Surprise...this just in-------

So--this will not be my typical post.. ;) This is just a WOW, let me real quick grab a sec. to share a quick update about our journey~~~~
Ray has been approached about helping a new church plant...Ray has prayed and asked a few local Pastors/friends to pray & share wisdom..Ray has felt a peace and said YES...
(and by saying yes to this--by default he says no for now to other things)
I am in shock..this is absolutely crazy (but God is in the crazy business)..I am still trying to catch up to what all has just happened...
So for those of you just getting the news, you're in good company!
Please pray for us as this news, while great,wonderful, humbling, amazing..will also cause pain for us and others..it will unleash, as I am already seeing, tons of warfare...it will add another huge layer to our already crazy life ;)
AND I also know God is in the Kingdom business..it is an honor to be asked to help with a church plant...it has put a smile on my husband's face I haven't seen in a long time..we are 'wanderers' and we seem to just 'Go' where we can be used...we want to see His kingdom advanced and for folks to know about a Love that never fails, a Savior, a God who redeems, and that maybe the glimpses of heaven on earth will give people a Hope that one day all will be set right ....
I have no idea where this next step down the narrow road will take us but I am following my leader and my God and I know that His ways are not mine...that's where faith comes in & I want to recklessly live out all that He has for my family!!

Can you believe that's all I'm gonna type..surely a record!!!

~~~
I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love
Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is shot, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful

My seasons always change

But my life is spent on loving You

To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark I'll love You
I'll love You, I'll love You



I'll love You... 

Repeat:Repeat

Broken record. I feel like I am constantly saying the same things over and over and over... There is truly nothing new under the sun.  I want to give an update on our life/living/dying situation & as I re-read all my old blog posts I see that , well, there's nothing really new to say...   

So I won't bore everyone with a uber long post about the same old same old :)  I will just jot down a few random things and call it a night.. (Of course anyone who knows me knows I truly do not know how to 'quickly jot down' anything but it sounds good right?)

We are moving..WHAT? Do you find this hard to believe? When I say, after each move "If I ever have to move again.." HA, how many of you laugh and say, yeah right..   It seems that we are officially wanderers. With no clear place to call HOME. Each time I move I really want to believe it will work this time. That we will unpack and settle in and we will just BE.

So, since that doesn't appear to be the reality I get to live in at this time let me tell you what we are up to:

 1. As of tonight the wonderful (she says with a slight smirk) City Council has decided the fate of our City's Police yet again. My husband has a job --for now. 2. Since my husband still has a job he is eligible for off duty work as an officer. (We sometimes get notified of 'Courtesy Apartments' that are available to Police. These are apartment complexes that will give an Officer a reduced or free apartment in exchange for that officer providing 'Policing' for the community. ) We are as of this weekend going this route again. We have prayed and sought God's plan for us & this is the choice that gives my husband peace. We can no longer afford the town-home BECAUSE of all the repairs and moves. We are going farther and farther into a deep dark hole with each passing month ... 3. We are doing this as a major step of faith as we still need to rent or sell the town-home.   (Which has passed the air sampling tests)

The following is just a free flow of my random odd crazy thoughts about all this:

• I feel like we have really been learning that this world is not our home! With all the moves we have had to slowly learn  that some things are just not forever and some things are not worth getting to attached too. That just because I am in America or a Christian certainly does not guarantee me a 'dream home' or money in the bank. The less attached we are to the trappings the better. The more we spend on & are attached to worthwhile or eternal things, like. humans :) the better!!
• I feel like this will be a freeing thing for us as Ray has decided this time that once we leave we will never come back--no-matter-what. I want to believe that..I want to see this as a 'crossing a Jordan' of sorts. We can't go possess what is ahead if we are always looking back.
• I am looking at the coming year as a "year of pursuing holiness" for our family. In every way. I feel like we (or others--like the toxic home) have polluted our bodies and our minds....our lives in the last few years... and the rush of all these moves has left me ten steps behind all the things I want to be doing with my family. I want to see us examining every area of our lives and deciding if the things we are pouring into us are 'clean'..are they holy..are they pure???  I know that I am not the wife and mom I want to be and I see things in my children that I want to see changed as well. I am sure Ray would agree that there are things he wants cleaned up and purified --in him and in us.
• If we have moved roughly 15 times in two years and about 20 in 5 years then I have probably logged about 20 weeks JUST packing and unpacking ... maybe more.. can you imagine? This move has really hit me really hard thinking of all the time that has been stolen or given away to MOVES, time that I could have been doing so many other things with....  My homeschooling has suffered, my quality time with each kid has suffered, date nights have suffered...time to GIVE AWAY has suffered. 
• When I think of all the instability the moves have caused it really hurts my heart. Especially for Levi, he is one of the main reasons we make this move other than for the  financial. He has not slept in his room in the last 8 months more than a handful of times. He has serious fear issues and would rather sleep on the couch outside my bedroom than be upstairs where his sisters are. In the apartment he will have a bedroom that joins his sisters and is only a short walk to mine. No stairs!
• When I think of the financial craziness this has put us in it also makes me very sad. At this point it doesn't matter that Ryland never took ownership of what they caused ... What matters is us chipping away at the debt and our reliance on our own selves in times when we maybe could have had more faith and not ended up in such a mess. I hate that we are not able to pour into the 'others' of this world  as liberally as we once did and desire so much to do so again... I hate the thought that we are just not able to make ends meet on just Ray's income.  I hate that not once but twice we have had to drain our savings to pay for 'house stuff' when we had plans to surprise Kaitlyn with a car 'soon'..
• As I am packing I am looking around and saying HOW do I still have so much STUFF? What an indicator of our heart. Gross! I hate the things that 'keep me'. I want o learn to live with way less and yet have way more--way more of the important things. Moving from a 4 bedroom town-home with a 2 car garage to a 3 bedroom apartment with no garage is helping me to weed through and decide..Is 'it' really worth it? I want to embrace the 'wanderer' that we are becoming and be free to GO when God says GO... this packing a bazillion boxes is for the birds! 
• The apartments we are moving to are near the beach. We have been told for years that with our toxic bodies and Levi's Aspergers we need to try to live near the salt air. We just could never find anywhere at the beach that we could afford for a family of 6 that my husband would actually feel ok leaving me home alone at... It makes me sad that we weren't desperate enough to just live anywhere, safe or not, but I have to trust my husband and honor his heart.  This apartment should NOT be ours. We went and checked into the job (courtesy officer) a few weeks ago and out of all the apartments in the city it was closest to the beach (five minutes away) and really a nice complex. I told the Lord we didn't deserve it (we don't) and I would live wherever He wanted.  I was sad anyways when the manager let us know that Ray worked on the same shift as the current officer and she needed to hire someone on the opposite shift. Long story short the manager emailed us the next day and said the current officer remembered working with Ray in training and went to bat for him...he got the job. 
• I am going backwards now..to the statement about taking a year to pursue holiness. Moving to this complex will cost us. Ray will have to work on all his 'off duty' days. This will greatly limit our coming and going. No trips, no super late nights, no visiting family out of town without some major fanangling. Ray will have a much longer drive to work which means that much more time at home for 'just us'..me and the kiddos. We already miss him about 1/2 the year with his crazy schedule. BUT I know that pursuing holiness means discipline and seeking to do hard things... You can't pursue holiness that easily if you get to do whatever you want whenever you want. And when Dad's around life is so much more of a party.   We will also move away from some of our best buddies. We will miss being five minutes from them. It will cause us to take our friendships more seriously and not so 'for granted'... 
• Remember these are just the random thoughts..no particular order and no real reason for writing except I just wanna vomit it out and be done...so thanks for indulging me.  One of the things that makes me the saddest is we are moving further away from 2MM (2nd Mile Ministries, an urban holistic ministry we have been partnering with for several years now. My heart was screaming THIS IS THE YEAR WE WILL MOVE TOWARD DOWNTOWN AND BE CLOSE TO 2MM!!! all this past year. I just new we would be near Brentwood. And yet, we will now be farther away than ever. I can not convey the pain this alone causes me. BUT I must believe that the timing is not right, or not yet...
• The previous bullet is where I mostly am right now personally.. I am at a place where I am just trying to rest and believe that God will speak louder than our selfish desires..that IF and WHEN He is ready to move us into more of a missional/ministry life again HE will make it obvious and HE will make the way. I second guess what we are doing all-day-long. Did we somehow miss God, are we sposed to still live in the town-home, are we sposed to be moving to the Brentwood area now? Why can't He spray paint me a sign in the sky with bold colors..   This is the way Reeves family, walk in it_____!!! More than anything I just want to be pleasing to HIM and deep deep down I want to believe I will choose His ways over mine and I will live out what really really matters...no matter the cost...
• For now, I cling to the fact that He knows we need to get well..we will take this year..or as long as He allows to get CLEAN, to get healthy and whole again, to pursue holiness, to find out what really does mark us as HIS!!! I want my life to shout I am the King's and His ways are so so so much better than any I could contrive or you could contrive and HIS ways lead to LIFE and not death.. to FREEDOM and not bondage...to LOVE and not hate!!!  Do I falsely think we will be sickness free, sin free, burden free..no way... BUT I do have a feeling in my gut that this year will be a difference maker for the Reeves... I do feel that we will love God with more of us by the end of it.. I do know that if we choose to have FAITH and not doubt we can do anything according to His purposes for us !!!
• What will I find at the end of this year... NO IDEA.. If I could figure out God and put Him in a box and write up a little formula.. oh ho ho my friends, I would be the next "Make everyday a Friday" wonder... I have no desire to 'figure it all out' .. I just want to walk one day out at a time, placing a little more faith in Him than I do in me, or Ray, or Sheriff's or churches or City Councils or money.. I want to spend time with my kids enjoying simple things, I want to do art & dance with my beloved 2MM kids, I want to date the man of my dreams, I want to breathe salt air deeply!!! I want to worry a lot less and laugh a lot more! I want to sew, I want my 19 year old to teach me to decorate cakes, I want my son to not be afraid of 'things that go bump in the night' but to be afraid of not living for 'so much more' than what his little 10 year old body has already seen, I want us all to learn to play an instrument & sing really LOUD (my voice has been gone for may many months due to the toxic house), I want to share the HOPE of my God more recklessly and passionately than I ever have before.... I want to be closer to the path of adoption, I want to care more about what others need than what I want, I want o look back in one year and say Jam up--we DID it guys, we made HUGE changes, we worked HARD and we have come so FAR!!!   I want to feel CLEAN and healthy and whole and as close to 'Holy' as a family should be who are walking humbly, loving mercy, and seeking justice for the 'others' around me...  Hmmmmmm, I think that is all....

~~~A definition I found that I love and is the idea of what I mean by Holy, not holy like 'holier than thou'..THIS kind of HOLY>>>>~~~Holiness is the virtue by which we make all our acts subservient to God. Thus holiness or sanctity is the outcome of sanctification, that Divine act by which God freely justifies us, and by which He has claimed us for His own; by our resulting sanctity, in act as well as in habit, we claim Him as our Beginning and as the End towards which we daily unflinchingly tend. ~~~ 

(Disclaimer: please read my previous posts if you have no idea what I mean by our 'toxic home' and to see my heart in that I realize our reality is STILL nowhere near the reality faced by millions daily.. I do not live in the dump. I am not widowed, I am not trying to live on less than 2 dollars a day....  I am constantly reminded that there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS someone who is wayyy worse off than we are in many ways.. I want my joy and devotion to God's Kingdom to shine through in ways that would help the 'least of these'.. all my ramblings are foolishness in comparison and if all I do is clang around and whine and have no LOVE to spread I am worthless... so take my words for what they are worth, not much, may my actions shout much louder and be worth much more :)

No, this isn't the most well,thought out, grammatically correct, most-sense making blog ever..   I am full of excuses as to why, SUPER bad headache, gotta pack tomorrow, don't care, do care but too tired to care, need sleep ....  Anyways, I am grateful that you took the time to read... Grateful for any advice you may have on our goals for the year... 

~Special Delivery~ aka Where are we now??????

“Sometimes we need to know we’ve been delivered TO someone not just FROM something” So, I am sitting trying to think best how to give an update. (Thanks for asking by the way, don’t we all want to know someone is out there thinking of us, caring how our life is going..) So, my quote up top here is what is really resonating with me right now. We as a family have not yet been delivered from the Toxic nightmare (read earlier posts for the full story of what that means) BUT I know that one way or another ultimately we will be…whether here or Heaven..so I’m not here to give some wonderful update about our great health, a huge lawsuit win, or a great new safe home to move into.  But to know, as the quote says, that my focus can be on the Someone who delivers, rescues, redeems, has helped me to regain my perspective. I am a follower of Christ, I believe in the One True God and I have Hope because He is my Hope-giver!  HE, God, is what gives my life it’s purpose and He is what I have been delivered TO from oh so many things in the past. Often He tells us to ‘remember’, to rehearse in our mind, to recall the things He has done, to purposefully tell the ‘lies’ the Truth.

Many many many times, way more than I care to admit, I am forgetful. I don’t remember and I focus on what is in that moment stealing all my attention. Right now it is STILL the Toxic nightmare. This ‘season’ that is apparently not going to go away is constantly in the forefront of my mind. It sucks away wayyy to much of my day and it threatens to do me in…. I forget what all He has delivered me from and how much better my life is when my focus is on Him and things of eternal value.

So, before I give a quick update let me say this...mostly we are, as a family, trying to really navigate WHY we are here (on planet earth). What our purpose is, how we can best live that out & how we can move forward in a way that keeps our focus NOT on our circumstances or what we’ve been delivered from or need to be delivered from BUT on the Maker and what He considers important, valuable, needed…. Focusing on the Lover of my Soul & how I can grow in my relationship with Him & lead (with Ray) ,my family in loving Him with EVERYTHING!

 We have reached a decision that is incredibly terrifying to me as a mom but it is really the only choice we appear to have at this time. We are choosing to move home. We have been in the midst of more tests, more moves, more issues these last months and now the time has come to just call it quits….there is no more money to pour into a lawsuit that is ‘promised to take up to two more years just to really get started. It is promised to cost us more than the house is even worth to fight Ryland, it has now been promised that it will take thousands upon thousands to make the home ‘safe’ according to industry standards, for our particular family...and all that money could be spent in vain because there can be no guarantee that our ‘hypersensitive’ family won’t still get sick there.

We feel that at this time our best choice is just trust a family friend to come in and help us do a few ‘healthy’ upgrades to our A/C system and yet again just put the fate of our family back in this Ryland home (which is ultimately JUST trusting God no matter what....) Here is partly why…we are getting sick everywhere we move now. We are obviously not going to have an easy time of it anywhere at this point. As I sit here typing, I literally have a nose that is leaking like a faucet, a migraine headache, I am tired & I have the itching/scaling rash on my eyes. Many of my family’s symptoms have returned since living out of the town-home. Getting much worse since this last move from upstairs to downstairs. (I scraped an inch or more of sludge out of my A/C closet when we first moved in here...gross…an average family could probably live here and be fine..not the ‘freak show’ Reeves though!) And we are just tanked financially, Ray is working off duty jobs just to pay the bills & sometimes that is just a juggling act of who may not get paid ..yet..we are still committed to paying every bill that has resulted from this nightmare. We just can’t go into any more debt or sink another dime into trying to solve the overall problem from 'out here'..we need to be home and slowly making changes to the home as money allows.

I wake up many days and compare my crazy life to those who are in true poverty not just physical sickness/financial  bondage. I think of the statistic that every six seconds a child will die of preventable/treatable things. Those mommas would LOVE a way out, right this minute…many will not see an answer though. There is nothing that makes my family a special case. We do not deserve being rescued any more than millions of others today. Many more families than you know live in Toxic homes or have run from them and there is no ‘safe’ house waiting for them. Many have paid thousands upon thousands with no lawsuit win waiting on them to recoup all the debt. Many people today are homeless and/or jobless..there will be no rescue for them by days end either.

 I do not like the state of our dying, decaying, sick world...I do not like having a body that is becoming ever sensitive to everyday things that will always be around me. I don’t like, in fact I hate to think that my son will get sicker than he already is when we move back home… I also don’t like to think of kids with cancer, people starving, children with worms in their bellies and worms in their feet, millions being sold into slavery, kids being tied to beds and left to die because  they have ‘aged out’ of the adoption system usually because they have Downs or some other medical need that makes them 'unwanted' & even though my people (Christ-followers) profess pro-life,we are mostly pro-our life and sorta pro-birth (after the baby is here we don't really do anything to help or rescue them, right? Big finger pointing at myself first) …….there are many many MANY MANYthings I do not like…but I can’t blink and make it all ‘ok’ or GO AWAY.  There is not always a magic answer or maybe there is and we just aren't willing to see it or make it happen....I don't know.....

For us, like I said in the beginning it is more now about finding our family’s heartbeat…what spurs us on each day…we can’t keep focusing on this toxic nightmare, we can’t keep living in the ‘tempoary’..we need some kind of strong footing again, we need a purpose, a plan…we need to pour our lives into things that matter, forever things….we need to put our focus back on the Someone who we were many many times before delivered TO, He is what gives us our meaning…. I am thinking right now of the verse ‘What does the Lord require?’.. And He tells me in His word that He wants us to Walk HUMBLY, to Love MERCY & Seek JUSTICE…& I am thinking of what I learned this past week in my Mercy Triumphs Bible Study..'A person can live with pain a whole lot easier than they can live with purposelessness'....

When I think of that verse & saying.. I immediately think that if we can’t escape the decay, the dying, the people in need of rescue ALL around us..I think that we have more than enough to do to be the hands n feet of our God and that part of the ‘why’ in us going through so many battles is to SEE what it is like to wish desperately for a deliverance and wonder when one may come..

In our twenty plus years together Ray and I have walked out some pretty crazy times, we have ourselves been desperate many times. I want to be on the end of providing now. I am NOT saying we are going to be well all of a sudden and not have house issues. I am not saying my Aspie kids won’t have wayyyy more needs than I feel qualified to handle, I am not saying eating our way out of ALL this debt won’t be overwhelming. I am just saying we are in between a rock and hard place. We feel there is no other choice but to ‘go home’ AND at the same time I am saying the home will NO LONGER be our everyday all-consuming subject…

There are needs all around us, true needs, marriages falling apart, orphans needing care, kids needing to learn to read or paint or dance, hungry mouths needing to be fed….and on goes the list….WE (the Body of Christ) are supposed to be the one’s living out His redemptive story and helping Him BE the rescue plan for the world. IF that is our focus and we are pouring our lives into others then I believe we will find healing, maybe not the physical kind, maybe we will face way more sorrows as we move home, BUT I want my kids to know that we are living for Something and Someone that is much more important and worthy than what this temporary life is calling us to believe….

Sick houses, toxic houses, they are real…and many are suffering…we will more than likely now live out our lives with insane reactions and illnesses to ‘stuff’( I alone have MCS and just going to the grocery store or my friend's homes with candles burning makes me incredibly sick sometimes). Some of those reactions could be deadly. I can’t pretend to know what will happen as we move back home in a few weeks . I can’t pretend it does not freak me out..big time. I can just walk it out one day at a time…begging God for His kinda peace....one that can’t be explained….

So, that’s kinda it…no real answers..or true smoking gun to say exactly how all the mold spores got where they got (lotsa theories, lotsa possibilities but no 100% guarantee that would get us an easy win)…no BIG great ending to this story...no ‘happily ever after’ has come our way..no million dollar lawsuit and “boy did we showed Ryland” to report…

More questions than we have answers at this point, more fears for my kids as we move home ‘again’, more money spent on a home that may still make us very sick….

Sorry if this is kinda all over the place..I just wanted to get something out there in writing to everyone that’s been asking…

I know what we can use though..PRAYERS and loads of it…we are truly seeking HIS will above ALL, we are open to HIS plans and His purposes…we do not wanna make any mistakes and go even half a degree off His path….we covet your prayers..we want our lives to count & be an offering to Him for all He has done, to point others to the Hope that can only be found in Him…all of this will one day be gone, we want to store up our treasure in Heaven…we want to be found faithful as spouses to one another, as parents to these kids and hopefully more and  to be faithful to ‘whatever’ He asks us to do…..loving HIS redemption story in our life and ready for the next chapter..to Him alone be the glory!!!!

The Reeves' moldy update...ugghhh!

In advance (if you are interested), thank you for taking the time to read this, it means the world to us to have your support and we know this is a hard subject to understand (especially if you are not directly affected!)  In all actuality, it is new even to the medical community.  As in most things though, we are becoming VERY educated.  We are by no means simpletons, nor are we naive.  We are readers, researchers and since we are directly affected, it really matters to us.

Leviticus 14:45 "A house desecrated by mildew, mold, or fungus would be a defiled place to live in, so drastic measures had to be taken."

 

A rather QUICK explanation/update on the latest greatest Reeves' family Adventure:

We moved back into our town-home about 2 months or 8 weeks ago. We used a special cleaner called Thieves on EVERYTHING in the house, we mopped, we HEPA vacuumed the whole house, we repainted the entire house with allergy-free/toxic-free paint, we wiped down walls, bathrooms, shelves, beds...you name it. We then did this crazy thing that an Author/Environmental Hygienist recommended as a last ditch effort (remember we had already spent THOUSANDS having the home professionally re-mediated of the MILLIONS of mold spores/fiberglass etc found in our town home), we taped off every A/C vent in the home but one, we used dryer duct work to vent that one duct out our Bedroom window and attempted to "flush" out the A/C system. We had previously left the A/C off for weeks prior to this, and yes, it was a wee bit hot in here (80-90 degrees.)  We tried to spend the night away or days away as often as we could, just hoping the less we were here the less sick we might get IF we were going to get sick again. We truly HOPED we had done enough and would be safe. 

However, in the last three weeks we have all stayed here 'full-time'.  Here are some of the things that have slowly happened: My nose has begun to run like a faucet every morning and then throughout the day. My fingers itch. My hormones have gone wacky (ask Ray:)).  My 'itchy/sore' ears have come back (a main sign many w/fungal issues have).  Bella's joint pain has come back.  Ava is now limping and favoring one leg.  Some of Levi's autistic quirky symptoms are coming back (much of autism is a result of toxic/fungal over growth, etc...).  Kaitlyn's eczema is trying to come back.  While none of these alone are that big of a deal, HOWEVER; together they were unfortunately showing me ever so slowly...we have a problem. The final straw was last week. We all caught a small head cold (no biggie), but instead of getting well (like the normal folk) my kids got worse, some way worse and within 4 days Levi's croupy-cough changed to the violent coughing fits (where he pukes after-wards) had come back with a vengeance. This past week he has been diagnosed with a major asthma flare-up, double ear infection AND double sinus (mold) infections. *If you check out Mayo's study you will see MOST sinus infections are FUNGAL!

Here is the bottom line for us: this town-home is not worth our children's lives!

We thought we could try to live here while the legal-battle goes on and while we remediated our home, alas, we cannot!  We have a peace that we have done all we can do here and even tho' we LOVE this town home it is just not worth the price we may be paying with our health and/or lives.

Wanted to send out a quick picture for those of you who have asked questions and/or do not understand the seriousness of this issue.

We all know kids who have peanut allergies (the life threatening kind.)  You know that the parents have to go to great lengths to ensure there is not so much as a trace of peanut in their life. They have been told, 'Hey now that your kid had this reaction, future ones can kill them'. They carry epi-pens, they read labels voraciously, they get letters sent out to their kid's schools that there can be no more PB & J sandwiches, crackers, etc... at school. They can't even eat things that have been made in a factory where peanuts were stored, processed, etc...  Being in the same room with someone who has had a Reeces PB cup is all it may take to kill them!  The same is true for people with Bee-stings, reactions to penicillin, etc...

Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made and they have the amazing ability to recognize the enemy. Well, in our case the enemy appears to be Molds, fiberglass and now potential Chemicals.  I'm sure you've heard of MCS - or Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, people are actually getting Disability for this!  So, for us, just replace the word 'Peanuts' with the above enemies.  Another thing our bodies can do is 'recognize' a place that has made us sick before. It's crazy! ....

So, for us as we have lived back here this time we have been slowly getting sick...until our immune systems were lowered by the cold and BAM it sent our bodies, especially Levi's, straight back to where it was at the height of our sickness last year.  This is the SCARY part to us: Levi didn't have to get sick 6 or 7 times to end up ER bound, he got sick once!!!  We may never know what exactly is in this house we are hyper-sensitive to, we believe it is the A/C system being contaminated and without basically stripping this house down to nothing and rebuilding...we are NOT going to get it clean. (OH, and they haven't even checked behind our back walls yet where the moisture readings are ABOVE the safe limit. And on and on, the craziness goes!)

PLEASE know this as you hear about our story: there is NOTHING fun about this, we aren't making this choice to just have a lil excitement, we do not like our life being in constant turmoil, we do not thrive on this! It hurts my heart as the mom to be faced with this AGAIN. I do not enjoy lying awake  at night wondering if 'that coughing fit' was Levi's last (as in he died).  I know Ray is considering/praying about moving us to Arizona, where the climate is dry. THIS is not an easy situation to be in. And it will now haunt us forever. We may have to rent 7 different homes before we find one we can safely live in. Oh and as far as moving out right now.  We don't actually have the funds to do that.  Ryland has sucked all of our savings and credit down the drain this past year. So, when I say we need to move, I mean...we need to move, but God will have to provide the way! 

Ray is excited about being in that place of total dependency on God! I am having break-downs every few hours, but still trust my God!

Please take a moment to read these excerpts:
"Once the patient has become hypersensitive to the mold in their environment, they have also become overly reactive to all molds in their life including those they breathe elsewhere, those they eat and those that may be colonizing their tissues. Relief of symptoms can only come with a significant reduction in exposure including a mold free diet , avoidance of mold-ridden environments and treatment of mold colonization.  Some mold colonizations are well known, such as athlete's foot, vaginal yeast infections, ringworm, excessive dandruff, toenail fungus, etc. But molds are opportunistic and can become established on any tissue that has been previously damaged. This would include the sinuses of a patient who has had a sinus infection, the lungs of a patient with asthma, the nose of a patient with nasal congestion and the gastrointestinal tract of patients who have had chronic indigestion or abdominal discomfort. The patients' healthy, reactive immune system can prevent the mold from invading surrounding tissues and causing infection. However, it is not able to remove the mold from the mucosal or skin surfaces. The colonization continues, the patient continues to form immune complexes with the mold antigens, the overload continues, and the patient grows sicker."

And...

"Therapy is based on avoidance. The contaminated environment must be remediated or abandoned, a mold-free diet is very helpful, and colonization must be eliminated by the appropriate use of antifungals. The most common colonization sites are the nose, nasopharynx and esophagus."


Thanks again, we are working through this with the Lord's help. Covet your prayers...

A small part of our Epic Adventure aka A love worth fighting for!!!

"A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries." - (anonymous)

A long time ago, in a land far away, ..two people met and fell madly in love & lived happily ever after..OR a boy met a girl and thought she was his sister's new 'bratty obnoxious' friend...and a girl met a boy dressed in black w/Robert Smith hair & eyeliner and thought he was 'such a dork' because she had already outgrown the new-wave/punk rocker phase'. He was 20 , she was 15 .... (and yes, he escaped arrest because my Dad and Mom really liked him...)

Upon my 2nd meeting where he was at home sitting at the dining room table studying..with his AMAZING long blonde surfer hair and sweet tan..and about 30-40 more pounds...was 'WOW, now who is this brother, he is surely the hottest thing I've ever seen'!! It was lust at first sight to be sure!

Fast forward a few months and I am smitten and not sure where I stand with Ray. ( He was not a typical guy who had had 7,8 or 32 girlfriends so 'girl friend' territory wasn't nearly as flippant for him as I would have liked )  However, I just knew we'd be married one day. I can remember Leigh telling me one day as we neared University/Merrill , where he lived..'He'll never fall for you' I don't think she was being mean just maybe trying to be realistic...I however said to myself  'We'll see', I was pretty sure I could eventually woo him with my Love Powers ! (Back then that meant dressing like a 'hoochie momma' as my girls say and throwing myself at him at every turn)...I think we all see who was right ;) Though I am not proud of my actions now..back then those were the only skills I thought I had for winning a guy's  heart....

Anyways...I had met Ray in February and by August..well, we were official. I spent my entire Senior year with him had a blast. We worked at Regency Mall. Went to the beach together. went to church together. Went to clubs together....We pretty much spent every day together and by the end of that year..well, the lust had changed to as much as we knew/understood about LOVE as possible at our age.... 

I proposed, yes, that is right. I again, had NO clue as to how a young lady should act/behave so I thought it was pretty neat that I just asked him to marry me. (WOW, how my thinking has changed!) He of course said Yes  (because again, who could resist my Love Powers?) and went on a few months later/with ring in hand, to officially propose to me!

So that is how the Fairy Tale Epic Adventure of the 'Reevesses' began..

Now, 1/2 of my life has been spent growing up with Raymond..and here we are...21 years plus into a life full of some of the most dramatic seasons I can imagine...we have 6 children -  4 here, 2 in heaven..and prayerfully 'more' :) (biologically would be welcomed but adoption is our next goal..)

The following is a random list of very important facts, memories, lessons learned, & funny moments  that everyone should know about us.....:)....

•  We spent our first ten years of marriage enjoying the Air Force life..lived in AZ for like 6 years..had an AMAZING church and Pastor (Pastor Adams) as we tried to navigate what it looked like to actually surrender your life to God and be on the narrow road with Him! This is when we first began to realize MINISTRY was wayyy more a part of our life than just living the 'American Dream'....we moved to Valdosta GA for the last few years of Air Force life. LOVE that town, we actually lived on a plantation in the former slave house! Neatest house I've ever lived in..my front yard was a Pecan Grove..BEAUTIFUL! Ray surrendered to Full time ministry there.
• We spent the next ten years 'doing' full time ministry including Student (teen) ministry, Preschool ministry, Ray preaching, Mission trips, Summer Camps (Go Student Life) and 'planting' our own church while simultaneously trying to start a coffee shop ministry :) *Don't try that one!
• We are now on career/calling number 3..covert missionaries..and now that I've told you, well, I have to kill you..We truly believe God has planted a seed in our heart to grow His kingdom here in our home town (tho' we'd rather be in Honduras or the Czech Republic etc). Ray is on a crazy mission field as a Police Officer. I'm sorry, does anyone else find it as ridiculously insane as I do that my husband is now a COP? It is quite the insane lil world out there and my husband is equipped with 3 guns at all times and another small arsenal of weapons...BUT I mostly see him as a soldier, armed with LOVE and mercy for a very dark world! We are also involved with 2nd Mile Ministries---choosing to break the chains of a very racial/prejudice family--and help heal our city with the Gospel and Redemption through action!

• Now for the randomness..Ray is clumsy as all get out, I LAUGH really hard every time he falls .. and he is also very over dramatic when he falls, so it is even funnier!
• Ray has had every hair style known to man..no joke..Britney Warner has a wedding album to prove it :)...boy did he ever work the highlights, so funny now to even think about! I am a FAN of the shaved head, 'facial hair abundant' Ray..yum!
• My first coping mechanism during fighting was to run away..I would literally get on my bike or walk away from base housing when I was mad/upset, sometimes I would hide on the back porch for hours...I was a very mature 19 year old!
• We've gotten fat together :) or skinny..right now workin on the 'Let's get in shape together' plan!
• Ray has always wanted to have good communication, has fought for it...except when he would punch things (not me) but that was forever ago, like last week...just kidding... 
• Oh, before we were married Ray was so scary, he would chase down car loads of men if they even looked at him wrong..I would hide in the floor board...one day a middle aged man tailgated him over the Matthew's Bridge. The 'old man' pointed for Ray to pull over at the bottom. Ray promptly pulled over,walked up to the man, punched him in the face, got back in the car and came to nonchalantly tell me about it. 
• Ray and I have been to more concerts than I can count together--music is a big part of our life--to show the progression of our marriage one can watch the time-line of music.  The Cure, The Cure, scary occult groups, cheesy Christian church concerts, Newsboys, Five Iron Frenzy, Switchfoot, Third day like 17 times, all the ska bands, pretty much every christian concert held for like 5 years, even working at Christian Festivals by the time it was all said and done, Duran Duran (yes a few years ago, not 20), Switchfoot again at the Free bird cafe....and lastly, worship concerts...we evolve w/music, as our hearts w/God evolve..(this doesn't mean that we don't listen to any secular music, Ray still listens to some bands whose names I can not even pronounce, but none of them evil :) ---------At one Third Day concert the lead singer looked at Ray in the crowd and pointed back at himself as if to say "Do we not freakishly the same or what?"..at this time Ray had the same-ish style hair/glasses/clothes and most importantly facial hair as Mac Powell..it was creepy and yet fun to have the man I loved look like the lead singer of my favorite band ( a little bit high school huh? ahhhh well) The band guitarist called Ray  forward and gave him his leather snake skin hat in exchange for Ray's straw cowboy hat ..good times!
• We went on a family cruise one time..EVERYONE thinks Levi was conceived on it..the truth is we were SICK as DOGS and we touched each other only to steady each other on board!
• We love odd humor, we laugh hard together, we like to mock people & each other, not really... and he mostly laughs at me when I laugh so hard I cry or lose my breath.
• He and Kaitlyn like to gang up on me..most recently when trying to pick out a movie, they tried letting me choose..Then when they saw me scanning titles.."She'll pick out some Documentary on the Holocaust and spend the whole movie crying about how she couldn't save all the people..." Ha ha, funny!  (and me & Kaitlyn don't ever gang up on him ;)
• Ray and I are dorks (duh). We like to coordinate colors in our clothes when we can! We were old creepy couple status before we even got old!
• Ray likes us to watch movies together late at night, the running joke is that it's a fail-proof way to make sure I fall asleep..usually before the opening scene..ha!
• Ray surprised me in a BIG way on a mission trip to the Czech republic--he rented out the garden of a beautiful castle and had everything in a suit case to decorate/celebrate our anniversary..renewing our vows at the foot of a castle with all the adult and youth we had brought on the trip watching, Trent Polk our BFF officiating! (He had even brought me a dress and shoes and everything!) One thing that Ray Reeves is is a true romantic!! Like hard core..sappiest sweetest man ever (well, except when he's beating people up & I'm hiding in floor boards..ha ha)
• Ray still buys me flowers, Ray still lets me have 'Mom's nights out', Ray still lets me go away to conferences...he may remind me twenty three times he let me do it and be so proud he took care of everything while I was gone BUT the big deal is..he looks out for my needs and desires..
•  Ray has stood by me/helped decide with me our ever so controversial stances..natural childbirth (wow, what a concept), even when I was 21 and we had NO clue what we were doing & I showed up at the hospital being told by a nurse 'oh honey you're not in labor, nobody just walks in like you are in real labor' and proceeded to check me to find I was not only in labor I was 8 cm!! ( In your face medical establishment, uhhhh he also puts up with me STILL being bratty and obnoxious!).....and then to 'at home water births', extended breastfeeding, no immunizations, homeschooling, vegetarians, not putting our kids in the church nursery/preschool/youth group etc, not doing dating for our kids but courting, allowing God to open/close our womb, wanting to adopt, not celebrating halloween, wanting to live debt free in as little space as needed and so on..all things I think are pretty normal but have gotten us coined as Freaks??? What? Interesting... 
• We have had loads o' fun with the different seasons like..starting out our marriage with my  mother in law hating me ( we love each other now..it's possible ladies), Ray getting diagnosed w/two Auto immune diseases & getting the boot from the Air force, our House Fire, losing jobs/being fired/being jobless, having Levi be seriously sick and hospitalized several times----once w/whooping cough which led to secret meetings from other parents who didn't want our 'immunization free' kid near theirs-now that is fun!, having to live with our friends---not once or twice but multiple times, Having a house that is killing us and everyone wondering 'Why can't you guys stay well?'--well because we enjoy watching our kids die before our very eyes and we enjoy missing everything outside these four walls/being stuck inside ALL the time and we especially like hearing those comments like that after we've sat up all night watching a kid like a hawk  who may go into anaphylactic shock, it 's NOT because we didn't know our TOXIC house was killing us!!! Not to mention moving in/out ten times this year alone , Having Ray literally lose his mind and leave ALL that mattered to him--like God and us and not to mention losing our church, our friends, our home, our city and more as a consequence.., Me having not only Postpartum depression but the wackiest hormones ever--why my husband has not murdered me--I do not know! :) , and the house full of Aspergers kids, or as Levi has dubbed it 'Jack-ass pergers'--Oh the moments this has brought!!!, most recently losing two babies in less than one year...nothing funny to say about that....

I could go on and on..I was really just being sarcastic and silly in the last bullet about the Seasons, we really have been through some very trying times..we've lived through several catastrophic things...we've moved a lot, changed church homes several times, made friends/lost friends/made up with friends...we've made our family mad, we've made each other mad :) We've pleased some people and made some people proud w/our 20 plus years, we've disappointed a lot of people, mostly our kids, and mostly each other...

Here is where I get serious for just a few....when I first got married Ray and I had a PLAN 'A' only deal...we had both come from broken homes and would not repeat that..who knew I'd be served with divorce papers over a decade later?....what I mostly want to say on my 21st Anniversary is that we serve a REDEEMING RESURRECTING God...I wouldn't want to go through what I have sometimes BUT I know that what we have lived out is what makes our journey 'ours' and our love story an Epic Tale of Adventure..just like my beginning quote says..it's great to marry the one you love BUT to CHOOSE to stay together and LOVE the one you married..no matter what..now that is valuable..Ray and I take no credit for the fact that we are still married, we have hated each other as deeply as we have loved one another, we have disappointed each other as much as we have fulfilled each others needs/desires, we have trampled on each others feelings/rights/hearts as much as we have regarded them as more important than our own, we have had seasons..we have had trials, we have had bliss, we have had fun, we have had pain-deep pain, we have had happiness-abundantly, we have laughed together and at each other, we have cried together and at the hands of each other....I have grown up with Ray, when all is said and done he is the man who has walked hand in hand with me for over half my life, navigating with me what it means to live a life of purpose and Hope, he has Shepherded me, cherished me, and taught me...he is one of the BEST people I have ever known, the world is better because he is here, my world is richer, deeper, more colorful because he is my husband--- he challenges me as no other. I LOVE the subtitle to the book 'Sacred Marriage', 'What if marriage isn't to make you happy but to make you holy?'.....MORE than anything else Ray and I have been each other's main tool of refinement as we bring out the best and worst in each other...to stick by someone when life gets hard, too hard, or when you no longer 'feel' like you first did, or you just wanna quit...CHOOSING to love the one you're with..........that is true love, that is real abiding love, God has given that love to us when we were incapable of giving it...He has restored our marriage many times over..he has renewed our passion many times...He has let us 'see' our spouse as HE sees them. Worthy of love, time, attention, affection, worthy of the laying down of one's life.... we give Him the glory for holding us together..we have done a lot of hard work and we work on our marriage all the time...but ultimately, HE has been the third chord in our 'chord of three' and it is His Spirit in us that causes us to LOVE as He desires....We believe strongly that marriage in the world is under attack, we long to live out God's Redemptive plan and to show/help other's along the way...there are many things in life  worthy of fighting for...LOVE is one of the greatest! 

Happy Anniversary Judson, You're still the one!! Forgive me for when I fail you and am not the Helpmate you need....Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be.....

 (Our Song)
 Fly farther/Jars of Clay

He picked her up some flowers
On a sunday afternoon
They sat out on the

porch swing
Underneath the cresent moon
A life time seemed to pass
Staring at the skies
And on the swing he gave her the ring
There were tears in her eyes

He said I pray I'm not alone
In my dreams about forever
That you and I could become one
And always be together

We'd grow old and wise
Through all the days
For worse or for better
And now be true inside of you
Even now more than ever

And my lifetime flies but we'll fly farther
Into the night where the eyes of loneliness can never bother
All our dreams of together uneclipsed by never never
And my time flies it's in your eyes, but we'll fly farther

Fifty years have ridden off into the sunset
And the tears that we have cried have overflown
Here we are counting scars, wounds of life's ending upset
You're with me and I with you and I will never forget

And my time flies but we'll fly farther
Into the night where the eyes of loneliness will never bother
All our dreams of together uneclipsed by never never
And my time flies it's in your eyes, but we'll fly farther

He picked her up some flowers
On a sunday acfternoon
He rode the Greyhound bus past the house they used to swoon
He knelt beside the grave, hung his head, a teardrop fell
And on the stone epitaph show the words he knew so well...

And my time flies but we'll fly farther
Into the night where the eyes of loneliness will never bother
All our dreams of together, uneclipsed by never never
And my time flies, I see it in your eyes, but we'll fly farther

We'll fly farther
We'll fly farther

Pardon me, your epidermis is showing ! Is it really so black & white?

So, I am having the time of my life down in Brentwood (one of the 'high stats' for not so good stuff kinda neighborhoods) serving at 2nd Mile Ministries Summer Day Camp. I am also getting my butt kicked, it is wearing me out, and challenging me..in a good way. I am hanging out each day with about 60-80 of my new BF's (that's Best Friends for those of you who have forgotten).

Last night I had the privilege of attending the Ascension Recollect Tour. ( A night of worshiping God and hearing some Truth)  And this is what has prompted me to write today.

 At this event Boyd (the teacher for the night) shared on this verse:

1 Peter 2

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY.   Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they see them, glorify God when He comes.

The following will be my usual jumble so read on at your own risk of sheer confusion :)

I am looking at this verse last night and thinking WOW, a chosen race. I do not pretend to have a clue what the people of this country must feel inside that have had their forefathers and even their own selves treated as sub-human because of their 'race'. I am thinking of Indians (the one's we took America from) & Darker skinned people (otherwise known to some as black or African American and so on) It is very hard for me to refer to anyone by their supposed skin color. When I hold a piece of paper up to my arm I am quite obviously NOT white. I am not a fan of classifying people by colors and especially colors we are not... ANYWAYS, when I see this verse and read 'a CHOSEN race'  I wonder what these people who have been so ill treated at times through out our history solely based on RACE think at times or all the time... I think 'do they ever feel like they are CHOSEN as a race? Do they feel the feeling that one feels when they KNOW they have been chosen?? I am picturing an afternoon recess where the kickball game is about to begin. You know certain people will automatically be chosen. And if you were like me you know you probly' aren't at the top of the list! Oh that feeling of 'please don't pick me last, please see some redeeming quality in me that would allow me to be chosen before the last round'. Do you remember that feeling, whichever end of the spectrum you were on??

To be chosen based on 'things' or not chosen because you lacked 'something'. Ugghhhhh....not fun!

So, as I pondered this verse last night and thought about ALL these kids I am with every day at camp (and yes, my kids and the other volunteers kids are the only 'white' kids there) my heart hurt to think we still live in a time where the color of our skin matters. I couldn't help but hurt for the fact that they will still have certain odds stacked against them JUST because their epidermis is a few shades darker than mine. (OH PLEASE do not comment to me about reverse prejudice or any of that mumbo jumbo--and NO, I am  not an expert on Race, it's really not the point---I have grown up in a very racial family and I still see it and hear it all around me all the time, I know ....) I thought about how we (as God followers) have a chance, a privilege, a duty to tell these kids THEY ARE CHOSEN when they make a decision to surrender to God! They can know the deep abiding feeling of joy and hope and peace and security that comes with KNOWING  'You are a chosen Race'!!!..I have talked to them all week about how no one can take away their choice to be a God follower (aka Christian) and no one can deny that our God says "we" --His followers--- are a chosen race!! I want these kids to know their value is not in their color but in their identity.. they are not good or bad based on color. They are not less or more than me just because our skin is a few shades a part. I want these kids to internalize that the TRUEST things about them are the things GOD says about them!

Then my mind shifted last night to us, the believers, the ones who make up this 'CHOSEN RACE'. Boyd was challenging us to live this verse out. The Big C Church, to be known by our LOVE in ACTION. He wants us to proclaim the Truth. We have been called out of darkness into His marvelous Light. We, who were not a people, are now HIS people. Should we not want this for EVERYONE regardless of race or socioeconomic status? There was time when we had not received His mercy, but now we have. Do we not remember the wicked depraved people we were --'BG', --before God?...Think about this..you had no choice in your race, or your family etc...what if you had been born the exact opposite (as if there really were one) of what race you are now? Would you not have wanted someone to love you with God's love and reach out and share His Truth with you? (by the way, sshhhhh, Jesus is NOT white, he was far from Honky status!)  What is the verse, there is neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female... The Bible is RICH in Truth that Jesus came for ALL, that God is not partial, that His mercy is for everyone who will receive... I know in America it is hard to not be somewhat prejudice one way or the other, we have had it ingrained in us for sooooo long, too long....it is a work of the  Holy Spirit of God to change us into lovers of ALL people! Just like some marriages that get broken and only God can change the heart of a spouse who wants to leave---we MUST beg Him for a changed heart, one that is fervently wanting ALL to know Him. When God truly gets a grip on your life, your desires match up with HIS! He very clearly states that one CAN NOT hate his fellow man and say he loves God. The two go hand in hand. It is God's Spirit that allows us to love Him and others.

So, you say, 'well, I don't hate the 'black' or the 'white' person I just think we are s'posed to keep our people with our people and theirs with theirs'. OR 'I'm not prejudice I just have seen how 'those ' people act and I'm just not gonna be puttin up with it'..Whatever your sentence is-----REALLY? REALLY? wow, what must we do to the heart of God when we say we accept His love and mercy and grace but we do not accept His people? (HE created everyone, He is the great artist :), He makes the colors, He blends the colors..we are the HUMAN RACE, not A RACE, and when we KNOW God because we've heard Him call us by name (not by color) we are part of a CHOSEN RACE. (and we should not be prideful about that either, if we understand anything about God that should humble us not puff us up!)  

Anyways, even bigger broader strokes now...as I think about the Human Race, I think of people with AIDS, elderly, single moms, orphans, widows, homeless people..our next door neighbors....our co- worker. Folks, we have a mission to fulfill. Our lives are not our own IF we've been bought with a price!! You exchanged the old you for a new you and the new you is part of the only Kingdom that can not be shaken. You have a calling...you have a purpose....you are 'on mission' by virtue of the fact that you chose God back when He chose you! So, when you read the rest of the verses they talk about the fact that YOU are now the 'foreigner'....hmmmmmm....

So, we, this chosen race by God are now the 'foreigner', we are the odd ones, the different ones, the strangers, the ALIENS!!!! The FREAKS!!! Our lives, our behavior, our actions..everything about us should STAND OUT!   OUR LIVES SHOULD SHOUT --- And they should shout GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS ABOUT GOD!!!! We should no longer be known by our hatred, our meanness, our prejudices, our stinginess, our SIN....we should be known by the OPPOSITE things. If the world loves something we should probably hate it, if the world accepts something , we should probably not..MOSTLY we should be seeing ourselves as HOLY vessels that the One True God wants to pour Himself into and out of to reveal Himself to the world!!!!   I have challenged the kids in camp this week to count the cost. To not just take it lightly that they have a choice to make. Choosing a life for Christ does not get you into an elite country club full of  all the 'good stuff'. Have you read about Jesus's life? If we are to walk as He did that does not equal the 'good life'.

Song time:

This is the good life
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in Your arms

Loneliness has left me searching
For someone to love
Poverty has changed my view
Of what true riches are
Sorrow's opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart's happiness 

Ahhh, old school Audio Adrenaline. For real brothers and sisters ... are you living like an ALIEN? Do you fit right in? Are you sooo consumed with mimicking the world for your family that you have allowed the world to be forgotten? ie, Are you  at the country club aka church building 5 times a week doing some great program for your kids there that you never actually give thought to the kid who would love an hour of your time? Your love, your hug, your smile?  What about the bazillion other people that NEED to know about our God and His lavish love???? There is a ministry available on every block that you could get plugged into..there is a need on every corner waiting to be filled...I will not even begin to name all the ways we can and should be being His hands n feet? What are we (Christians) known for right now? Our heroic acts of self sacrifice and love? I don't think so..(and if you think I'm not preaching to myself, while I have one finger pointed at you, there are several pointing back at me!!...I repulse myself for my lack of willingness to do WHATEVER He asks..ugghhh..I am praying for more and more of the Spirit's equipping to be bold enough, brave enough, crazy enough to live as HE would desire!)

So, I couldn't help but feel cynical as I looked around this room filled with hundreds of, yes, mostly white people, last night that were furiously fist pumping or hand raising in their worship of our God and wonder who here will actually go out and BE the CHURCH? Not just attend it??? We are a sleeping giant, it is true..imagine what we could do if we tapped into the Spirit' s power and surrendered everything to HIM???? What if we took God at His word and just lived every day in ways that we would stand out as the ALIENS He says we are?

As I think about camp & how tiring it is to be a part of, how hard it is to get my own kids motivated and there each day... I beg God to burn these kid's faces into my mind and heart. I want to be so burdened for their souls that I lose sleep over them. I want to be bone tired because I've given something away each day that was never meant to be kept! I can not hoard His love!! Not any comparison at all but I think of Kate/Amazima and her quote about getting tired and how she said something to the effect of..'face down in the dirt is where I meet Jesus'. I want to meet Jesus where He is! In each of our lives that will be a different place....where should you be meeting Him? Where is He waiting for you to join Him? What prejudices and barriers does He want to break down in your life?

I will leave you with this, this week we did a little activity at camp, the 'I AM' page:

I am..... I need... I want..... and so on...

What would you fill in the blanks with? For me it might be...I am Kim, I need a some sleep my kids kept me up all night, I want some Starbucks, I like thrift store shopping and so on...

This is a sampling of the answers I got---- 

I am_____ I need my Dad, or my dad to get out of prison, or my mom to stop being so mean, I want a child of my own or my mom to marry her boyfriend, I want to go to church or I want to be a cop , I like being here at camp, I'd like you to be my mom Mrs. Kim, I love you......

There are hurting, hopeless people all around us..in all shades, all income brackets, all different homes or no homes, all kinds of illnesses or in perfect health. They need to have their God shaped hole filled and then they need you to walk alongside them...Think about it this week..has God really intersected your life? Would you know it by your actions? Do you want to lay down your life or just have a 'good life'...do you truly believe there is a war for the souls of ALL mankind going on or is God just another part of your neat compartmentalized life???..(again, shouting loudest to myself!!) We are either bringing glory to or stealing it away from our great God....

"I want to see miracles, to see the world change"..Go read Radical or the Whole in our Gospel or something that illuminates how our Faith with out works is DEAD! I do not want a dead faith! 

Father--wake us up, let us SEE people as You see them, worthy God, not worthless, let us see how we have been crippled Lord or cripple ourselves with our prejudices, let us be broken over the things that break Your heart, let us run with reckless abandon to do the works You put us here for, let us beg You for more of Your Spirit so we can GO and do what needs to be done, Father forgive us for getting so caught up in the programs that we have forgotten the people, Father let us WAKE UP and put aside EVERYTHING that hinders....fill the empty places in us, let us be over-flowing with the fruit of Your Spirit so we can be world changers, and by our deeds and our LOVE let us be known!!!..Give us orphans and widows to rescue, slaves to set free, people in chains to unloose, YOU burden us God and do not allow us to be at peace until we are sharing YOUR story of Hope with a lost and dying world!~ Let us live as children of the Light, to come out and be separate, to stand in the truth that we are NOW CHOSEN people who were once walking in our depravity...Do not let us forget where we have come from and be so filled with HOPE at where we are going we want to take everyone we can!!!! Let us redeem the time we have wasted ...wake us up Father, wake us up....we need You more than we know and we need Your love and mercy....God help us! Praise Your name alone....

Thanks for reading if you made it this far :) One final song:

There are many prodigal sons
On our city streets they run
Searching for shelter
There are homes broken down
People's hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures

This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We're crying for them come back home
We're crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

There are

schools full of hatred Even churches have forsaken Love and mercy May we see this generation In it's state of desperation For Your glory This is an emergency! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! And all Your children will stretch out their hands And pick up the crippled man Father, we will lead them home Father, we will lead them home

S