another baby. And this baby, if you read about the name, will be a constant reminder that we (through God) have an infinite light and power that can change this dark world.

If you need or desire some ideas of how to change your world...here's a short list to check out:

http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/programs/adoption/

http://reecesrainbow.org/

http://www.gfa.org/

http://www.thea21campaign.org

http://www.compassion.com/

http://www.fistulafoundation.org/

Anyways, if you've stuck with my ramblings this long. God bless you ;) and thank you. Never knew how cathartic typing it all out was! I will end with words stolen from a dear lil momma's blog who is about to welcome LIFE..thanks Mrs. Warner!

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue,The shade of You 

Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between inside of me..

Oh let it be morning...

Here we go again..literally!

So..as of last night we have decided to take yet another 'break' from this lovely town-home. Here is the sorta kinda why in the world we are doing this AGAIN story....

For those who don't know, don't understand, and prayerfully haven't experienced it yet...your home can kill ya! And if it doesn't kill you, at the very least it can make you miserable. (See prior posts for more info on what has happened to us) We know that something in this home was/might still be/may always be making us sick. We moved out last fall with just the clothes on our backs. By the time we walked away Levi was coughing and puking nightly. We all coughed until we fell asleep exhausted. Joint pains. Miscarriages. Rashes..and so on.  THIS is WHAT your HOME can do to you...fun stuff! Do a quick google search on Sick House Syndrome, Sick Building Syndrome, Mold Toxicity, Formaldehyde Poisoning and so on...creepy, crazy, scary stuff!

At the beginning of this year we moved home..after LOTS of work/remediation/discarding items etc etc. We had high hopes that this was the right thing to do... again, more on that in my older post. And so...we began to get sick again. We were advised to shut down the A/C system. Not such a big deal a few weeks ago, now we are sitting here with the thermostat hovering around 84-87 and high humidity. Grrrrrrr, I am not fan of sweating all the time, even if I am not actually even doing anything other than breathing. (said in my best Junie B Jones voice) And not sure if there is a link or not but the hotter it gets the worse my kiddos sleep. I am also not a fan of sleep deprivation ;)

So now the Insurance company is back involved, we've had several more inspections in the last two weeks and just recently been advised to move out until the situation is resolved. Sounds simple, but in theory IF we are now hyper sensitive to Mold and many chemicals... 'just moving out' isn't so easy. We will have to stay somewhere that does not have water issues or chemical issues and so on.... Right now I get sick in the shampoo aisle or in stores with lots of fluorescent lights and so on. And financially it's not so easy. (Insurance and builder refuse to help until it is proven that they are at fault) We are a one income family, still digging our way out of a failed ministry (coffee shop) from almost 5 years ago, and trying to walk out our faith by allowing Him to control His money. (He being God) ...So, just up and leaving is a huge decision..we've wrestled with it for a while and only after the Lord connected us with our newest friends (Mold Warriors :) have we really felt good about yet again walking away. We have enough money (which was earmarked for other items, sorry about that) to last about two weeks out of the house (and that is even with help from my mom). We feel strongly about the things that money was supposed to pay for BUT we feel even stronger that if staying here is adding more of a toxic load to our kids' bodies...no amount of budgeting/money is worth that.

I feel like a lot of the drama with this home has been a true test of WHERE our hearts are. It's really made us question a lot. We are seeing how easily it is to be attached to your stuff and not the 'stuff maker' :) It is easy to get caught back up in the drama of the sick house and forget the lil wee ones who are sitting in front of you while you have YET another discussion on what to do, or have to make just one more phone call about 'it' while they wait...Grrrrrrr! How easily distracted we are from the "Real Thing". So...in a way this new advice to leave is a blessing in disguise. We will be forced for the next two weeks to just leave this house and it's drama behind!

I am going to finish packing in the morning. Shove as many beach toys and art supplies as I can into the van. Go load up on bulk fruits n veggies at Sam's. Come grab my sleepy husband (it's his first day off tomorrow and he is on the night shift). Swing by Middleburg to grab my mom. And head outa town...


As I sit here and type and my home is finally cooling off..thank you fans and night time and God..I am reminded again how fortunate I am. There are many today, maybe in Japan.. in other places...that can not escape the Toxic world they are in or find comfort from the heat. Even on my worst day as a Mold Victim I am truly not so bad off am I? Though I have had many meltdowns this week as my kid's health and behavior continues to decline and I am overwhelmed with their care, I am still blessed to have so many tools (books, family & friends, Internet, inspectors..) at my fingertips. And I have a God who loves and adores my family. He KNOWS the way we should take and as He refines us we will hopefully shine like gold for Him. And in the shattered dreams we live out we will hopefully long more and more for a HOME that does not hurt us. Wheww. Amen and Amen. One day I will look at this and see clearly why we had to walk it out..until then I trust that my Hope Giver has a plan. And nothing, no amount of mold or formaldehyde or sickness can stop us from spreading His hope to the least of these....

These lyrics spoke to my heart this week:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty

hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Thank you Jesus!!! Would covet your prayers for clarity...we need to know what we are to do when these two weeks are up....super grateful that you would remember us to the Father....because of mercy-----me.

Monster Trucks, FUN & Sensory Overload!!!!

I am a mom. I have high hopes, dreams, goals for my kids just like many other moms. And  I want them to be Freaks, yeah Freaks...freaks for Jesus! (insert  D.C.Talks 'Jesus Freak' song circa 1990-ish here) I want them to be extreme. I want them to be different. Well, sometimes we get what we ask for....but in ways that are radically different than what we pictured!

So, last night I had the privilege of hanging out at one of the Biggest events in J-ville, aka Action-ville. Who knew there were over 70 thousand folk who would pay to go watch glorified ginormous tractor things with car or truck shells race each other and jump/bounce/crash all over a dirt field? This was crazy to me..BUT after having attended this amazing production of craziness I am HOOKED! Wow, did the Middleburg in me ever find it's way to the surface! I am, at the ripe old age of almost 40, proud of my Redneck/Hillbilly/Country heritage..well, the parts that don't include in-breeding, eating animals that should be road-kill, and super-sweet mullets. (Remember I am making fun of myself here:)

Anyways, I was certain that every driver would climb down out of his (or her, yes females have of course crossed over into this land because as one rider put it 'they aren't in the kitchen where they belong'..I think we all know I agree..no really) back to the point..that the driver would climb down sporting a sweet mullet or a bright red neck or a Rebel flag hanging from his hat while he spit chew etc etc. Boy was I surprised to see really 'normal' looking men. Some were even Super Cute...What?... with things like exploited Mohawks and faux-hawks and sweet 'staches ..we all know I'm a fool for facial hair. Had to aplogize to my Dad for being prejudice! Again, who knew?

I also saw part of the fan appeal is the somewhat over the top antics. WWF anyone????
The drama over WHO would take the title was great!  And it was 'odd' or ironic that towards the end of the night..after their time was up or almost up they would flip their trucks, smash their trucks or literally snap off  a huge important piece of their truck...hhhhmmmmmmmm. The crowds would go nuts over this!!!! I being a newbie would shriek in horror first before my spontaneous applause and cheering kicked in ;)!

The night was rich with sights...oh I had a feeling this was going to be the Best People Watching time I'd gotten to have in foreverrrrr! (Let me just say, yes, I'm sure I'm a sight to behold and am mocked all the time unknowingly to me for my crazy African print dresses etc) There is no meanness in my mocking..just a shared love for things that should not be..my prints and your mullet. So, in case you weren't one of my 70 thousand plus friends in attendance last night...here are the koolest, hippest, latest styles in Monster Truck Fan Wear:

Cowboys- actually really decent lookin' fellas BUT they knew it and wore their cowboy shirts either completely unbuttoned or enough to let you know they had a six-pack and cleanly shaved chest. With cowboy hats and BIG belt buckles to boot, pun intended.

Cowgirls???- Young & middle-aged alike, wow, seem to agree that taking a Camouflage T-shirt and shredding it across the front & back until most of their muffin tops, cleavage, and /or hot pink Cami's are bursting through, pairing it w/some sweet Daisy Dukes AND cowgirl boots is a Win-Win-Win situation....WOW....(Thank you God for Your mercy, I too used to believe revealing 99% of my body was the best way to get attention!...On a side note, I truly do feel sad for these gals!!! You are worthy of soooo much more!!!!!!) 

Umm, Farmers- Young men who wear overalls, unhooked on one shoulder with NO shirt underneath. Nuff said!

Well, one could go on and on but I think you get the picture, pure enjoyment  watching the crowds go by!!! I won't even mention what it's like to be surrounded by THOUSANDS of drunk people :)...and please note, before God wrecked my life with His 'much better than mine' plans I too used to depend on alcohol to be crazy!! Pretty sure I gave the drunks a run for their money last night AND I don't have a hangover AND I can remember all the fun I had and my son could see the difference between genuine enjoyment and having to 'create' it.....and nuff said on that.
By the way, overall there were just thousands upon thousands of 'everyday/average' families there. Apparently it is quite the Family event!!! Again, who knew?

So, I myself thoroughly enjoyed most of my evening.  Am I really admitting this.....yes, watching extremely loud 'trucks' wreck was so-o-o-o much fun!!!!!

Part two of my rambling is the 'normal' fun I missed out on last night. A normal mom of normal kids would probly' think no further than..how much money do I need and when can I leave to beat the mad rush etc. And then would sit and enjoy the show and enjoy watching her kids hoot 'n holler and have a grand time! The worst of her night might be waiting in line for potty breaks.
Here are the things I was thinking:
What will I feed Levi there? Will there be anything a gluten free/casein free kid can eat? Not to mention he doesn't do well with fried foods or 'fake' colors...
What if he needs to throw up? Yes, he pukes at the drop of a hat. Smells, sensations, foods..who knows what will trigger it...and could I get to a bathroom in time?
What will I do if the crowds overwhelm him?
He's prone to just say what he thinks without realizing it's possibly inappropriate or hurtful...What will I do if he says crazy things to strangers or worse to my Dad?
And what about the noise? I've purposefully waited several years to bring him even though he's wanted to come much sooner....
So, here's a snapshot of my world..this is especially for those of you wondering what I mean by ' Levi is most likely on the gifted and/but highly functioning autistic spectrum..think Asperger-ish.'
I had to wait until we were almost there to surprise him with where we were going. Too much information ahead of time gives him too much time to think. His response on Arlington Expressway (about 5 minutes from the Stadium) was, "oh, when I said I wanted to watch the Monster Trucks I just meant on T.V." and FEAR is all over his face. I'm thinking, oh my, we've just paid for tickets and my Dad is here driving us to this event that he (my Dad) is a huge fan of, how can I say "Just kidding Dad, can ya run us back home?"
We convince Levi to give it a shot and talk up how great it's gonna be.
Once we are there and inside we go to find food. It's a Meat-a-tarian's heaven. Did I mention we're also Vegetarians? I see that French Fries are my only choice. Uggghhh. He'll be bonkers by nights end! Oh and of course we have to have soda. We're out with Papa for goodness sake..we surely aren't going to turn down his treats and argue over food in line with hundreds of our new best friends! (Fried food and LOTS of sugar..this can't end well)
Oh and that whole filter thing, a mom turns around in line in front of us with cheese steaks. Levi literally says 'Ooooohhhh' like 'Grrross' right in front of her. And looks like he could barf over her food choice. (This is NOT him being mean or rude on purpose..it's a lack of awareness of social boundaries/norms coupled with serious sensory integration issues.)
We find our seats and eat. He tries to slurp down the monster drink within seconds and starts getting mad when I stop him. Not the mad like 'aww man, she won't let me drink this down.' but the 'This is my crack and I must have it. No one will stop me. I don't care what a fool I make of me or my mom. I need the rest of that sugar!' Fun stuff trying to discreetly fight your child for a cup!
So, when the trucks start to come out, (Cue the LOUDEST NOISE I have ever heard in my life) he literally panics. (He has on Ray's Gun range sound muffling ear muffs btw)  He begins to cry. Huge tears are rolling down his cheeks. I am looking around at small children, like 2 who seem oblivious to the noise. At boys his age who are jumping up and down in pure joy. He is mouthing 'Take me home NOW'. He is gripping me in fear. Getting angry as well...
Great, here we go. I've come here, spent the money, hoped this would be an amazing night for both he and my Dad. A wonderful night of bonding....I take him out to go talk to him. He is seriously freaked. I eventually calm him down and convince him to try my earplugs under his earmuffs. He agrees. We try again.....after two more times of leaving and bribery..with more 'No's' ( A snow cone, how many artificial colors and flavors can we add to one treat?) I finally get him to settle down and start to enjoy the show. He really likes it!!!! I keep warning him ahead of time when  I think the cars will rev their engines. He is watching every detail. He is picking his favorite,  the whole nine yards! Hooray!!
Later, he needs a snack and so does Papa. They go into the snack place together. I am thrilled. He comes back out about 20 minutes later looking freaked out again. Apparently a 'goth' girl with the freaky contacts and a long 'devil-ish' looking robe and crazy/scary makeup was in line by him. Have I mentioned the fear issues??? She scared the life out of him. Now picture your average child....they would not miss a beat, maybe a sideways glance at her, but not full fledged fear  and distress over her!
I finally get him settled and we enjoy more of the show. His new favorite thing when the trucks wreck is to stand up and yell "I want my money back!!!" Hilarious, he's copying my Dad!
Then comes bathroom time. For a kid with sensory issues public restrooms can be a nightmare! We spent about 30-40 minutes finding a decent bathroom, after holding up the line at the family one which he eventually deemed too gross and too scary.
I'm sure my Dad is thinking "what in the world?"
So, as the night wears on and the forbidden food kicks in he is getting  a little feisty. Keeps trying to take my Dad's cap. (After my Dad picked on him) Again, with the boundaries, he doesn't stop at grabbing for my Dad's hat once or twice but he is going to get my Dad back no  matter what. He grabs his hat at least 6 times as I implore him to stop. Grrrrrr. Eventually I hold his hands down until his attention is diverted back to the show...
We wrap up the night with him trying to call his Daddy to come get him because he's tired. Texting Kaitlyn funny but ridiculous messages.."Sister, send someone to rescue me. I need you to call Miss Jen or her peeps. These people won't  let me come home." All the while watching every thing on the stadium floor.
Finally it's over. He is freaking out that we decide to wait for the crowds to die down and want to avoid being on the road with the drunk folk! Starting to get angry..again!
We go to try and find the autograph table to kill time. When he sees how long the line is, he starts to cry. He is just overwhelmed. Remember he is 8, not 4 or 5..he is well past preschool age where some of this type behavior would seem 'ok' or normal. 
We make it to my Dad's truck, having great Q & A led by Levi on the way about who was whose favorite and least favorite etc. I know he has paid great attention and enjoyed himself.
There's a few more unfiltered moments on the way home..yelling at the truck next to us "Hey, turn down your music before we kill you", in line at Krystals, yes I know, "you mean they didn'y give me my Crystal light packet for my water, turn around go back, I'm gonna punch you" and several other neat things:)

So, that is maybe wayyyy too much info. This is how my heart breaks all the time for my lil man and what he goes through to do 'normal' things. This is a glimpse into my world. It wouldn't be us if we weren't transparent and honest. I want other people to see what 'this' looks like. I'm in uncharted territory here my own self. It wasn't until a few months ago when I read Jenny McCarthy's book "Mother Warriors" that it clicked for me.."Oh, wow, this is my KID." (and long story longer maybe not just  one of my kids)It was a depressing but relieving revelation. So many things made sense now. I am going to blog more later on the vast world of autism, sensory integration dysfunction/disorder, giftedness and more...tonight was just an initial 'getting it off my chest' kinda blog. There is so much more to Levi than this. And there is so much more too 'this' than just what I've posted here.

Well, it's getting late. I will wrap up saying, last night was one of the BEST nights ever. I am amazed at how far my son has come. Once I heard the noise, I thought there is NO way he'll stay. We got to hang out with my Dad. I didn't do a lot of this kinda stuff with him growing up. We are trying to make up for lost time. AND I am hooked on the Monster Trucks. I'm gonna 'tail gate' next year like all those crazy football fans do and make a whole day of it. Whooooooo-hooooooo!!! I'll keep Levi interested hopefully throughout the year and maybe this will become our 'thing'. Man, I love this kid. I will do whatever it takes to get him whole and healthy. To point him in the direction he should go. Coming  back full circle...I want him to be extreme, to be a freak...not because he has an overload of toxins and gut issues and food allergies/sensitivities and no filter and cries at loud noises and will puke because he smells something weird and all that...BUT because he is a God follower and lives in a way that makes others question...who is this kid? how can I be more like him? what's he got that I want?
God has a plan for him and I will do my best to help him find it 'as he goes', and maybe we'll drive a Monster Truck while we're looking!

"To HIM who can do wayyyyy more than I could ever ask or imagine be the glory!"