So I won't bore everyone with a uber long post about the same old same old :) I will just jot down a few random things and call it a night.. (Of course anyone who knows me knows I truly do not know how to 'quickly jot down' anything but it sounds good right?)
We are moving..WHAT? Do you find this hard to believe? When I say, after each move "If I ever have to move again.." HA, how many of you laugh and say, yeah right.. It seems that we are officially wanderers. With no clear place to call HOME. Each time I move I really want to believe it will work this time. That we will unpack and settle in and we will just BE.
So, since that doesn't appear to be the reality I get to live in at this time let me tell you what we are up to:
1. As of tonight the wonderful (she says with a slight smirk) City Council has decided the fate of our City's Police yet again. My husband has a job --for now. 2. Since my husband still has a job he is eligible for off duty work as an officer. (We sometimes get notified of 'Courtesy Apartments' that are available to Police. These are apartment complexes that will give an Officer a reduced or free apartment in exchange for that officer providing 'Policing' for the community. ) We are as of this weekend going this route again. We have prayed and sought God's plan for us & this is the choice that gives my husband peace. We can no longer afford the town-home BECAUSE of all the repairs and moves. We are going farther and farther into a deep dark hole with each passing month ... 3. We are doing this as a major step of faith as we still need to rent or sell the town-home. (Which has passed the air sampling tests)
The following is just a free flow of my random odd crazy thoughts about all this:
- I feel like we have really been learning that this world is not our home! With all the moves we have had to slowly learn that some things are just not forever and some things are not worth getting to attached too. That just because I am in America or a Christian certainly does not guarantee me a 'dream home' or money in the bank. The less attached we are to the trappings the better. The more we spend on & are attached to worthwhile or eternal things, like. humans :) the better!!
- I feel like this will be a freeing thing for us as Ray has decided this time that once we leave we will never come back--no-matter-what. I want to believe that..I want to see this as a 'crossing a Jordan' of sorts. We can't go possess what is ahead if we are always looking back.
- I am looking at the coming year as a "year of pursuing holiness" for our family. In every way. I feel like we (or others--like the toxic home) have polluted our bodies and our minds....our lives in the last few years... and the rush of all these moves has left me ten steps behind all the things I want to be doing with my family. I want to see us examining every area of our lives and deciding if the things we are pouring into us are 'clean'..are they holy..are they pure??? I know that I am not the wife and mom I want to be and I see things in my children that I want to see changed as well. I am sure Ray would agree that there are things he wants cleaned up and purified --in him and in us.
- If we have moved roughly 15 times in two years and about 20 in 5 years then I have probably logged about 20 weeks JUST packing and unpacking ... maybe more.. can you imagine? This move has really hit me really hard thinking of all the time that has been stolen or given away to MOVES, time that I could have been doing so many other things with.... My homeschooling has suffered, my quality time with each kid has suffered, date nights have suffered...time to GIVE AWAY has suffered.
- When I think of all the instability the moves have caused it really hurts my heart. Especially for Levi, he is one of the main reasons we make this move other than for the financial. He has not slept in his room in the last 8 months more than a handful of times. He has serious fear issues and would rather sleep on the couch outside my bedroom than be upstairs where his sisters are. In the apartment he will have a bedroom that joins his sisters and is only a short walk to mine. No stairs!
- When I think of the financial craziness this has put us in it also makes me very sad. At this point it doesn't matter that Ryland never took ownership of what they caused ... What matters is us chipping away at the debt and our reliance on our own selves in times when we maybe could have had more faith and not ended up in such a mess. I hate that we are not able to pour into the 'others' of this world as liberally as we once did and desire so much to do so again... I hate the thought that we are just not able to make ends meet on just Ray's income. I hate that not once but twice we have had to drain our savings to pay for 'house stuff' when we had plans to surprise Kaitlyn with a car 'soon'..
- As I am packing I am looking around and saying HOW do I still have so much STUFF? What an indicator of our heart. Gross! I hate the things that 'keep me'. I want o learn to live with way less and yet have way more--way more of the important things. Moving from a 4 bedroom town-home with a 2 car garage to a 3 bedroom apartment with no garage is helping me to weed through and decide..Is 'it' really worth it? I want to embrace the 'wanderer' that we are becoming and be free to GO when God says GO... this packing a bazillion boxes is for the birds!
- The apartments we are moving to are near the beach. We have been told for years that with our toxic bodies and Levi's Aspergers we need to try to live near the salt air. We just could never find anywhere at the beach that we could afford for a family of 6 that my husband would actually feel ok leaving me home alone at... It makes me sad that we weren't desperate enough to just live anywhere, safe or not, but I have to trust my husband and honor his heart. This apartment should NOT be ours. We went and checked into the job (courtesy officer) a few weeks ago and out of all the apartments in the city it was closest to the beach (five minutes away) and really a nice complex. I told the Lord we didn't deserve it (we don't) and I would live wherever He wanted. I was sad anyways when the manager let us know that Ray worked on the same shift as the current officer and she needed to hire someone on the opposite shift. Long story short the manager emailed us the next day and said the current officer remembered working with Ray in training and went to bat for him...he got the job.
- I am going backwards now..to the statement about taking a year to pursue holiness. Moving to this complex will cost us. Ray will have to work on all his 'off duty' days. This will greatly limit our coming and going. No trips, no super late nights, no visiting family out of town without some major fanangling. Ray will have a much longer drive to work which means that much more time at home for 'just us'..me and the kiddos. We already miss him about 1/2 the year with his crazy schedule. BUT I know that pursuing holiness means discipline and seeking to do hard things... You can't pursue holiness that easily if you get to do whatever you want whenever you want. And when Dad's around life is so much more of a party. We will also move away from some of our best buddies. We will miss being five minutes from them. It will cause us to take our friendships more seriously and not so 'for granted'...
- Remember these are just the random thoughts..no particular order and no real reason for writing except I just wanna vomit it out and be done...so thanks for indulging me. One of the things that makes me the saddest is we are moving further away from 2MM (2nd Mile Ministries, an urban holistic ministry we have been partnering with for several years now. My heart was screaming THIS IS THE YEAR WE WILL MOVE TOWARD DOWNTOWN AND BE CLOSE TO 2MM!!! all this past year. I just new we would be near Brentwood. And yet, we will now be farther away than ever. I can not convey the pain this alone causes me. BUT I must believe that the timing is not right, or not yet...
- The previous bullet is where I mostly am right now personally.. I am at a place where I am just trying to rest and believe that God will speak louder than our selfish desires..that IF and WHEN He is ready to move us into more of a missional/ministry life again HE will make it obvious and HE will make the way. I second guess what we are doing all-day-long. Did we somehow miss God, are we sposed to still live in the town-home, are we sposed to be moving to the Brentwood area now? Why can't He spray paint me a sign in the sky with bold colors.. This is the way Reeves family, walk in it_____!!! More than anything I just want to be pleasing to HIM and deep deep down I want to believe I will choose His ways over mine and I will live out what really really matters...no matter the cost...
- For now, I cling to the fact that He knows we need to get well..we will take this year..or as long as He allows to get CLEAN, to get healthy and whole again, to pursue holiness, to find out what really does mark us as HIS!!! I want my life to shout I am the King's and His ways are so so so much better than any I could contrive or you could contrive and HIS ways lead to LIFE and not death.. to FREEDOM and not bondage...to LOVE and not hate!!! Do I falsely think we will be sickness free, sin free, burden free..no way... BUT I do have a feeling in my gut that this year will be a difference maker for the Reeves... I do feel that we will love God with more of us by the end of it.. I do know that if we choose to have FAITH and not doubt we can do anything according to His purposes for us !!!
- What will I find at the end of this year... NO IDEA.. If I could figure out God and put Him in a box and write up a little formula.. oh ho ho my friends, I would be the next "Make everyday a Friday" wonder... I have no desire to 'figure it all out' .. I just want to walk one day out at a time, placing a little more faith in Him than I do in me, or Ray, or Sheriff's or churches or City Councils or money.. I want to spend time with my kids enjoying simple things, I want to do art & dance with my beloved 2MM kids, I want to date the man of my dreams, I want to breathe salt air deeply!!! I want to worry a lot less and laugh a lot more! I want to sew, I want my 19 year old to teach me to decorate cakes, I want my son to not be afraid of 'things that go bump in the night' but to be afraid of not living for 'so much more' than what his little 10 year old body has already seen, I want us all to learn to play an instrument & sing really LOUD (my voice has been gone for may many months due to the toxic house), I want to share the HOPE of my God more recklessly and passionately than I ever have before.... I want to be closer to the path of adoption, I want to care more about what others need than what I want, I want o look back in one year and say Jam up--we DID it guys, we made HUGE changes, we worked HARD and we have come so FAR!!! I want to feel CLEAN and healthy and whole and as close to 'Holy' as a family should be who are walking humbly, loving mercy, and seeking justice for the 'others' around me... Hmmmmmm, I think that is all....
(Disclaimer: please read my previous posts if you have no idea what I mean by our 'toxic home' and to see my heart in that I realize our reality is STILL nowhere near the reality faced by millions daily.. I do not live in the dump. I am not widowed, I am not trying to live on less than 2 dollars a day.... I am constantly reminded that there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS someone who is wayyy worse off than we are in many ways.. I want my joy and devotion to God's Kingdom to shine through in ways that would help the 'least of these'.. all my ramblings are foolishness in comparison and if all I do is clang around and whine and have no LOVE to spread I am worthless... so take my words for what they are worth, not much, may my actions shout much louder and be worth much more :)
No, this isn't the most well,thought out, grammatically correct, most-sense making blog ever.. I am full of excuses as to why, SUPER bad headache, gotta pack tomorrow, don't care, do care but too tired to care, need sleep .... Anyways, I am grateful that you took the time to read... Grateful for any advice you may have on our goals for the year...
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