What is the value of a life? What is it worth? Is even an unborn several week old baby important?.....
As I lay here in bed at my in-love's home waiting for the rest of this 'life' to drain away..vivid , yes, too graphic, sorry... I know deep in my heart that this little life has already truly been gone from my body for some time. Now I am just left with the physical reminders of what was and what will never be.
Here is where my mind had already gone with this child...I was already looking for new cloth diapers, already had an amazing 'diet' planned that would ensure this pregnancy would go smoothly and this child would not be toxic, or full of chemicals, or prone to autism. I had already pictured the sling I would buy, the amazing IKEA shopping trip to get everything one truly needs to outfit a baby area cheaply & gorgeously. I had already planned my homes-kool year around having a baby right after our winter break. I had pictured myself just getting over morning sickness when 2nd Mile Ministries Summer Camp began. I had hoped for a boy to give Levi a little buddy. These are dreams that will never be realized..not for this baby.
Going backwards....since moving out of our 'Sick-House' my cycles had been greatly messed up. It began with my first miscarriage last summer. (You can read about baby Greyson in my previous blog) I had never even had so much as really painful periods ...and now I had periods for weeks on end and they were violent! So, every so often in the midst of not knowing when my next cycle was due I would wonder if I had gotten pregnant. I probly' bought at least 20 dollars worth of the Dollar Store PG tests. All negative. And truth be told I would breathe a sigh of relief. I feel strongly, very strongly about adoption and rescuing children who do not have a say so about being here on planet earth and they NEED us. I already had been blessed with 4 amazing pregnancies and children...I am almost 40...I was content to have that door closed and begin the process of adding through adoption to our little tribe.
When several weeks ago it hit me that I could clearly remember feeling like my cycle should have been here by now....hmmmmmmm. I assumed the test would be negative as it had been all this last year. I was at Publix when I couldn't wait to get home to 'see'. So, I tucked into a stall and quickly took the test. It immediately 'answered' me--with a negative. Phew, I thought. I guess my body really is that screwed up now and I won't ever be pregnant again. I stood up and grabbed the test stick to toss and glanced down. Really? Really? It had gone to a big fat PLUS sign..oh my word..I was pregnant. I started shaking and literally felt faint.
My first thoughts were happy and that this would be exciting news for Ray who had told me several times recently how I was glowing and looked so beautiful (and I would assure him, somewhat angrily at times..please do not say that..I am NOT pregnant and never will be again most likely). He was over joyed at the news. We decided to tell Kaitlyn & a few select people who could be praying for us. We also purposefully decided NOT to share with family or friends who thought we were nuts already for having FOUR, can you believe it? FOUR food eating, clothes destroying, college funds needing kids...what would we be thinking in our 40's no less, to STILL be trying to have kids? (sarcasm intended..though I do understand their misguided thinking ;) Though I too thought it would be best at this time if the Lord decided my body was not well enough to carry more children and those baby's crying out for 'forever families' need us wayyyy more.. After processing being with child again, I humbly relented that I am still NOT God and I do not need to be hesitant if He decides to bless us with more of His creations! I was sorrowful for my misgivings about not welcoming more biological children and told the Lord that I was happy He would allow us another chance at life this way. I can not see the Big Picture as He can---I do not know why He chooses what He does and when, I just know that children are a blessing and not a curse. I know that He is truly the giver of life. If He chooses for us to have more biological children..at this age, with all the madness of our life right now, with our heart for adoption..then He must see something we do not and we must believe His ways are better than ours.
So, fast forward...I felt very pregnant for a while..automatically outgrew my clothes. Had a very discernible 'bump.' Craved tuna fish sandwiches from Subway. (I'm a vegetarian..and yes, fish have faces, they are alive..so this is not normal for me:) The pregnancy was very real for us.
During the weeks leading up to this pregnancy I had been reading a book called 'Hospital by the River'. It is the compelling heartbreaking story but hope filled story of Catherine Hamlin and her husband and the work they did in Ethiopia. They focused their lives work on helping women with fistula's. Please read their story, it is very eye opening. These women have very little hope of carrying all or most of their children to term and delivering successfully. Many women labor for days or weeks (and their babies die inside them) and eventually they deliver but not before their bodies are severely damaged.This is a small excerpt from the foundations website:
A fistula is simply a hole between an internal organ and the outside world that should not exist. There are two primary causes of fistula in women in developing countries: childbirth, causing obstetric fistula and sexual violence, causing traumatic fistula
Obstetric fistula the most devastating of all childbirth injuries
An obstetric fistula develops when blood supply to the tissues of the vagina and the bladder (and/or rectum) is cut off during prolonged obstructed labor. The tissues die and a hole forms through which urine and/or feces pass uncontrollably. Women who develop fistulas are often abandoned by their husbands, rejected by their communities, and forced to live an isolated existence.
Can you imagine? Something that most of us in America would take for granted is a horrifying, scary, life altering experience for so many. Why and how am I connecting this to my current loss.
Well, I believe God's timing is right on. He is never late and never early. I do not believe in coincidences. I knew in my heart of hearts as I felt this little life leave that it was yet again a HUGE reminder to me that we MUST be Pro-LIFE not just Pro-Birth! It is easy to say we are pro-life when what we really mean is we are pro-birth. We say life is valuable. We say abortion is murder. But what is it when 'we' sit and allow another woman's baby to die in the birthing process because she is wayyyyy over there and her life does not really touch mine. And beyond that, what are we when we sit and allow millions, MILLIONS of orphans to go without a forever family..to be tied to beds to live out their days like a worthless mutt..to be crowded into a room with ten or more of their 'best friends' because there aren't enough funds for one bed a piece, or young men and women released from the hell of an orphanage straight into the hands of the human trafficking/sex-slave trade....what are we for again? Birth or Life? Even here in Florida where adoption is FREE we have hundreds and hundreds of kids without homes because well.......I forget why is that? But we are sure that life has value.... right?
I believe people do want life, I see it in my FB posts and in my emails... by all the prayers and well wishes offered up for me in this miscarriage or for our dear brother and sister Mike & Brooke in the loss of their baby to an adoption gone horribly wrong. People are sad for us. They grieve with us. They want to help. They truly care. They are angry at the injustice. 'Not another miscarriage.' ...'Surely you can't have paid all that money for the adoption and come home empty handed'..it is a good anger...it is needed...we should be sad and broken at the loss of life no matter how it comes. We should be angry at this.... LIFE is good and we should welcome it. We should be sorrowful when it is taken or withheld....my arms ache to hold this baby. My children were devastated that yet again a brother or sister was just 'gone'. Why would God do this they want to know.... It is normal and natural to long for life! It is in our makeup! Some of us squelch it or pretend that life is better when we are 'free' from all the entanglements that more life brings. But deep deep down, we were created for one another. We need each other. We need to care for something outside ourselves. No, I don't wish all my kids were Kaitlyn's age and about to leave home so I could be 'free'. Children ARE our future and I welcome them....My freedom is found in giving my life to others...not easy, not pain free..but worth it!!!
BUT back to the point...IF we are pro-LIFE what are we doing about it? Don't just be sad for me as I have another baby now with my Abba Father. Be sad at ALL the baby's still here who need arms to hold them! Be sad for girls who are raped ten, fifteen, a hundred times a night in human trafficking, be sad for the unborn child who could not make it out of his mother's womb for lack of education and proper medical care. Get angry at the injustice of all LIFE that is needlessly lost or wasted. I trust my Father's heart and know that my baby is better off in Heaven, I know we live in a dying decaying world with broken bodies. I may never carry another child to term. I grieve that today BUT it spurs me on to MORE. This child and Greyson were not here and then gone in vain. They are very real, very painful, very serious reminders to me of all the lives that still await my love and care and compassion.....
Many people say 'people would help if they were just made aware of the problem'..ummmmmm , I'm not so sure about that. I'm a pretty selfish creature. I know there are many many days I pick me over anything else. What does it truly look like to lay down my own life for the sake of others. Where does that 'Mother Theresa' quality come from? What does it take to make us broken enough to actually do something for the 'poor and helpless, fatherless and widow'? Not a token something that doesn't really cost us..but a real tanginble something that is beyond us to follow through with in our own strength? What would it take to wake up the church, true followers of Christ, that would cause us to take up these causes in the ways our forefathers and mothers once did? We used to be the people who were known to stay behind during the plagues to care for others..or it would be known that you could abandon your baby on my doorstep and know that I would care for them....Don't we want to be that kind of people? I do....but will I allow this death to push me towards this kind of life..giving up, sacrificing, trusting in only the Spirit and not ourselves to live this way????
Ray and I have been talking a lot these last few days. Our life, it is not the same as it was a few years ago, we have walked a crazy path and it is just now bringing us full circle to where we started. We KNOW we are called to serve our Abba and live in a way that is counter-cultural.... We KNOW that we must put our actions behind our words. We KNOW that on our own with out the Spirit of the living God enabling we will fail miserably! We have opened our hearts and lives to give free reign to whatever God wants to do....from where we will live, to how we will spend His money, to where we will gather with other believers, to how many kids He desires for us, to how many precious children we can rescue and give a forever home too....these choices are all now in His hands. (Btw these are not our ideas, they are just convictions we feel from His word, we are not seeking to illuminate our life and make it an open book for our sake BUT for His name and His reknowm. :) HE alone is worthy!
"I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. Don't get me wrong: God has already done so much in my life, and I am grateful for it. I'm just convinced there is more. There's more of the Spirit and there is more of God than any of us is experiencing. I want to go there---not just intellectually, but in life, with everything that I am." (Farncis Chan-Forgotten God) BAM! Hit me right in the gut. THIS IS WHERE I AM LORD!!!! I want more of him and more of this life!!! I want my children here and the ones now in Heaven to be proud of me and their Dad, to know that we burned up our one shot SHOUTING with our lives-----we are PRO-LIFE not just Pro-birth! ALL life is valuable and has worth..every homeless person, every widow, every orphan, every poor, every hopeless, every prisoner..every person in bondage or captivity -whether it be in their mind or physically is valuable and worthy of my time, effort, resources, prayers--my very life!!!!! WE are to share the great news that our God saves, He reigns, He is, He always will be, He will set you free and He loves you and has a plan for you. And my life should convey that not just in words but in deeds. Spirit---enable us!!!!!
I am surrounded by love right now..I am so grateful. I have a daughter who is being extremely sacrificial, she is working out her own salvation for sure while caring for me and my children during this time. For my husband who has chosen to take time off of work to be with me while I journey down this unwanted path yet again. To have people drop their own plans in a heartbeat to do for us. (Both my father and father in love driving Ray back and forth from Jville to be here) For my in-loves for opening their home to us..I KNOW a housefull of children can be overwhelming..they are being so merciful. For everyone loving on us from afar....I feel it. Thank you.... Many times if given a choice we would surely not choose what has happened to us. But if we put our HOPE in a something and somewhere and somehow and SOMEONE bigger than us, even our shattered dreams are made beautiful in time.
My newest babe is named Sam. (Taken from this website after hours of searching...http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/137087/jewish/Samech-To-Support-and-Heal.htm) It's basic meaning is Support, but when you read this page holy moly at the deeper meaning. I wanted a name for this child I will never hold to be representative of the fact that God alone is our strength, our Healer, our support..He alone will hold us up through the death of another baby. And this baby, if you read about the name, will be a constant reminder that we (through God) have an infinite light and power that can change this dark world.
If you need or desire some ideas of how to change your world...here's a short list to check out:
Anyways, if you've stuck with my ramblings this long. God bless you ;) and thank you. Never knew how cathartic typing it all out was! I will end with words stolen from a dear lil momma's blog who is about to welcome LIFE..thanks Mrs. Warner!
Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue,The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between inside of me..
Oh let it be morning...
