Fast Food (and other ramblings on pure religion & stuff)

Picture the scene in Slum Dog Millionaire where the little orphaned children are being asked to sing, oh my word when the little boy starts to sing....this movie is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES now...not because the hokey plot is great but because it hits somewhere deep deep in the core of me...I weep each time I watch it...and now I have a two year old who bursts into song throughout the week that I would swear IS this kid's song..it is NOT English and she sounds eerily like him..she is singing in earnest..I seriously have to wonder if this IS God speaking to me, orphans haunting me, my actions (or lack there-of) convicting me.....


So, this has been keeping me awake for years....I hope that hearing my burden will cause it to also become your burden. How nice of me :) I also hope that seeing my burden in print will cause me to be more forceful in taking ACTION! Know ahead of time that it would take a full book to really capture how I feel about this. I am in a constant war with myself to give up my love affair with the world and give in to my yearning for a bigger, more real, more impactful love affair with my God and His creation....this blog is more my anger coming out and my call to action. It does not do justice to the tears that flow in the early morning hours when I am only slightly cold and can easily cover me and whatever babe has crawled into bed with me..and my mind flashes to millions who will have nothing to ease their chill or even keep them from freezing-to death-literally. It will not clearly convey how I feel when I throw away leftovers, or speak a harsher than needed word to my child, or buy yet another 'sundress' for my already spoiled girls....I feel a war waging---a fight between the me I am and the me I know I was created to be. What would mom's all over the world give to be in my place, where there is 'ALWAYS MORE THAN ENOUGH'.???? This blog will shed light on some stuff that most of us do not want to hear let alone be moved to do anything about............I hope through the anger and ramblings you will glimpse a Wife, Mom, Daughter and friend who is no longer comfortable in her own skin, in, in her own life ..who prays daily for God to break her heart.

FAST FOOD? "Why have we fasted and You have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and You have not noticed?" the people say. .....Fast forward to the end of God's reply.....

"Is not this the kind of fast I have chosen : to loose the chains of injustice & untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free, and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer shelter- when you see the naked to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"

(Isaiah 58)

I am wondering how many of us equate fasting with abstaining from food or maybe some other 'thing' for a set period of time? What about these verses from the Truth? This is straight from God's mouth...I know that most of the Church does NOT practice this kind of fasting! (BTW if you want to see what God promised to those who practiced this type of fasting, go check out the 'rest of the story')

I was blown away the first time I cam across those verses. Wow. God expects this kind of 'fasting'? I am no Bible scholar so please do not mistake this as some theology letter/review etc. This is just my heart being pricked by some words that say to me, "hey that whole don't eat for a few hours deal,  that's not getting to the heart of the matter...you Americans, well frankly you could afford to skip a few meals all the time...I'm looking a little deeper than that..I'm looking at your heart Kim Reeves and seeing if your actions will match up with your words. You really wanna fast..try this!".."this will get my attention" (Please don't hear what I'm NOT saying..I am not saying we earn God's merit by doing good works..I'm saying by my fruit you will know me, and know what I believe, and know what God has broken my heart with because I am so in tune with His heart! )

Now, I am reading a book called 'The Hole In Our Gospel" ( for some he aligns himself w/toooo much social gospel and it's too watered down) I am not here to make that call..I am just using all the truth and the Truth he has written about to write my blog :) If you read his story it's hard NOT to think he's got wayyyy more right than most of us and he is refreshingly honest about the struggle to maintain the right God kinda heart towards the 'oppressed, the wanderer, the fatherless, the widow etc'

So, since he has done most of my work for me I am literally about to 'copy/paste' a junk load of quotes from his book. Reader beware..this may make you feel like doing some hard sacrificial things!

"The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the Good News is preached to the poor" Jesus talking! (Is this what we do all day, I'm pretty sure He told us that we should follow Him...we should be about the Father's business...that by our fruit we'd be known. Read ALL of what Jesus did while here...if HE thought it was important to link His Good News with meeting physical needs and to care deeply for those who were hurting SHOULDN'T WE?????? Where have we gotten the idea that living out our  Faith is ALL ABOUT US!   

Soap box time- common things heard by 'us'. 'Lord, let me just get that close parking space.' 'Lord, please let lil Bobby get into the next little league level' 'Lord, if You will just let me get that job I'll give You a tithe from my new income or I'll go to church every time the doors are open.' (I am NOT belittling our prayers or desires..I am trying to illuminate where our focus IS vs where it maybe SHOULD BE.) And, how many programs/activities  do we have to fill up our church and social calendars? You can get most of your calendar filled if you just attend church a few days a week, go to a few extra classes (scrap-booking, ladies Bible study, have your kids in one/two/three activities, make it home after church every week for the Big Game and so on....) We have filled our calendars so full of 'US' time there is no time left for 'THEM'. The Great Commission tells us to do what?

“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have  commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the     very end of the age.”   (Matthew 28)                                                        

and Jesus Himself said He came to do what?

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
   because he has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
   and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
    to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor"

(Luke 4)

When will we be FULL enough of the Truth, Bible studies, Fellowships, Seminars etc  to ACTUALLY stop eating all the time and start Feeding others?????? Fulfilling the Great Commission??? Walking as Jesus walks?? Our 'religion' is not a crutch, a feel good philosophy...it is a way of life..a mission..something meaningful BUT oh so hard and impossible really with out His power..IT (being a God-follower) was never meant to be easy or fix all our problems (sorry Joel, the prosperity gospel is about as far from the Truth as you can get)....re-read the Luke verses above...IF He has truly changed our life it will be obvious by the fact that we have HOPE, that we are FREE, that we are aware that everything is different when looked at through the filter of TRUTH and then when our life is radically changed by it's intersection with Him we will WANT to GO and share what has happened and disciple others, proclaim the freedom that they too can have and so on.....

Back to the book, here is a picture that I know shocked me....

"Imagine that all 6.7 Billion people on earth are represented by 100 people. .....

Out of 100 people:

60 would be Asian

14 would be African

12 Would be European

8 would be Latin American

5 would be American or Canadian

1 would be from the South Pacific

51 would be male;49 female

82 would be non-white; 18 white

67 would be non-christian;33 would be christian

We might summarize this by saying we live in a world that is non-American, non-white, & non-Christian. (By some of our actions and beliefs you'd think WE were the chosen people!)

 Now, let's let's compare the  'HAVES and the HAVE NOTS'  (defining by income) Average American lives on  about $105. dollars a day btw.

Less than $2 a day = 40 % of world

Less than $1 a day = 15 % of world

$105. a day = 4.5% of world (us)"

MAGINE living on one or two bucks a day, go ahead......I'll wait. What does that make your grocery budget? Your housing budget? Your car payment budget? Your Starbucks, ice-cream, or Disney budget?..............Many believe this is the biggest problem in eradicating the problem's of the poorest. Since we, the rich,  just can't picture what 'they' live and since we don't have to face it each day we don't have to help or have our hearts broken picturing a mom foraging through a dump to find worm infested trash to feed her family or watching her children starve or die from easily treatable issues.  I have a good friend who recently said she just tries to pretend those things don't happen.....out of sight, out of mind.....uggghhhhhh, what must our God think of how we treat the 'least of these?' I am so guilty of NOT laying down my life for them, I personally do not consider it a sacrifice to sponsor a child or two or three WHEN I still can take a vacation to Disney, crank the A/C down when I feel like it, drink clean water, eat fresh food.....and so on. When will I consider the welfare of others as important as the welfare of my own family?????? 

"The Bible is clear from the Old Testament through the New that God's people always had a responsibility to see that everyone in their society was cared for at a basic needs level." Did you know the Bible is FULL of verses that speak the heart of our God for the poor/the helpless/the needy/the orphan and widow? As a matter of fact the name of this book came from an experiment. Several guys marked and cut out every verse in the Bible that has to do with this and what they were left with were LOTS OF HOLES IN OUR GOSPEL, a Bible that could barely stay together because so much was MISSING! Why do we cut and paste the Truth to make our God into what we can handle instead of allowing Him to have free reign??? To do things His way instead of our ultra-watered down wimpy version of Him? "We have shrunk Jesus to the size where He can save our soul, but now don't believe He can change the world" (anonymous)

"The true gospel is  a call to SELF-DENIAL not a call to SELF-FULFILLMENT"MacArthur 

We MUST wake-up Church. this is NOT the world's problem it is OURS!!!! When will we accept the whole of God's word as worthy and not just that which pacifies us? I think of the Switchfoot lyric "This is your life, are you who you wanna be?" Is this, ignoring the pain of the world, what we want to be remembered for????? 

"We can be the generation that no longer accepts that an accident of latitude determines whether a child lives or dies-but WILL WE BE THAT GENERATION? Will we in the West realize our potential or will we sleep in the comfort of our affluence with apathy & indifference murmuring softly in our ears?  15 THOUSAND PEOPLE dying needlessly EVERY DAY from Aids/TB & malaria. Mothers, fathers, teachers, farmers, nurses, mechanics, children. This is Africa's crisis. This is NOT on the nightly news, that WE do not treat this as an EMERGENCY-----that's OUR CRISIS.

Future generations flipping through these pages will know whether we answered the key question. The evidence will be the world around them. History will be our judge, but what's written is up to us. We can't say our generation didn't know how to do it. We can't say our generation can't afford it. (Even in 'these tough times') And we can't say our generation didn't have reason to do it. IT'S UP TO US!!!" -Bono

These are the things that haunt me. Do I love God with EVERYTHING if I can sit by and be okay with THOUSANDS of people dying EVERY DAY????? I leave no stone unturned when it comes to the health and well being of  'my kids' . I buy supplements for them that cost more than a month's wages for billions!!!! This is why I can't sleep well at night anymore---the question is---WHAT AM I DOING ABOUT IT????

Over 150 MILLION Orphans world-wide!!! 

In one stat that I  found there are supposedly over 150 million Christians in America....what if we, the Church eradicated the need for govt. programs like foster care...what if we became the Rescuers of ALL the orphans??? WHY do we allow people like Angelina to get the spotlight? (and God bless her for what she does!) But she puts us to shame folks!!!! Oh, it's because she has money and power right??? Again, back to putting God in the box!!! Do we really have so little faith that if we mobilized as the Rescuers that our God would not step in and provide the ways???? This IS His heart after all! How can we sit by and know they are stuck in horrible conditions/orphanages/institutions/kids who are listed as 'child head of the home' because they are 8 and taking care of their 3 younger siblings..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....this is NOT what I want to be remembered by! How about you??????

Think about this, we love it that God accepts us as His own..we are adopted into His family and treated as if we were His true children (Chosen people vs us). What if He left us as orphans???? We LOVE belonging, knowing we were rescued, that Someone saw us in our emptiness/alone-ness/need/sin and thought we were worth EVERYTHING.   Now, picture an orphan rocking themselves to sleep because there are not enough workers to hold each child or even most children. Don't we want to be the one to bring Hope to that child or children? To tell them they are worth it!!!!!

"But some will say "You have faith; I have deeds" Show me your faith with out deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do"

(James 2)  

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"(Eph.2) 

Some more interesting quotes..."The contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is a arch defender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent and often even vocal sanction of things as they are.".."All too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent behind the anesthetizing security of stained-glass windows."..'So, the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind will we be? Will we be extremists for hate or for love?"..."Often in history there are voices in the church speaking up for truth & righteousness, but they were often drowned out by the majority, who had become comfortable with or profited from, the status quo. (Think Slavery, think money for missions vs money for amenities at the country club (aka the church) and so on)  

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" (Gandhi)

OUCH! So true huh? We are known more now for what we hate or disagree and don't do than what we DO and LOVE and STAND FOR!!! I do not want that label. I do not want to be that kind of follower of my God. I want to hear 'Well done good and faithful servant"..not..."Well, you sure enjoyed that life, great use of your time, resources, and love" (Not that God has a sarcastic voice:), that's just how I hear it)

Anyways..last quote....

"Our Christian habit is to bewail the world's deteriorating standards with an air of rather self-righteous dismay. We criticize it's violence, dishonesty, immorality, disregard for human life, & materialistic greed. "The world is going down the drain" we say with a shrug. But whose fault is it Who is to blame? Let me put it like this.  If the house is dark when nightfall comes, there is no sense in blaming the house ; that is what happens when the sun goes down. The question to ask is 'Where is the light?' Similarly, if the meat goes bad & becomes inedible, there is no sense in blaming the meat; that is what happens when bacteria are left alone to breed. The question to ask is 'Where is the salt?'. Just so, if society deteriorates and it's standards decline until it becomes like a dark night or a stinking fish , there is no sense blaming society. That is what happens when fallen men and women are left to themselves and human selfishness is left unchecked. The question to ask is 'Where is the Church?' Why are the Salt & Light of Jesus not permeating and changing our society?" It is sheer hypocrisy on our parts to shrug our shoulders, or wring our hands, the Lord Jesus told us to be the world's salt and light. If therefore darkness and rottenness abound, it is largely our fault and we must 

accept the blame." (Stott)

I am not saying we will cure the world of all evil. We know the world is decaying and evil is rampant BUT right now do we do anything about it????? Or do we stay inside our homes and 'Country Clubs' aka churches and soak up the amenities while the world goes to Hell in a hand basket? Where are the hands and feet of our Jesus??? What do we do each day with our time? What do we do with our money? Our talents? Our resources? Our Love? Our prayers???????? Do we really need ALL that we have? Does each kid need a bedroom to himself? Do we need to be at church three times a week or could we be helping somewhere? WHERE would we find Jesus if He were here today?????

I'm NOT saying I have all the answers. I'm not saying I'm NOT a HUGE part of the problem..I am! I admit it..I have confessed it to my God that I want to 'cross the line from innocent bystander to hardcore participant'. I am just saying we have a choice, we have a responsibility....we have a God who loves us more than we could possibly ever grasp..and He wants us to love Him and share that love with the world.

Who can we 'go' to, who can we disciple??? What 'least of these' can we welcome into our safe comfortable world and recklessly share our 'Have's' with?????? What do we want to be known for and remembered for?????....How much Truth do we actually know & LIVE or is there a HUGE hole in our Gospel???

For the Reeves', well..He is up to stuff in our hearts...we are pursuing adoption in Florida first (where it's FREE, how crazy is that?)...and we are seeking ways to get outside of our tiny lil world and into His!....We are no model for great Christianity..we've KNOWN the Truth a LONG time....oh, the blood that is on our hands, the souls, the eternal things we have missed with our selfishness..I am ashamed.

I leave you with this song:

On our city streets they run Searching for shelter There are homes broken down People's hopes have fallen to the ground From failures This is an emergency! There are tears from the saints For the lost and unsaved We're crying for them come back home We're crying for them come back home And all your children will stretch out their hands And pick up the crippled man Father, we will lead them home Father, we will lead them home There are schools full of hatred Even churches have forsaken Love and mercy May we see this generation In it's state of desperation For Your glory This is an emergency! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! Sinner, reach out your hands! Children in Christ you stand! And all Your children will stretch out their hands And pick up the crippled man Father, we will lead them home Father, we will lead them home

Oh God, let our hearts be broken with the things that break Yours. Let us be desperate to share Your Hope with the oppressed, broken, homeless....(no matter what fashion or form that comes into our life as....)

Please excuse my ramblings and odd train of thought..there at least a hundred other things I want to say, more scripture to share..but hopefully you see my heart and get what I'm trying to say....thanks for reading!......

"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die, so that you can live as you wish" Mother Teresa

Monster Trucks, FUN & Sensory Overload!!!!

I am a mom. I have high hopes, dreams, goals for my kids just like many other moms. And  I want them to be Freaks, yeah Freaks...freaks for Jesus! (insert  D.C.Talks 'Jesus Freak' song circa 1990-ish here) I want them to be extreme. I want them to be different. Well, sometimes we get what we ask for....but in ways that are radically different than what we pictured!

So, last night I had the privilege of hanging out at one of the Biggest events in J-ville, aka Action-ville. Who knew there were over 70 thousand folk who would pay to go watch glorified ginormous tractor things with car or truck shells race each other and jump/bounce/crash all over a dirt field? This was crazy to me..BUT after having attended this amazing production of craziness I am HOOKED! Wow, did the Middleburg in me ever find it's way to the surface! I am, at the ripe old age of almost 40, proud of my Redneck/Hillbilly/Country heritage..well, the parts that don't include in-breeding, eating animals that should be road-kill, and super-sweet mullets. (Remember I am making fun of myself here:)

Anyways, I was certain that every driver would climb down out of his (or her, yes females have of course crossed over into this land because as one rider put it 'they aren't in the kitchen where they belong'..I think we all know I agree..no really) back to the point..that the driver would climb down sporting a sweet mullet or a bright red neck or a Rebel flag hanging from his hat while he spit chew etc etc. Boy was I surprised to see really 'normal' looking men. Some were even Super Cute...What?... with things like exploited Mohawks and faux-hawks and sweet 'staches ..we all know I'm a fool for facial hair. Had to aplogize to my Dad for being prejudice! Again, who knew?

I also saw part of the fan appeal is the somewhat over the top antics. WWF anyone????
The drama over WHO would take the title was great!  And it was 'odd' or ironic that towards the end of the night..after their time was up or almost up they would flip their trucks, smash their trucks or literally snap off  a huge important piece of their truck...hhhhmmmmmmmm. The crowds would go nuts over this!!!! I being a newbie would shriek in horror first before my spontaneous applause and cheering kicked in ;)!

The night was rich with sights...oh I had a feeling this was going to be the Best People Watching time I'd gotten to have in foreverrrrr! (Let me just say, yes, I'm sure I'm a sight to behold and am mocked all the time unknowingly to me for my crazy African print dresses etc) There is no meanness in my mocking..just a shared love for things that should not be..my prints and your mullet. So, in case you weren't one of my 70 thousand plus friends in attendance last night...here are the koolest, hippest, latest styles in Monster Truck Fan Wear:

Cowboys- actually really decent lookin' fellas BUT they knew it and wore their cowboy shirts either completely unbuttoned or enough to let you know they had a six-pack and cleanly shaved chest. With cowboy hats and BIG belt buckles to boot, pun intended.

Cowgirls???- Young & middle-aged alike, wow, seem to agree that taking a Camouflage T-shirt and shredding it across the front & back until most of their muffin tops, cleavage, and /or hot pink Cami's are bursting through, pairing it w/some sweet Daisy Dukes AND cowgirl boots is a Win-Win-Win situation....WOW....(Thank you God for Your mercy, I too used to believe revealing 99% of my body was the best way to get attention!...On a side note, I truly do feel sad for these gals!!! You are worthy of soooo much more!!!!!!) 

Umm, Farmers- Young men who wear overalls, unhooked on one shoulder with NO shirt underneath. Nuff said!

Well, one could go on and on but I think you get the picture, pure enjoyment  watching the crowds go by!!! I won't even mention what it's like to be surrounded by THOUSANDS of drunk people :)...and please note, before God wrecked my life with His 'much better than mine' plans I too used to depend on alcohol to be crazy!! Pretty sure I gave the drunks a run for their money last night AND I don't have a hangover AND I can remember all the fun I had and my son could see the difference between genuine enjoyment and having to 'create' it.....and nuff said on that.
By the way, overall there were just thousands upon thousands of 'everyday/average' families there. Apparently it is quite the Family event!!! Again, who knew?

So, I myself thoroughly enjoyed most of my evening.  Am I really admitting this.....yes, watching extremely loud 'trucks' wreck was so-o-o-o much fun!!!!!

Part two of my rambling is the 'normal' fun I missed out on last night. A normal mom of normal kids would probly' think no further than..how much money do I need and when can I leave to beat the mad rush etc. And then would sit and enjoy the show and enjoy watching her kids hoot 'n holler and have a grand time! The worst of her night might be waiting in line for potty breaks.
Here are the things I was thinking:
What will I feed Levi there? Will there be anything a gluten free/casein free kid can eat? Not to mention he doesn't do well with fried foods or 'fake' colors...
What if he needs to throw up? Yes, he pukes at the drop of a hat. Smells, sensations, foods..who knows what will trigger it...and could I get to a bathroom in time?
What will I do if the crowds overwhelm him?
He's prone to just say what he thinks without realizing it's possibly inappropriate or hurtful...What will I do if he says crazy things to strangers or worse to my Dad?
And what about the noise? I've purposefully waited several years to bring him even though he's wanted to come much sooner....
So, here's a snapshot of my world..this is especially for those of you wondering what I mean by ' Levi is most likely on the gifted and/but highly functioning autistic spectrum..think Asperger-ish.'
I had to wait until we were almost there to surprise him with where we were going. Too much information ahead of time gives him too much time to think. His response on Arlington Expressway (about 5 minutes from the Stadium) was, "oh, when I said I wanted to watch the Monster Trucks I just meant on T.V." and FEAR is all over his face. I'm thinking, oh my, we've just paid for tickets and my Dad is here driving us to this event that he (my Dad) is a huge fan of, how can I say "Just kidding Dad, can ya run us back home?"
We convince Levi to give it a shot and talk up how great it's gonna be.
Once we are there and inside we go to find food. It's a Meat-a-tarian's heaven. Did I mention we're also Vegetarians? I see that French Fries are my only choice. Uggghhh. He'll be bonkers by nights end! Oh and of course we have to have soda. We're out with Papa for goodness sake..we surely aren't going to turn down his treats and argue over food in line with hundreds of our new best friends! (Fried food and LOTS of sugar..this can't end well)
Oh and that whole filter thing, a mom turns around in line in front of us with cheese steaks. Levi literally says 'Ooooohhhh' like 'Grrross' right in front of her. And looks like he could barf over her food choice. (This is NOT him being mean or rude on purpose..it's a lack of awareness of social boundaries/norms coupled with serious sensory integration issues.)
We find our seats and eat. He tries to slurp down the monster drink within seconds and starts getting mad when I stop him. Not the mad like 'aww man, she won't let me drink this down.' but the 'This is my crack and I must have it. No one will stop me. I don't care what a fool I make of me or my mom. I need the rest of that sugar!' Fun stuff trying to discreetly fight your child for a cup!
So, when the trucks start to come out, (Cue the LOUDEST NOISE I have ever heard in my life) he literally panics. (He has on Ray's Gun range sound muffling ear muffs btw)  He begins to cry. Huge tears are rolling down his cheeks. I am looking around at small children, like 2 who seem oblivious to the noise. At boys his age who are jumping up and down in pure joy. He is mouthing 'Take me home NOW'. He is gripping me in fear. Getting angry as well...
Great, here we go. I've come here, spent the money, hoped this would be an amazing night for both he and my Dad. A wonderful night of bonding....I take him out to go talk to him. He is seriously freaked. I eventually calm him down and convince him to try my earplugs under his earmuffs. He agrees. We try again.....after two more times of leaving and bribery..with more 'No's' ( A snow cone, how many artificial colors and flavors can we add to one treat?) I finally get him to settle down and start to enjoy the show. He really likes it!!!! I keep warning him ahead of time when  I think the cars will rev their engines. He is watching every detail. He is picking his favorite,  the whole nine yards! Hooray!!
Later, he needs a snack and so does Papa. They go into the snack place together. I am thrilled. He comes back out about 20 minutes later looking freaked out again. Apparently a 'goth' girl with the freaky contacts and a long 'devil-ish' looking robe and crazy/scary makeup was in line by him. Have I mentioned the fear issues??? She scared the life out of him. Now picture your average child....they would not miss a beat, maybe a sideways glance at her, but not full fledged fear  and distress over her!
I finally get him settled and we enjoy more of the show. His new favorite thing when the trucks wreck is to stand up and yell "I want my money back!!!" Hilarious, he's copying my Dad!
Then comes bathroom time. For a kid with sensory issues public restrooms can be a nightmare! We spent about 30-40 minutes finding a decent bathroom, after holding up the line at the family one which he eventually deemed too gross and too scary.
I'm sure my Dad is thinking "what in the world?"
So, as the night wears on and the forbidden food kicks in he is getting  a little feisty. Keeps trying to take my Dad's cap. (After my Dad picked on him) Again, with the boundaries, he doesn't stop at grabbing for my Dad's hat once or twice but he is going to get my Dad back no  matter what. He grabs his hat at least 6 times as I implore him to stop. Grrrrrr. Eventually I hold his hands down until his attention is diverted back to the show...
We wrap up the night with him trying to call his Daddy to come get him because he's tired. Texting Kaitlyn funny but ridiculous messages.."Sister, send someone to rescue me. I need you to call Miss Jen or her peeps. These people won't  let me come home." All the while watching every thing on the stadium floor.
Finally it's over. He is freaking out that we decide to wait for the crowds to die down and want to avoid being on the road with the drunk folk! Starting to get angry..again!
We go to try and find the autograph table to kill time. When he sees how long the line is, he starts to cry. He is just overwhelmed. Remember he is 8, not 4 or 5..he is well past preschool age where some of this type behavior would seem 'ok' or normal. 
We make it to my Dad's truck, having great Q & A led by Levi on the way about who was whose favorite and least favorite etc. I know he has paid great attention and enjoyed himself.
There's a few more unfiltered moments on the way home..yelling at the truck next to us "Hey, turn down your music before we kill you", in line at Krystals, yes I know, "you mean they didn'y give me my Crystal light packet for my water, turn around go back, I'm gonna punch you" and several other neat things:)

So, that is maybe wayyyy too much info. This is how my heart breaks all the time for my lil man and what he goes through to do 'normal' things. This is a glimpse into my world. It wouldn't be us if we weren't transparent and honest. I want other people to see what 'this' looks like. I'm in uncharted territory here my own self. It wasn't until a few months ago when I read Jenny McCarthy's book "Mother Warriors" that it clicked for me.."Oh, wow, this is my KID." (and long story longer maybe not just  one of my kids)It was a depressing but relieving revelation. So many things made sense now. I am going to blog more later on the vast world of autism, sensory integration dysfunction/disorder, giftedness and more...tonight was just an initial 'getting it off my chest' kinda blog. There is so much more to Levi than this. And there is so much more too 'this' than just what I've posted here.

Well, it's getting late. I will wrap up saying, last night was one of the BEST nights ever. I am amazed at how far my son has come. Once I heard the noise, I thought there is NO way he'll stay. We got to hang out with my Dad. I didn't do a lot of this kinda stuff with him growing up. We are trying to make up for lost time. AND I am hooked on the Monster Trucks. I'm gonna 'tail gate' next year like all those crazy football fans do and make a whole day of it. Whooooooo-hooooooo!!! I'll keep Levi interested hopefully throughout the year and maybe this will become our 'thing'. Man, I love this kid. I will do whatever it takes to get him whole and healthy. To point him in the direction he should go. Coming  back full circle...I want him to be extreme, to be a freak...not because he has an overload of toxins and gut issues and food allergies/sensitivities and no filter and cries at loud noises and will puke because he smells something weird and all that...BUT because he is a God follower and lives in a way that makes others question...who is this kid? how can I be more like him? what's he got that I want?
God has a plan for him and I will do my best to help him find it 'as he goes', and maybe we'll drive a Monster Truck while we're looking!

"To HIM who can do wayyyyy more than I could ever ask or imagine be the glory!"

Due Date...

So, today or roughly around now would have been my Due Date for baby Greyson. I am trying to process exactly what this means to me...

Here are some of the things I know about the last nine months.

~Having a miscarriage is physically super painful, I had no idea I would go through stages of childbirth as if I were going to deliver a live child...and then to have nothing left to show for it....

~I found out that I can love a baby I never held..and that a baby is a baby no matter where along the line you lose them, they had life and meaning...

~I do not know how women go on to become multiple times miscarriage mommas...I have met women in the last year that have suffered 4-5-6 of them. Just this one child being lost to me has drastically changed me....

~It has given me a better, though very limited idea of what it would be like to never be able to carry a child full term or to conceive at all or to have more babies than you have now..this is truly a very lonely place to be when ALL around you people, your friends, family, crack addicts are pregnant and giving birth...my heart goes out to you lil mommas who have not had the ease of 'nice, simple conception and pregnancies' that so many of us take for granted.. 

~It makes me ten times more passionate about LIFE..who are we to decide when our children should be born, if we should have one two nineteen or none...I truly believe there should be only ONE giver and taker of life...but I am not Him ....and I know many who strongly disagree...He sees each of our hearts...

~It makes me a kazillion times more passionate about adoption....there are at least 147 million orphans worldwide...what is wrong with us that we will fight tooth and nail to have our 'own' kids and/or mourn them greatly if we lose them BUT do not give more than a passing thought or a token few bucks towards ALL these children of God who NEED forever families and/or care!

~Having a miscarriage makes me stop a lot more to realise what a jerk I am to my kids, if I really cared about children and am so sad about losing mine WHY can I still be so mean? GRRRR..who I am hates not only who I've been, but who I still am!!! I want to change this more than most anything in my life...

~Having a miscarriage in a 'Sick House' makes me really mad sometimes at the builder (it is one of the known 'side effects')...but then I let that go..and feel grateful I haven't had to try and have a healthy safe pregnancy in the midst of this nightmare..I mean really, imagine me having a home-birth tonight? Ha...

~I have figured out that our minds may know the miscarriage happened but our bodies may not have received the message as loudly..to date I have gained roughly what I do during a normal pregnancy since finding out I was preg. last year..how creepy is that?..and no, I don't sit around eating twinkies either.. 

~And I am realising I am much vainer than I knew..gaining twenty plus pounds with no baby to show for it makes me feel really YUCKED out about my appearance...this too has given me perspective on 'those people' with weight issues..it's not as easy as it seems to be 'in shape'

~It has taught me that I am not nearly the woman of faith I thought I'd be at this age..I have questioned so much....

~It has shown me that I am crazy to think I can handle more kids, I KNOW I can not..this is where God will have to 'show off' in my world if we are to adopt..

~It makes me wonder more than ever what it will be like in Heaven..is my Granny Ethel hanging out with my baby? Nothing would bring me more joy...but I will have to wait on this one, one day I will know in full what happens when we lose our wee ones...

Maybe I'll think of more things later....anyways, my husband let me get an early Mom's Day gift tonight..I've really wanted a double jogging stroller..I want to get out with my kiddos and walk and RUN..I want to honor God with my body and stop penalizing myself for being unable to 'hold on' to this baby..I want to say starting tomorrow I will begin a new journey and try and not be haunted by the pregnancy that wasn't..I hope my due date coming and going will bring more closure...I want to honor the life of this baby by being the best wife and mom I can..to fight for my kids...to love my husband well..and to be a moon that reflects the Son so that others with broken places can look at me and see HOPE....I have no doubt that my God is on the throne...He sees my heartache ... and He sees the mommas all over the world who will have no clean drinking water for their babes and maybe no daddy either...He sees....I trust Him...I hope I have learned all that He wants and never give up on His plan for this family..

I love you baby Greyson....Baby, "sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart" winnie the pooh:)

1st attempt at blogging....ta da...on the move!

So, as a way to clear my head and try to navigate the world of 'saving' my family..here I am. This will be a place to empty my head and accumulate the info. I feel I need.

I am by no means a writer..I'm more a rambler so reader beware...

I am in a struggle. I am trying to figure out how to get my family back on a routine and back on the quest for Truth. For several years now we've been hit by one thing after another and before I really catch my breath..wham , the next thing is upon me. And yes, I know I'm not alone..we all live here on this broken planet, looking for hope, attempting to heal our hearts from one shattered dream only to 'wake up' and find we are facing another.

I believe strongly that we are not here for ourselves and everything we do or say can and will change someone else's life, perspective, ideas, hurt them or heal them....That's a lotta power. I aim to be a wife and mom that uses my 'power' to change things for the better. But many many times I fail, miserably. I do not share Truth lightly, too much is at stake. However, I find that lately we (my family) is so caught up in the current chaos of our life that I'm not sharing the Truth much at all....  

We are trying to figure out where to live. Not as simple as it sounds. For the past year plus we have lived in a home that was making us sick. Very sick. Long story. Everything from bizarre rashes, to runny noses..that never stopped. Everyone of us coughing into the wee hours of the night. Hormones gone awry, my first miscarriage at 39, asthma in my son that we thought he'd outgrown and much more.... All these symptoms cleared up when we left the house or atleast went back to a calmer state. Some symptoms were gone in 2 days , some took a few months. We have since found out we had mold spores in parts of our home that were in the millions. We still don't know for sure WHAT was making us so sick..but we believe the mold played a big role. Google it, crazy stuff!  

We moved out for three months while our home was worked on. We moved back in when several friends told us they believed this was God's best for us basically. We ourselves had no peace about walking away...We went home believing this house would now be fine and we could 'go back to our normal life'. Well, within a few weeks our roof has leaked...two times, the second time happened after they tore off the front half and replaced everything! (about 5th time overall it's been fixed, they still haven't found the source of the leak) And since moving home...my rash has returned with a vengeance! We were told by an Environmental Hygienist that I would  be the proverbial 'canary in the coal mine', if my rash returned all was not well. UUUGGGGHHHHHH! Levi's cough has started to return and many of his other 'quirky' symptoms..more on that later. My daughter's joint pain has returned.

Are we just nuts? Could this just be our imagination?

We are staking everything on these symptoms! We are waiting right now for the builder's response as to whether they will just take the home back. If they don't what can we do? As believers we can't just try and sell it. And in this economy fat chance anyways....

We have begun to look for a new place to live..to rent..buying is out of the question. If you do the research you will see that we are probly' part of a very small group of the population that will now be 'hyper-sensitive' to mold and other poisons/toxins/chemicals. Just moving here or there, wherever we want is not a choice. And on one salary, we don't have the money to be choosy anyways. As long as we still have to pay for the townhouse we have enough money from our tax refund to rent for about 3 months somewhere 'sort of not entirely scary'.

We take a huge risk as a family now...some research even goes as far as to say Levi could go into anaphylactic shock! Choosing where to live, well, it's kinda a big deal.

Plus also (in my best Junie B. voice) I am finding I'm much more selfish than I ever knew. When I look around at my 'macked out' town home (It was the model home, it is chock full o' upgrades) I feel angry that I will never live anywhere this nice again.  This is where my shattered dreams book by Larry Crab comes in. Theory: if we let our shattered dreams here do their work, they will help us to long for a place and time where our hearts won't be disappointed/broken/crushed anymore. I call this paradise Heaven, where I get to live forever with My God. I believe that the world to come is worth ALL THIS! Macked out townhomes are what the Bible calls 'wood, hay, and stubble'....things that will not last forever! 

I have been to countries where people literally live in the dump. I have watched families eat trash. I have seen people collect rainwater in the nastiest containers and are grateful they have it! I KNOW that on my worst day in America I am still better off than, well, about 98% of the world. Humbling! Crushing...awakening...heartbreaking...what do I really NEED when it comes to housing???? NEED, not want.

Yes, I am irritated and afraid and sad. Some moments I want to give up. Many  moments I feel completely unworthy of my husband and kids and my God. I am so over this particular season....I am sick of watching my kids bounce from place to place. We have moved 5 times in 4 months. (We have moved about 20 times in 5 years.) I'm kinda over moving. I want to hurl boxes not pack them! I want routine. I want to home school my kids, and do it well, not on the run. I want to show my kids that helping others is the best life possible and that we really don't have it so bad...

So, the biggest thing of all that upsets me right now is my son. He is eight and he is more than likely a gifted high functioning autistic kid. This is one of the revelations we've had since this all began. My heart breaks most for him. I won't go into it all right now..suffice it to say..this current nightmare has not done him any favors.

As we return home this coming Wednesday we will be faced with the decision of where to live. We will be bound by the amount of  money available. And even more, we will NEED the Lord to show us a safe place to be....

I have a lot more to say but my family just walked in from their night out and I wouldn't be true to the title I gave my blog.."Saving Grace, and hopefully my other kids" (a play on words, Kaitlyn Grace, our firstborn and God's grace...what saves us all!)... if I stayed here typing while they needed me...so gnite...and thanks for reading!