In an ever increasing burden to free my children from Autism/Sensory Disorders/Toxic Health I have begun the ever dreadful DETOX..
This is a quick snapshot of my true heart yesterday as we walk this road out:
Prayer Journal Entry April 15th, 2013 *As it is written, as it free-flowed from my overwhelmed heart, after reading 1Corinthians 13 and in the midst of blaring worship songs...
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor. 13
Love never fails.
God, I have to say that I feel like love does fail. I love my son but I most certainly have failed him.
I am a horrible Mom incapable of doing hard things for my family...
What do I do Lord? I truly long to give up---I long for this new baby to NOT have to be a apart of this nightmare that I am the cause of.... :(
How do I protect my son, my daughters, my unborn child...How do I trust?And how do I expect these kids to trust me?
How do I hope in tomorrow when I fear more of what I had today Lord?
How mostly do I persevere?
I want to quit. I want to surrender.
I wish I could believe my son would be FREE one day. (That all my children would be free)
Oh God be merciful to me and help me..give me wisdom..show me the path to take...
Lead me..make this about me and You, not about my selfishness..Be more to me than I can imagine.. Come to me please Lord.. MORE than my way, Your way..Not my thoughts, Your thoughts..
"there will be an end to this struggle but until that day comes, still I will praise You...and I will fear no evil, for my God is with me and if my God is with me..whom then shall I fear?"
Are you my Hope? Do You see?
So today I have already experienced a few outbursts of anger, a few defiant moments..."I hate you, I wanna die, kill me now" etc..and not from Levi this time.. I desire with everything in me to see my family FREE and it pains me deeply to watch them trying to struggle out of this darkness.. And I do feel like a failure way more than not..
It has also (as my struggles usually do) sent my mind and heart wandering to what other Mommas must do to walk out of their family's darkness...
The Mom whose child has inoperable cancer
The Autistic children trapped with no words, no emotion, no 'good moments' on the horizon
The Mom who has to work daily just to make a few bucks because there is no Daddy and she does not have the luxury of staying home to 'free' her family
The family whose Mommy died this week and she leaves behind several small munchkins and a heart broken husband
And especially the Mommas who live on 2 dollars or less a day, mostly less than a dollar a day...and maybe there's a Dad maybe not..and maybe she doesn't have AIDS, yet..And maybe she can't sweep her floor because her floor is dirt, and she can't detox her children because she can't afford the medicine that would kill the worms in their bellies. And maybe only 3 of her 6 children have died already from treatable/preventable disease etc....
Perspective...
A Mommy's heart can be broke over and over again and for many Moms pain & devastation are the norm and they are truly desperate.. I pray today that as God allows me to be broken for my family He will burden me deeper to be a rescuer for the 'least of these' as well....
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles,
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth,
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Matt Redmon, You never let go)
Trying to choose the TRUTH over the lies & fear today, to seek these things as posted by the AMAZING leader of Above Rubies that I read this morning :
" What will you be doing in your home today as you mother your children?
You will be caring, comforting, consoling, cheering, counseling,
encouraging, feeding, guarding, guiding, leading, loving, nurturing,
nourishing, praying, protecting, teaching, training, succoring,
strengthening and sweetening.
What a beautiful full time
career! Each one of these are powerful and anointed roles that come from
the heart of God. You couldn't be doing anything more powerful. You
couldn't be involved in a greater ministry than revealing the heart of
God as you prepare your children for this life and eternity.
Be encouraged and inspired today, dear mother.
Love from Nancy"
<3
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